Feeling overwhelmed with housework 🥹

[Hilltongum]

Hi there, just a small rant.

I’ve just been feeling a bit overwhelmed with the housework lately 🥹 I like to live in a really clean home with everything in its place - it’s not OCD or anything, I just don’t like mess and do my best to tidy and keep the place neat - my home isn’t immaculate (I’ve got small children) so I know all too well how messy things can get - but it’s sometimes so overwhelming doing the deep cleans, vacuuming, organising etc. My husband pitches in with the dishes now and then but it’s just not really at the thorough standard that I want things (if that make sense) although I am grateful - and if I don’t do a thorough clean then the kitchen/living room usually resembles a pig sty. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know that as a mum you’re expected to sort of just “get on with it” and have a stiff upper lip and all that because it’s all part and parcel but sometimes it just gets a bit too much when you’ve spent 3+ hours of your free time deep cleaning the house (and that’s just the areas people can see) and by the following evening it looks just how it was before. Euuurrrfh. Had a bit of a cry and I’m okay now because I know it might be hormones too and all that but my husband just doesn’t get it and thinks I’m simply referring to dirty dishes sighs

I know of couples who have agreed that the cook tidies up and does the washing, as a matter of course, which I think is actually fair. Sounds counter-intuitive but apparently works very well when one party is an awfully messy cook.

Storage is your friend and plenty of it. Ikea do great toyboxes etc.
I've got four kids(2 adults now) so I do understand re messy toys, food behind curtains you name it lol.
You have to try and accept you won't have a perfectly clean tidy home and there's nothing wrong with that.

A deep clean once a week is enough most people do it monthly, and what I use to do was tackle one or two rooms and not the whole lot at once as that will overwhelm you.

(Why not get the kids to play a tidy up game who can tidy up the fastest and give a treat at the end just an idea.)

Your husband also needs to step up more, he could easily whack the hoover round on a evening.

I would get a big basket to sit in a designated space, maybe on his side of the bedroom, and once a day go through the house picking everything up and just put it in the basket. That way the mess is contained and he can still find all his stuff, but you're not doing the hard work of constantly putting away everything of his.

I used to have an immaculate house but I have given up now the kids are teenagers as their bedrooms were giving me a nervous breakdown. One of the best pieces of advice I have read on here is put things away immediately after use , I struggle with laundry the most . Bathrooms a spray mop are great , I clean the shower whilst in it with soapy water . Dusting I spray a cloth with polish and do a quick dust . Clutter is your worse enemy, I know as I love clutter 🤣 all said my home is lovely and welcoming !

A home with small chidlren should be untidy. I think you may need to lower your standards. Better to be engaging with the children in a bit of a mess than fretting about tidiness.

Cleaning threads always make me feel like a slob 🤣

What are you disinfecting twice a week?? Where's the grime?

I genuinely don't understand the difference between "deep cleaning" and just cleaning if you're doing a deep clean every week, like what does that entail?? Like a deep clean is moving the furniture twice a year and being horrified by the dust underneath (and running away from the spiders) surely)?

For what's it's worth I second the organized mum method. I printed out the method and stuck it to the fridge so DH understood what was required in each room (it has a little list of suggested tasks).

You’ve mentioned a deep clean about a million times OP. Can I ask what you include in a deep clean?

I could only cope with working full time, a long commute and parenting by letting my standards slip a bit with the housework. I know that by Thursday everything will be looking a bit ropey and it's such a relief to just let it be. I make sure the dishwasher is done daily and the kitchen sides quickly wiped over, I'll put obvious clutter away at the end of the day and give a quick mid-week wipe around the bathroom while DS is having a bath, but that's it. I'd rather spend the rest of the time with my family, relaxing or fitting in some exercise - all more important than a spotless house (that no-one else sees mid-week anyway).

What I dislike is the 3 hours I spend at the weekend blasting through it all properly, but I try to do it Friday evening with a big glass of wine on the go to stop it getting in the way of my weekend.

Lower your standards if you want a happier life. It dosen't work for everything, but it definitely works for cleaning.

For some people a tidy space is really important to their mental wellbeing. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn't mean they need to obsessive but they just can't have crap all over the place and ignore it.

I like my space tidy because I have ADHD and mess really quickly starts to impact on my mind and my life. If there's a place for everything and everything in its place then I can get on with living without any extra mental clutter.

@Hilltongum I would probably try to ease up on the cleaning side of things. It's actually better not to clean/disinfect too often.

Put routines in place for quick daily jobs to keep things tidy, then you'll be able to relax.

