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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you were with your partner for 10+ years before having kids, how did things change after becoming parents?

64 replies

lentilandpotatosoup · 30/05/2025 20:27

Been with my partner for over a decade. Very happy, comfortable existence. Have been ambivalent about having kids but now seem to be leaning towards it. So just wondering for others in a similar situation who'd waited a similar length of time, how did adding children affect things?

OP posts:
justgoandgetpizza · 31/05/2025 07:08

TheBeesKnee · 30/05/2025 22:21

12 years before DC. Become boring, depressed and poor. Both are under 3 though so maybe things will change but for now we're holding on by a thread. I frequently fantasise about breaking up so that we can take turns having a break.

This was me this time last year.

They are now four and two and life is immeasurably better. Hang on in there ❤️

ballroompink · 31/05/2025 07:10

10 years between starting dating and having DC1. It was hard. Like others have said we were used to having quite busy independent lives with hobbies and friends and a lot of quiet time (both introverts). DC1 was a difficult baby, I had PND, DH struggled with certain things during the baby/toddler stage which also coincided with a stressful time at work and we went through a rough couple of years which was very hard. He was eventually diagnosed with autism.

We got through it. It wasn't easy but we did it. Had DC2. DH is a very hands on and involved Dad and very aware of how his autism affects him. I have worked on my mental health and am in a better place. Both of us freely admit we are very relieved to have left the toddler years behind and enjoy having older children much more.

Chocolateorange22 · 31/05/2025 07:20

Honestly apart from the usual having a baby stuff it's never really changed us. We'd seen each other at our highest and lowest moments anyway so we were in a way prepared if either of us struggled when DD was born. Now 6 years on and I think our relationship is still incredibly strong and I consider him my best friend. To add we are very good at communicating with each other. We don't sulk and don't fester with resentment. We say it how it is and move on quickly.

Dayfurrrrit · 31/05/2025 07:31

Together over 10 years before kids. We have had amazing times before kids but also amazing times after kids and I’d say it didn’t really change us. Our lives slotted around a baby really easily, massively helped by having a good sleeper. DH is incredibly hands on, pulls more than his weight, although travels a fair amount for work but I became a sahm. we’ve had loads of fun since having kids, yes it can be hard, and yes we’d love a weekend alone away but in general we have a great time. We are a really strong team and kind of see it like ‘us vs the kids’. Neither of us is perfect but we balance each other out very well.

Barnbrack · 31/05/2025 07:38

Always always always have a 'ducks in the row ' mindset as a woman.

Make sure you're married as you are so much more financially vulnerable after having a child.

We were together 11 years when we had our eldest but we'd been through 5 years of miscarriages and fertility issues by then. We'd run a business, suffered significant family bereavements, health issues and various barriers so we knew we could work together and that we responded to adversity by coming together rather than falling apart.

What I wasn't prepared for was how much experience I have/had with children being from a big family, lots of babysitting, nannying for cousins in holidays etc while he first held a baby when my nephew was born 10 years ago. Never have I seen him more practically useless. He struggles after our first who has health issues and later SEN, lots of hospital stays etc and the routine changes really knocked him sideways (origin of SEN genetically very likely from my lovely, almost definitely autistic husband)

However we're 18 years in now, 2 kids, can laugh at all the ridiculous indignities of parenting. Still love each other, definitely less sex but still sex. Less spontaneity with holidays and going out on a whim but thanks to my mil doing a few weekends a year we have tickets to 3 gigs this year and even eldest can now be babysat by a close trained family member.

I don't know that longevity in a relationship makes a huge difference but I know we were very used to each other and had seen each other in many scenarios before the babies. I love that man! He does the dishwasher every night, we do half the bedtimes and we both work so we're pretty even in terms of responsibility now.

We struggled more when no one slept and I was breastfeeding and he was the main breadwinner, it was just so foreign to not relate so well toe ach others days.

RampantIvy · 31/05/2025 07:48

21 years here due to infertility. I was ambivalent about having DC anyway and I wasn't expecting to get pregnant, so DD was sort of unplanned.

We had a very solid marriage and still do. DD is nearly 25 now.

I found it hard to adjust to parenthood though - the lack of sleep, loss of freedom and spontaneity, then the double whammy of DD's health issues requiring several long stays at the children's hospital.

