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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave a day earlier than planned?

28 replies

feuergeist · 30/05/2025 13:59

I am currently abroad on a visit to family with both my teen DS and DD. DH stayed at home as he had to work. We had to travel at this time as it's a big birthday for both my mother and some other family members this week.

We are staying with my mother and her partner for a week - to avoid drip feeding, their relationship has always been somewhat tempestuous at times, he likes to nit pick, holds on to every minor perceived infraction against him and is very particular and judgemental as to how people should act and be. Moving in with him when I was in my teens was hard, but my sisters and I tried to make the most of it.

Long story short, he has been very discontent recently (I wasn't aware of this) and while I have been here, things have been rough between him and my mother, so much so that this is spilling over onto everyone else. He is argumentative and standoffish and it has now affected everyone, and quite frankly I am sick to my stomach about having to stay here until Sunday.

We have our last family event tomorrow morning and I am now genuinely considering, to book a hotel in the city we are flying back from on Sunday for Saturday night and leaving their home a day early. My mother would be incredibly upset, which is the only reason I haven't made a decision yet, but it's been so bad that I am physically unwell and am having trouble sleeping.

So, AIBU leaving a day early, even though I know it would be worse for my mother? Any feedback or perspective much appreciated.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 30/05/2025 14:00

I would leave. Apologise to your mum but go and have space to breathe for 24 hrs.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 30/05/2025 15:18

Honestly I'd just suck it up, its only one day. If there were a few days, then id definitely leave xx

goody2shooz · 30/05/2025 15:22

@feuergeisthave you mentioned your discomfort to her? Presumably she’s aware of his behaviour/rudeness?

PullTheBricksDown · 30/05/2025 15:36

I'd tell a face saving lie. Your DH is unwell and you need to go back early.

cannynotsay · 30/05/2025 16:01

Just tell her the truth, it might encourage her to leave him. Sounds like she’s in an abusive relationship and needs to leave.

whynotmereally · 30/05/2025 16:16

Be honest say you are finding things really hard it might help her see it’s not normal

toomuchfaff · 30/05/2025 16:45

cannynotsay · 30/05/2025 16:01

Just tell her the truth, it might encourage her to leave him. Sounds like she’s in an abusive relationship and needs to leave.

I'd approach mum and find out if there's a way I can spend any time with her alone that last day, because hes horrible and i dont want to spend another second in his company, if not then i'd leave early, I'd arrange to go somewhere else, stay in another hotel and do something enjoyable that last day. (if flights are set for the day after)

After id organised the hotel id open up the offer to mum for that last day to go do something nice, away from him.

BangersAndGnash · 30/05/2025 16:47

Is the airport city a place that would be good for your teens to visit? If so say you are taking the chance to do that. Would she come with you for the day trip?

But whilst I think you should do lots of ‘how wonderful it is to see her’ you should also say you are deeply concerned about the way her partner talks to her etc and you found it uncomfortable to watch.

zenae · 30/05/2025 16:49

Bring mother with you for the last night in the hotel - minus the Grump. That would give her a break from him and an opportunity for you both to have a chat about things without his presence.

I'd suggest it to her, and if she doesn't go with you - go anyway. You could ask if he is preventing her from leaving etc.

Follow your gut, don't feel bad, you've done your bit so do what feels right for you now.

Multiplegums · 30/05/2025 16:50

I wouldn’t want my kids in this environment.

Jellyrols · 30/05/2025 16:54

Absolutely do it.

I wouldn't visit again.
I wouldn't put myself or my children through such an ordeal again.
It is clearly very triggering for you to be back in such a toxic environment.
You are an adult now.
You don't have to tolerate this.
Make that crystal clear to you mother too.

Did your mother knowingly allow you to suffer this and put herself first?
If so, don't give her upset another thought.

Multiplegums · 30/05/2025 16:56

I would be SO worried about my mother and what happened behind closed doors though

WearyAuldWumman · 30/05/2025 16:56

My late husband and I once left a visit to relatives abroad nearly a week early because everything had become overwhelming. (Everyone wanted a piece of us - which was lovely in a way - but it became too much: each relative, no matter how distant was vying over seeing us.)

We had travelled by car and caravan, so it was doable.

kary42 · 30/05/2025 16:57

Take your mum out for the day, shopping, farewell lunch...without the partner. I wouldn't leave early or he has won and your mum is upset.

paranoiaofpufflings · 30/05/2025 16:59

Book somewhere else to stay and take your mum with you - birthday treat for her and gives everyone space.

FourSeasonsLobelia · 30/05/2025 17:09

I'd do it.

I have family abroad and it's always a stress seeing them. If it were that uncomfortable and you were being made to feel SO uncomfortable by a man who has made you feel uncomfortable for decades then I would leave and tell your mother if she wishes to see you for the last day then it is up to her.

In my experience people sometimes stay for longer in abusive situations because no-one around them makes their position clear on it so in their denial they think 'It's okay, really'.

Flashahah · 30/05/2025 17:19

PullTheBricksDown · 30/05/2025 15:36

I'd tell a face saving lie. Your DH is unwell and you need to go back early.