Yes I agree with this in that a tidy space is super important for my mental well-being. When I come home to a tidy home (especially kitchen) I actually feel so upbeat and organised and cheerful.

In that case I would make the kitchen your priority @Hilltongum which for me would mean that a) DH would need to agree to tidy up after he cooks. This could mean loading all the pots and pans etc into the dishwasher and turning it on (if full) and wiping down the counters/cleaning out the sink.

Then you could do an evening tidy up some time after dinner, maybe after the children have gone to bed - load the plates and so on into the dishwasher (which by this time should be done), sweep the floor and make sure it's tidy to your liking so you can start the day happy and relaxed. Then hopefully it'll still look halfway decent when you come home.

Try the basket for DH's things so you aren't fuming over that all day long - just put everything of his in there so it's out of the way.

And as I said, my instinct is that you could tone down the time you spend on cleaning and prioritise tidying instead.

So you have a lazy selfish husband who doubles your workload?

Stop doing laundry for him, shopping or cooking.
Feed yourself and the children and tell him he now cooks and cleans up for himself.

He can change snd step up, but he doesn't want to.

A self loser.
Start protecting yourself and your mental health, because it is at risk when he is causing you so much grief.

It sounds to me as if you have ridiculously high standards of cleanliness and tidiness, which are unrealistic and unnecessary. You are making the problem for yourself - if your DH is willing to help, e.g. with washing-up, but you criticise the way he does it and end up doing it yourself, that’s a sure-fire way to ensure he'll offer less and less.

How often do you do a "deep clean"? About ten times more frequently than I do, I bet! Yes, bathrooms and kitchens need to be kept to a hygienic standard, but that shouldn’t take long if you do a little every day. It would not be good to bring your children up to think they must never make a mess or to be terrified of a bit of dirt. Train them to put their toys away, e.g. before they are allowed to watch tv.

Tbh I would find someone with this level of devotion to cleanliness and tidiness very hard to live with (I nearly said "obsession", which you say isn’t true, but frankly I’m not so sure).

Tidying and deep cleaning are not the same though.

My house gets untidy throughout the week because I cba. My partner is tidier than I am but he's not that fussed. But the house still doesn't require 'deep cleaning' at the weekend. It's gets untidy across the week but not exceptionally dirty.

Yes I think it's really important to let go of the 'deep cleaning' aspect. It's unnecessary and can actually be bad for you/your children. And if you find that you can't face letting go of it, or it's too difficult to maintain a balance, that would indicate that you do actually have some kind of unhealthy relationship with the cleaning side of things.

It's because you are expecting yourself to get on with it and the house to look tidy and spotless. In reality with small kids it doesn't happen like that and you are draining yourself trying to keep up with such high standards. I've given up on tidying or cleaning much , I set a schedule and do what I can , but I don't deep clean because I know that feeling no matter how much you do , one meal prepared in the kitchen, one bath , playtime with kids and you are back to square one. I think you need to think you will do what you can and not get so worried about mess etc , you have small kids that's the way it is. If it matters that much and you can afford it why not a cleaner in to do a deep clean once a week or so. Cleaning 3 plus hours a day on your free time is very excessive

20 mins a day as soon as you wake up. Wipe down shower on days you're washing your hair. Sink/toilet whilst kids are in bath. One load of washing each morning. Hoover one room a day. Small and often i find works best rather than large chunks of the weekend. The lazy husband I can't advise on!

Otherwise a cleaner to do bathrooms and floors once a fortnight might break the back of it

I would second the organised mum method because I think from memory it was devised by someone who was starting to obsessively clean as a way of managing the anxiety around her cleaning.

Every day you do one load of washing, make beds and clean one item in your bathroom. Then every week day you focus on a different thing, for half an hour only...e.g

Monday - living room
Tuesday - bedrooms
Wednesday - hall, stairs, landing
Thursday - kitchen
Friday - a deeper clean on rotation of something not included above e.g. oven.

Then weekends off.

I think that's the gist anyway...and it's supposed to make things more manageable.

It’s really not. Why wouldn’t you scrub your bathroom down at least twice a week?

op I get you. I can’t function in an untidy space. At all. I just can’t function if there is a pile of something to do - dishes, laundry, Kids toys, washing etc

I have a cleaner though that comes in 2x a week and that is how I cope.

Why does a bathroom need ‘scrubbing down’ twice a week? Are you talking about the walls? Don’t you just get out the Cif or whatever and clean bath / basin / toilet?