Lavender115 · 31/05/2025 07:51

We have been together for 15 years and married for most of this time. We found ourselves facing lots of issues we never had has a couple. One major problem is our parenting styles. I had no idea before we had a baby that this would even be an issue. Turns out we are opposites in how we think we should raise a kid.

The previous poster who said they don’t go out anymore and their child is high-spirited, that’s us too. Movies and dinner will have to wait in our case until DC is a teen.

Denimrules · 31/05/2025 08:03

TobiasForgesContactLense · 30/05/2025 21:58

We were together for 16 years before DS came along. I think it helped get us through the tough bits as we knew we had a solid base. The things that DH was crap at before he is still crap at! But I think that knowing each other so well, and as PP said being older parents, meant we had no illusions. It was still hard when sleep deprived but we knew it would get better eventually. We don't regret having DS at all although it has changed our lives.

Same here, also 16 years married when DC arrived.

Crucially for me, I felt I'd been there, done that career wise and I'd had the opportunity to travel including accompanying DH to places he went for work. A visit to China where DH was a guest speaker on a development initiative. Having a child changed how we lived, but it was something we'd both longed for.

RoseHarper · 31/05/2025 08:11

11 years together pre baby. Still together and kids are late teens. Where we went wrong was not talking in depth about how things would look once babies arrived...financial, shared labour, responsibilities. It is so important to set expectations before you get pregnant, and really discuss how things will look. Prior to kids we led fairly independent lives, happy together but having kids exposed that I am quite controlling and he is quite selfish...I took on the lions share when on mat leave but this stayed the same when I went back to work, causing resentment. He was probably equally resentful that I wanted things done "my way". It's worked out OK in the end but with hindsight we focused far too much on the cute baby idea when we should have spent way more time looking at the realistic impact to both of us and how we wanted things to be.

Cavello · 31/05/2025 08:12

We were together nearly 9 years when our DS15 came along. In all honesty he's been a fantastic and devoted father. We've added 2 more DS and been together 24 years. He was always good at taking care of me when I was sick, and that carried through to the children. We still laugh together and try and spend time together when we can.

We've never had any family help, so it's just been our little family of 5. There have been many ups and downs but we have weathered the storms by coming together and being flexible. DH becoming a father has really made me appreciate the man he is, and has shown me another good side of him, as a protector. I didn't see that side before. I am very blessed.

In summary having children enhanced our relationship and I am really glad we did.

Sparrow7 · 31/05/2025 08:17

Together for 12 years when we had our kids. That was 15 years ago. Stronger than ever now. Having babies is hard , I can't imagine doing that with someone who wasn't my best friend.

DarkForces · 31/05/2025 08:24

Dh and I have been married for 23 years and had dd after 10 of those. Like @TheBeesKnee i found it amplified everything and it took a while for us to hit a new rhythm. However now we're pretty equal in terms of working hours/house drudgery and free time it's a proper partnership. We both prioritise the same things but also support each other's goals. I'm looking forward to celebrating our silver anniversary in a couple of years!

TreesToday · 31/05/2025 08:28

It hasn’t gone that well tbh. Turns out DH is incredibly un self aware and all the things he said before kids about still travelling, becoming the primary carer were total bullshit. Of course now he says he was entitled to change his mind(!!!). So basically look at his behaviour and don’t listen much to what he says. Even then my DH has stopped acts of kindness to me the way he used to.

I think personality plays a big role as well. I actually like fun and kids. DH is an introvert with only so much social bandwidth. I think this makes it harder to maintain a marriage as all the bandwidth goes on the kids, unless you’ve got family support.

user65342 · 31/05/2025 08:32

Iknowaristotlee · 30/05/2025 22:16

We split after another 5 years. He was my best friend for a long time but did not choose to adapt to parenthood and is ultimately too selfish. It was a horrible end.

This is how it played out for me too

AlorsTimeForWine · 31/05/2025 08:36

Most people i know met and had kids wothin 5-6 years
My friend had been with her husband over 15. He was 40 when they had kids and the change in lifestyles was something he struggled with. Quite BADLY.

She was desperate for a second- their child is very easy / delightful and he basically shed he'd leave of she ever got pregnant or had another baby.