If not changing flight, that won’t help.

Feetinthegrass · 30/05/2025 17:24

Don’t add to the lies. Be honest that you don’t think it’s fair to dc to be around the constant nit picking. Invite your mother to stay with you and have a heart to heart, he sounds emotionally abusive.

Original poster
feuergeist · 30/05/2025 17:48

Thank you for all your comments and apologies for the delay - met with my absentee father which wasn’t nice either but always feels like a social obligation I can’t avoid either…

my mum knows that the situation is horrible and we try and do stuff every day just us and my kids. However, that displeases him too and leads to more arguments. My mother has confided in me today while out that if it gets any worse (or doesn’t get any better soon) that she will likely pack up and leave. She has already started to organise her possible exit strategy.

I can’t take her with us to airport city as she doesn’t have a car and I won’t be able to drop her back Sunday due to flights, car hire return and traffic. I spent a day with the kids there on arrival as my mums husband can’t have visitors for more than a week as it stresses him too much… it’s been a whole 23 year saga…

I have just spoken to DH and he is happy for me to do whatever works for me but he is also worried about upsetting my mum and wants me to speak to her first. I’ll have a word with her privately this evening if possible.

Thanks again for all the support so far

OP posts:
FourSeasonsLobelia · 30/05/2025 17:51

Just leave. She clearly understands why. Just do it.

FourSeasonsLobelia · 30/05/2025 17:55

On another slight thought OP- how old are you and how long has this been going on? I ask because I left my home country 25 years ago and am now 52. I have had to pretzel myself into so many stupid situations because of Other People's Expectations and it has honestly blighted my life.

Just this week i out my foot down in my own similar-ish situation about our summer trip 'home'. It's been 25 years in the making and has liberated me (if not my mother who has been the main driver in the grand game of 'keeping the peace').

Eventually- it becomes too much. I think your eventually might be now also. Thanks

Mischance · 30/05/2025 19:12

I think you should grin and bear it for just one more day. But when you get home perhaps contact her and spell out how difficult it has been for you all.

Something similar happened many years ago with my parents - they always did have a relationship that I found difficult to live with as a child. On one occasion they did something that brought back such hard memories - manipulation of each via a child.

I let it lie, but extracted my child from the situation. Then when we were home I allowed myself time to calm down for a week or so before contacting them, when I said that I did not like this behaviour. They never did it again.

Multiplegums · 31/05/2025 06:08

There’s quite a bit odd about this
the Op seems singularly unconcerned about her mother in the Op and it’s only when a poster suggests she should be worried about her mother, does the Op throw in casually that her mother “confided in me today” that IF it gets any worse she will leave him (you haven’t spoken to her before now about the abuse she’s enduring?, and will be a 100x worse when just the two of them) but aren’t you going to help Op? Aren’t you encouraging and supporting?

and what the hell does your husband’s view on it have anything to do with it? Your mother and he’s not even there! And as for and he is happy for me to do whatever works for me. Well, that’s big of him!

and then the fact you were even considering doing this without speaking to your mother first and knowing it would be worse for your mother is also baffling

and finally… you know how awful this situation is, and yet you thought it would be a great holiday for your two teens to be subjected to?

Op… YOUneed to get out to your mother, alone, and very regularly, to practically and emotionally support her leaving this man

Arewethebadguys · 31/05/2025 07:09

PullTheBricksDown · 30/05/2025 15:36

I'd tell a face saving lie. Your DH is unwell and you need to go back early.

I absolutely would not do this. You're pusdy footing around this man just like you did when you were a teen. You have been conditioned to not react/get upset/cause a fuss!

You're an adult, have a conversation out loud and just say you're uncomfortable. Say you're worried about your mum. Noone is going to die from being uncomfortable. I'm Irish and not talking about how we're feeling is a pro sport.

Definitely leave after though if there's no acknowledgement, life is too short.

Original poster
feuergeist · 31/05/2025 21:40

Sorry all, it’s been a long day. We had another family event that went on for quite some time today. Spent the day with my mother, avoiding her husband for most of the time.

to answer some questions, I left my home country almost 20 years ago, although I have been back at least once a year to visit family. More often while my kids were still little.

@Multiplegums saying that I shouldn’t factor in my husbands opinion when I was just trying to summarise a lengthy conversation is unnecessary. Of course I value his opinion and insight. Saying that I don't seem concerned about my mother is a bit of a stretch but again, but I would have to unpack a lengthy backstory that isn’t absolutely necessary. Suffice it to say that she has talked about leaving him for 23 years and knows (and knew back then) how my sisters and I felt about him and the move, but she felt that this was the best thing to do for her. Her exact words at one time were - you’ll all move out soon, so I have to consider what’s best for me in the long term and do what’s right for me. I don’t say she deserves this treatment but she puts up with it and has chosen it again and again, even though she knows it’s unhealthy.

I have chosen not to put up with it. I have spent the day out with my mother initially and my kids. I am staying overnight but am refusing to spend time with him and my mother knows I will not be back while she lives with him.

thanks for all the handholding and suggestions

OP posts: