Is it her autism?

[ForRubyMoose]

I've got a mum friend and I don't know if I'm being sensitive, she's tone deaf or it's her autism.

For example I was saying I've got a job interview with a £5k income increase which I will be so glad to get as I'm always in the red every month as I'm on a low income and have a child. I expressed that I just don't do well in work or interviews etc and money is a huge stress ATM (or nursery fees have gone up a lot and affect us both). She shows me a £70k job she's considering applying for after I showed her my £38k job. Is she tone deaf?

If I mention anything on Facebook asking a question such as if a route in the morning is busy (relates to new job) she will send heaps of messages that aren't quite what I'm asking for. I asked for a deliberate direction on a ring road and she sent 10 messages about her journeys going the opposite way and that's from commuting 5 years ago etc. I will say "thanks but that's the wrong ringroad" and will still get messages

Is it because she's autistic? She says she is so I don't know if I'm being sensitive or not.

Autism is a difference in how the brain works. Most people with autism really struggle with social skills, many learn how to behave in a socially acceptable way and mask but some people with Autism don't have that level awareness to even know how and when to mask. I am autistic, masking takes a lot out of me and I sometimes wish it wasn't necessary but I get why it is. The emphasis is often on the Autistic person to mask and act 'normal' - it always works best though when people who are neurotypical meet us halfway. By educating themselves and not taking things too personally. This seems to be what you are doing here.

Try not to take it personally if you can. Your friend experiences the world completely differently to you, sharing her similar experience is her version of being a friend and part of her script. It does sound like she doesn't understand that her responses are not taking into account your situation and how you are feeling about it. If it's too much then just be upfront with her, I'd always rather someone said to me because I know I likely have lots of blind spots where I still have learning to do.

It's also worth noting that if you're not clicking with someone whether they are NT or ND, you don't have to stay friends.

Thank you so much such a brilliant response.

I think this really depends on the closeness of the friendship. The response you’re expecting is what I’d expect from a more distant friendship. My close friends often talk in depth about holidays/job applications even though we are all in different financial situations. No one seems to get annoyed about it.

You are missing the point. When someone tells you they are applying for a job and really need the salary increase as the 20% increase in nursery fees has cropped her more than before and she's a single parent, you wouldn't than show a job for £70k that youve applied for? A link to the job and completely not relevant.

But do they do it when you say you are in severe financial difficulty

You're being weird imo.

Friendships are two way.

The fact that at that point in my life I couldn't go on holiday, would never make me so bitter that I couldn't be happy for my friends who could.

I would never make them tiptoe around me and have to consider what they can and can't discuss, according to what I can't afford.

Can you never be happy for others if you don't have the same as them?

To tell you how unreasonable you are.

This is a really disgusting comment OP.

If she has said to you she is autistic, and she makes tone deaf comments then yes I would imagine that is why. My Dad was like this. Never diagnosed but with the understanding that I have now I think he was autistic. Didn’t understand why he would (often) upset people. Not sure why you’re getting a hard time; I think AIBU has just turned into a crazy aggressive place these days.

Mind you the rape comment is a bit odd

It was absolutely vile.

I've just seen and reported it.

Why are you friends with her? You clearly don’t even like her much. She can’t share anything about her job or life as it’s tone deaf towards you? What sort of friendship is that?

Everything is all about you and your situation. Sounds exhausting

The problem is you OP
You're clearly jealous of the fact she can earn more than you and has achieved more than you have.

Yes op I think you’re coming across as bitter.

It well be her autism. Many autistic people connect and show empathy by sharing their own experiences they feel are similar. Could be she is trying to be a good friend and doing it all wrong.

The fb message thing really reminds me of an autistic friend I have. I can’t post anything without excessive comments from her.

regardless of if she is autistic the question is do you want to continue the friendship? Because if it’s autism it’s likely she won’t change. If not autism then again she won’t change.

i would let the fb comments go. But for the job thing it won’t hurt to say something about how her comments make you feel. Phrase it as a statement not an accusation. Add what you would have appreciated as a response could really help her. Something like “sorry I’m just so stressed about money right now I can’t be excited with you about a new role for you. I was kind of hoping for some sympathy and understanding really. I know you don’t mean to upset me it’s just a really stressful situation for me right now”. I’m autistic myself and such a message would be very welcome, I’d hate to loose a friend because I’d missed some social etiquette and upset them when really I care and was trying to relate

She's autistic and dyslexic and you wondering why she's showing signs of autism and dyslexia.

Seriously?

I think you're being oversensitive. I've told my good friend about my struggle with being unable to work due to caring responsibilities. Then I've said 'Tell me all about how work's going? Are you happy, are you thinking of moving on?' Similarly, unable to take holidays for a long time for financial and caring reasons - 'tell me about your trip to New Zealand!'

Friendship is give and take. You can't avoid every difficult subject.

i think you are getting a bit of a hard time about this OP!

Yes friends shouldn’t have to hide their own successes and good fortune entirely from a friend who is less fortunate, but a certain amount of tact is the norm. If a friend has just been talking about how much they’re struggling it’s not the best time to talk about the £70k job opportunity.

I have an autistic friend who I love dearly who will regularly do things like this - I know this is her way of connection. I generally believe (as someone who is ND myself) that it shouldn’t be entirely the job of ND people to try to adapt to meet expectations of NT people - NT people should also adapt their expectations. Like - try not to be hurt by something that wasn’t intended to be hurtful.

But it’s not always easy - I remember my friend jumping in with her knowledge of cancer survival rates after I told her about a relative’s recent diagnosis, which was very much not the conversation I wanted to be having at that time! I am learning to be better at being more direct with her about things like this!

I don't fully understand the ring road example.

The job example sounds like you're over sharing about your financial pressures and she is responding without sensitivity so I'd say both are socially a bit off the mark for whatever reason. She may be trying to empathise by giving an example from her own life but missing the nuance that her salary is considerably more. That can be a sign of ND (trying to acknowledge by sharing).

I have a friend with autism and dyspraxia and their direction sense is very poor. Others with autism have great directional sense. It sounds like your friend doesn't though so you should probably direct these questions to someone else.

Some autistic people tend to do better when you're very direct with them. If things bother you, tell her.

From reading this I think the more likely scenario is that your friend is being a ‘normal’ friend
and you’re feeling jealous of her earning potential and bitter about your situation.

If I were you I’d take a step back and think about what your post says about your frame of mind,

As @Igotupagain said, she's desperately trying to find some aspect of her life which relates to what you're talking about in order to demonstrate common ground so that she can be a good friend. There's nothing in your experience that she has in common except applying for jobs, so she's joining in as best she can.

I'm autistic, I've done this a lot, and sometimes I miss the mark. Fortunately, my friends take it as "It's nice that ntm has tried to relate, let's see where the conversation goes" rather than "I'm angry because I'm jealous of how much money ntm earns". And, for most of the time I've known them, none of us knew I'm autistic.

You do know she's autistic. You have a choice in how you react to these things. You can probably make better choices.