It's a very odd dynamic in the household.

fungibletoken · 31/05/2025 08:45

Your OP was essentially us too! Had been together 10+ years and felt like we were in a pretty comfortable groove. We weren't completely sure if we were ready for children but were getting to ages where we felt we should go for it sooner rather than later if we were going to.

Something I've really appreciated is there's a huge amount to learn and get your head around when you become a parent, but as we already knew each other so well we didn't have to throw learning big things about each other into the mix. Sure, it can definitely bring out surprises, but for me it's not been as significant as, say, when you first live with someone and really start to get to know them.

I have found you do need to be a bit careful that habits you might have had beforehand don't get too entrenched if they no longer work, however. Before kids I was always the early bird and DH would stay up later and then sleep in a bit. This was helpful in the newborn times where DH could watch the baby until the early hours whilst I got some sleep but we have had to meet in the middle a bit more with a toddler and DH has started getting up earlier.

All the best OP!

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 31/05/2025 08:46

lentilandpotatosoup · 30/05/2025 22:47

Quite a mixed bag! I'd hoped being with a partner longer term would have been beneficial for raising a child, but from the responses it appears that's not always the case.

Seems like women always have to have a ducks-in-a-row mindset ☹️

Well it's better than having a baby with someone you've known for five minutes, for sure. Hopefully - hopefully - you'll have a strong base of shared experience and joint problem-solving and resolving difficulties as a team.

But being together a long time and having lots of adult freedom and spontaneity before kids can go two ways: you can feel "been there done that, had my time", or you can really struggle with suddenly having your life owned by a tiny totally unreasonable tyrant. And it will absolutely magnify cracks and inequities in your marriage. If you do more of the domestic load before kids but it's fine because the domestic load of two FT working adults is really very small, that will create a MASSIVE inequity post birth. And if your partner has any secret sexist templates in his head about kids being Women's Stuff and women being Naturally Better at Things, biology and society is going to create a massive space for those ideas to play themselves out in practice even if he seemed like a totally modern man before you got up the duff. And some men just cannot deal with their needs not being the centre of the relationship emotionally any more.

You should definitely always keep your ducks neatly lined up. It is always, always a gamble, no matter how many years you've been together. Don't have more kids than you can manage on your own. Don't set your earning potential on fire if you can manage not to.

alloutofcareunits · 31/05/2025 08:53

Together 10 years, bought and moved into a house from a flat, both in chosen careers etc. decided when I was about 5 month pregnant he didn’t want to be part of a family. He was actually having an affair, I think he didn’t want to not be the main priority in my life anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️I only found out about the affair when baby was a couple of weeks old. I left, house sold, he moved in with her then they spit a year later. Haven’t spoken to him for over 10 years now, DD is in her 20s and doesn’t speak to him either though did see him until she was about 15.

RampantIvy · 31/05/2025 09:05

you can feel "been there done that, had my time", or you can really struggle with suddenly having your life owned by a tiny totally unreasonable tyrant.

It was a mixture of both for us TBH.

Needlenardlenoo · 31/05/2025 09:06

If I could laminate @ChandrilanDiscoDroid's advice and stick it to Mumsnet, I would!

ViciousCurrentBun · 31/05/2025 09:09

I only know one couple who did this and they are divorcing now that the kids have just left home. They had been together 11 years and were too used to their life so was a huge shock for both.

Notsosure1 · 31/05/2025 09:12

There is absolutely no way of knowing how having children will affect your relationship. Having a rock solid partnership for a decade, sharing the same interests, household chores and outlook on life counts for nothing when you are sleep
deprived and the baby is actually there. You now have little to no time for interests, feel resentful of the chores you have to do while looking after a demanding baby/ being at work all day, and small and large decisions once they concern another human being who you are responsible for won’t automatically be unanimous, and therefore an added source for stress and potential disagreements. You cannot predict the parenting style of your partner once your baby appears and develops into a child, especially one they weren’t anticipating - personality, behaviour or health-wise. Nor can you predict how your partner will feel at the change in dynamics of your relationship, which would obviously be closer when it was just the two of you and neither had to share/compete for the other’s attention or affection.

