Is it her autism?

[ForRubyMoose]

I've got a mum friend and I don't know if I'm being sensitive, she's tone deaf or it's her autism.

For example I was saying I've got a job interview with a £5k income increase which I will be so glad to get as I'm always in the red every month as I'm on a low income and have a child. I expressed that I just don't do well in work or interviews etc and money is a huge stress ATM (or nursery fees have gone up a lot and affect us both). She shows me a £70k job she's considering applying for after I showed her my £38k job. Is she tone deaf?

If I mention anything on Facebook asking a question such as if a route in the morning is busy (relates to new job) she will send heaps of messages that aren't quite what I'm asking for. I asked for a deliberate direction on a ring road and she sent 10 messages about her journeys going the opposite way and that's from commuting 5 years ago etc. I will say "thanks but that's the wrong ringroad" and will still get messages

Is it because she's autistic? She says she is so I don't know if I'm being sensitive or not.

She's also dyslexia and her messages range from being easy to understand to not being able to be understood. I don't mean that disrespectfully, my writing isn't the best but she doesn't seem to use spell check etc on her phone.

Really ?

Really what

How would anyone here know?

What will you do if MN says "yes its 100% because she's autistic"?

Stop talking to her about money and take her answers with the good grace she's clearly intended by trying to help or block her rather than trying do decide if she's tone deaf or autistic 🤔

She's certainly self-absorbed; maybe that is a feature of her autism - when she can't help or empathise she gives her own examples to cover her embarrassment?

I would argue that ASC or not, she could learn these kind of niceties, but perhaps explain kindly and factually in terms of how it makes you feel, so she can learn but isn't too upset.

Yes so she's really kind in other aspects

Really?
I thought the OP was the one who was self absorbed!

I have an autistic friend. Known her for years. She is 100% tonedeaf. I ignore it. Tried to talk to her but forget about it

Why is that, because I described one situation?
Weird

Ok thank you. I tend to take it personally but I've noticed it a lot with her.

I know. I have given up.
my friend means well but she really doesn't get a lot outside her own little world.

Some autistic people try and relate to others by sharing things about themselves, which is what could have been happening with the job application thing.

And yes the info dump can be an autistic thing.

Honestly though OP I wouldn't be offended by the job thing?? Just because someone is struggling with money, it doesn't mean others aren't allowed to talk about jobs they're applying for or salary.

Firstly, neither of these examples are tone deaf imo. Secondly, how would anyone know if she says what she says due to being autistic? Thirdly, does it matter?

Really want us, the random internet people to diagnose the pathology of one woman’s behaviour ?

Nobody can possibly know. You’ll get speculation and guesses. You can’t change her. We can’t change her. Autism or not, it’s just how she is.

Time and a place though? After I expressed I'm in severe money issues than you wouldn't be saying "here's my new job and a link to the salary." You would be saying "I hope your application goes well, I'm applying for a new job as well, it's so hard to interview but fingers crossed for both of us".

Omg she info dumps all the time. I didn't think there was a word for it lol

I don't know about the traffic thing but I don't understand why you had a problem with the job thing?

You're both going for new jobs, she just has more earning power than you, that's all.

It shouldn't mean she's not allowed to discuss it with you, or can she only do that with friends who are in the same potential income bracket?

Why are you on AIBu.

Because it's just the constant barrage of messages as well. 17 related to the job including a salary of £70k. Probably not something to share with a mum who's struggling with COL?

Tbh I have stopped answering the info dump years ago. It doesn't seem to make any difference.

This

But your money worries are not hers and they're not you other friend's or your family's either.

Is everyone supposed to tiptoe around you and consider what problems you might have at any given time?

Are your friends allowed to mention they're going on holiday when you can't afford to?

Are they allowed to chat excitedly about their new car, if you're unhappy with yours or you don't have one?

Friendships are a two-way thing and lots of us are pleased for our friends when they're doing better than we are.

The over information thing is different and you're going to have to decide whether you can handle that.

It makes no difference whether it's due to autism or not.

Would you tell your single mum friend who doesn't get a break, have no help and also is unable to go on a holiday.... After she's told you this information, to turn around and tell her about your 5 star holiday to Spain you are going to in a couple of months?

No

It's appropriate to say "won't see you next week as we are going to Spain, I'm really looking forward to the break" whilst at the school gates.

Or am I being weird

No. You are not weird but it's a kind of take it or leave it. You can't change her.

I honestly think nowadays a lot of people forget that someone is looking to talk about their stuff and grab at it as a chance to talk about their own. Not necessarily in a mean way, they just forget you should listen to what the other person is saying and discuss that then lead it to you diplomatically if you need to discuss it. The art of communication is just very muddied, I suppose it’s due to lack of time, Covid and also that social media means we dilute things down to a sentence when more is needed!

Could also be the autism!

Your friends comments show that she is trying to relate to you in a method that is a common trait for ASD/adhd. - Difficulty holding back and forth conversation and taking interest in something that does not interest them and, being socially aware. So when you talk about applying for a job, she talks about applying for a job but overshares and misses subtlety’s. You talk about traffic , she talks about traffic but overshares and misses the point.
It is tricky to address because people who are ND can be very sensitive to perceived criticism as well as it completely washing over them. Telling her may deeply affect her comfidence in holding conversations. On other hand she may not give a shit. Or only give an shit
sometimes. Ask her about her autism..does she like people to tell her if she is inadvertently offensive. As a mum of child with ASD, it is heartbreaking to think of lost adults friendships through such comments, especially when they are very likely clumsily trying to connect with you.
often people with ASD are extremely loyal, making few friends but going to the end of the earth for them.