Am I being unfair?

[someonehastoberight]

So I work TTO and dh works 4.5 days with a lunchtime finish on a Friday (compressed hours) we have a young son and I also have chronic pain. School holidays are tough on me.

During TT dh gets Friday afternoon to himself he usually goes to the gym/takes dog out for a walk. In the past in the holidays he would still expect that free time which bugged me slightly but I accepted it, now because I’m struggling more I expect him to factor me and ds into his plans. So today I asked him about this afternoon and he said he was thinking of going to the gym so I asked if he could help for some of the afternoon with ds so I could rest. He agreed he would and we said we would discuss it at lunch time . When he came down after work he was in his gym clothes and had packed his gym bag. This annoyed me because he’s assumed he’s going to the gym without discussing it. But he claims if I needed him to have ds he just wouldn’t go to the gym. I feel like by getting ready he’s making it harder to discuss what the afternoon will look like as I can’t really say actually can you take ds out. Am I being sensitive?

He goes to the gym 4 times a week , the other days he goes before work and on a Sunday morning

No

Ask him when you are going to have an afternoon off to yourself. Perhaps during the longer holidays you can alternate.

I feel like by getting ready he’s making it harder to discuss what the afternoon will look like as I can’t really say actually can you take ds out. Am I being sensitive?

Gym clothes or not I’d remind him he was going to give you some time this afternoon, hand over the child and take myself off to wherever I wanted to be.

To be fair, packing a bag doesn't mean anything.

I can't tell you how many times I've packed a gym bag and not gone....but that's a whole different scenario

I think you're being too sensitive

Ignore what he is wearing - he can take his son out in gym clothes. He s trying to manipulate the situation - just stick to the original agreement. Also you need to sit with him and confirm when your time is - sounds like its not just Friday afternoons that he gets 'his' time but every day of the week. Friday afternoon needs to be his time with his son.

How old is your child? Do you get time to yourself?

He’s unreasonable - if he’s got changed he’s clearly assumed he’s going and is making it hard for you to say no. I’d expect not to even need a further conversation tbh - if I had already asked for help and said I was struggling then my DH would’ve just assumed he was having our child and acted accordingly.

I’d also be pointing out his “free time” was at the expense of longer hours during the week while presumably childcare falls to you. It’s not his “free time”, it was effectively earned by both of you. He gets some of it, you get some.

Agree he's trying to manipulate the situation ie if I put my gym clothes on she's less likely to remind me she wants me to look after DC.

You need to be more forceful and direct. Don't leave any ambiguity he can manipulate.

How old is your child? So you have been off work all week right?

Your kid is 9 and you’ve been off work all week while your DH has been working.

I wouldn’t begrudge him a hour or so at the gym this afternoon.

Thank you I wasn’t sure if I was being unfair. Dh genuinely doesn’t see the issue. Obviously he has gone to the gym and will have ds from 230. I don’t begrudge him the time it’s the assumption that winds me up. He could have gone to the gym this morning and spent all afternoon with our son.

Much more information needed about your own working hours, your childcare/home situation and how things work. It could be the difference between your DH being an absolute git or him being completely missunderstood family man who is just trying to balance young child, work, DW, gym.

There are some (women included) who need to have consistent gym visits that work around the family. Just because someone does that does not straight away make them a bad parent/partner.

In your post you talk about a young son, which I took to mean full on nursery age. In which case I stand by your DH is unreasonable. If your child is actually 9 why can’t he just watch tv for a bit or entertain himself? I can see why your DH wouldn’t see why he needed to stay home to care for a child that age.

I think you’re being unfair. So out of the 7 days, he gets a few hours on a Friday and Sunday morning to himself, so he can go to the gym? Why can’t you do the same? You said he’ll be back by 2.30pm so surely this can be your time? Also how old is the child? A five year old can watch tv for a few hours whilst you sit on the sofa surely?

Ds is 6 but developmentally delayed. He’s very full on. It’s not a hand him a iPad situation

Gym can be a huge help to someone coping with the pressure of a child, a partner, work and home.

A partner can sometimes begrudge this if they dont have something they have as a similar release.

I would suggest you dont need to stop him going to the gym but you do need to look for something that lets you have similar me time to yourself. He needs to help make this happen otherwise he is definitely a GIT

Well why not put that in your original post instead of drip feeding? Your husband is having your son at 2.30pm so you can have your own time. What’s the problem?

I said young which seemed enough I only clarified because someone asked. I said in my last post it’s fine, it’s the assumption that bothers me.

Huge difference between a baby and say a 12 year old. So context is needed. You’re pissed off he’s assumed he was going to the gym without discussing going to the gym?

You did say he was 10 in a post two days ago, which is I think where the confusion is coming from as 10 is definitely old enough to not need 24/7 attention, ND notwithstanding.

Just talk to your husband, hash out how much free time you both have and make sure you're both getting adequate "me" time and both spending quality time with your child, whether he's 6, 9 or 10. Communication and not making assumptions about how the other partner is feeling or what they're thinking or why they're doing X, Y or Z are pretty essential cornerstones of a marriage, especially when there's kids.

You're annoyed because "he's assumed he's going to the gym" but what are you doing if not making assumptions by saying "I feel like by getting ready he’s making it harder to discuss what the afternoon will look like"?? Stop assuming and talk.

Oh that’s wierd because on another thread about half term this week you’ve stated
My ds could definitely be at home while dh works (he’s 10) yes he would get a lot of screen time but it would be manageable

This. A lot of fuss over something very minor. Communicate and share the time to do what you both want.

This is a great post and really helpful. It's hard if really you need time to rest but if that is the case why not timetable it in with your DH. Also just a regular coffee met up with a friend?

I have more than one dc

Agreed I wouldn’t describe a baby or a 12 year old as a young child