When you have a child, rather than it necessarily bringing you closer (at least in the early years) it can be more a case of struggling to find and negotiating time to yourself - child and partner-free, as this is a rare commodity that ppl are aware of but cannot understand its impact until they experience it for themselves.

Many couples survive despite the challenges of the early stages and many don’t. For a lot of ppl, mainly women, it comes as a massive surprise and shock when their partner does not become the father they imagined or expected, and many men would argue that their partners changed unforeseeably once they became a mother. These are usually men who expect their lives to be more or less unaffected by parenthood, yet are surprised that their partners are too tired or pissed off for constant sex or to hear about the minutiae of their day when they take care of the majority of the childcare and household chores, and they both see each other in a different and more resentful light. Some men step up, some don’t. The difficult early years stage doesn’t last forever but the damage can if it’s not addressed. Also there are obviously other challenges beyond early years - finances, employment, health, teenagehood etc that are ongoing.

You cannot predict whether the strong team mentality of a childless couple will transfer to parenthood, it’s impossible to predict. Many women are completely blindsided by their partner having an affair when they believed they were happy, and the man blames it on stress, losing the partners attention, wanting to be seen as attractive etc - these were formerly ‘good’ men. It obv works both ways too and the woman can become more receptive to other ppl’s attention if she isn’t happy and feels resentment towards her partner for not pulling his weight, or just seeing her as a mother/nanny and not a desirable woman any more etc.

Parenthood definitely changes you - physically, mentally and emotionally if you’re a woman. The physical side is not focused on as much as it should be IMO. This can have a massive effect on women’s MH, how their partners see them and how they see themselves.

Believe it or not, I’m not trying to put you off, just make you aware that there is no guarantee either of you will be the same pol
you started off as, despite being together happily for 10 years. You know each other well but only as non-parents. Shit happens. So I guess you have to view it as whether you really, really want to be a parent - if you do above anything else and have a strong belief your relationship can go the distance - go for it, but be prepared that things MAY change significantly and your relationship won’t survive however long down the line (ie you may become a single or co-parent).

It is a massive decision that should never be made lightly and certainly should never be viewed and undertaken thinking that things will largely be the same throughout because they won’t, but that’s not to say it won’t work out for you.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 31/05/2025 09:15

RampantIvy · 31/05/2025 09:05

you can feel "been there done that, had my time", or you can really struggle with suddenly having your life owned by a tiny totally unreasonable tyrant.

It was a mixture of both for us TBH.

True. It's not necessarily either/or.

It was more the second for me, honestly. All right, I was mostly over regular clubbing and noisy bars you can't sit down in, although I still like to go dancing every once in a while, but I still love going to the theatre and travelling and achieving in my career and sex and city breaks, and hardly being able to turn over in bed without taking my personal tiny tyrant into account was fucking hard. I am not one of the people who was all "I'm ready to only do family stuff now".

Mightyhike · 31/05/2025 09:20

We'd been together 8.5 years when we had DC1, although unlike you OP we'd always planned to have kids.

It was a big change for us in many ways, because pre-kids we earned almost exactly the same (both high earners), but after DC1 was born we agreed I'd be a SAHM. In lots of ways this made life easier, basically because it's difficult to combine a family with two full-time jobs unless you have lots of help. I did struggle at times with the change in my identity, as previously my career was important to me, but at least I didn't have the resentment mentioned by some posters of doing more than my fair share at home and working too. DH respected my role as a SAHM and recognised my contribution to the household, otherwise it wouldn't have worked. However I do realise I took a risk, and I wouldn't necessarily advise another woman to do the same. We went on to have three DC and I went back to work when DC3 started school. I was lucky to find an interesting, fulfilling job even after many years out of the workplace, but I work fewer hours and earn a lot less than DH so I'm still the default parent - which is fine, I'm happy with that.

We've been together for 28 years now, still happy, kids are teens now. I think it was a positive thing that we'd been together a long time pre-kids and I believe it helped us through the tough times of sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums etc.

LouLou198 · 31/05/2025 09:20

Together 10 years before our 2 dc. 14 years later we are now getting divorced. He couldn’t cope with that fact he wasn’t the main focus of my attention. Mental load, all housework, cooking, childcare on me, whilst he carried on with all his hobbies. Lots of resentment and I can’t believe what he turned into.