Feeling overwhelmed with housework 🥹

[Hilltongum]

Hi there, just a small rant.

I’ve just been feeling a bit overwhelmed with the housework lately 🥹 I like to live in a really clean home with everything in its place - it’s not OCD or anything, I just don’t like mess and do my best to tidy and keep the place neat - my home isn’t immaculate (I’ve got small children) so I know all too well how messy things can get - but it’s sometimes so overwhelming doing the deep cleans, vacuuming, organising etc. My husband pitches in with the dishes now and then but it’s just not really at the thorough standard that I want things (if that make sense) although I am grateful - and if I don’t do a thorough clean then the kitchen/living room usually resembles a pig sty. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know that as a mum you’re expected to sort of just “get on with it” and have a stiff upper lip and all that because it’s all part and parcel but sometimes it just gets a bit too much when you’ve spent 3+ hours of your free time deep cleaning the house (and that’s just the areas people can see) and by the following evening it looks just how it was before. Euuurrrfh. Had a bit of a cry and I’m okay now because I know it might be hormones too and all that but my husband just doesn’t get it and thinks I’m simply referring to dirty dishes sighs

I thought deep cleans were supposed to be annual, not weekly?! My standards have had to drop since I developed health issues, but yours sound very high. Perhaps a little too high given young children? If husband genuinely is messy and not cleaning properly when he does it then that’s not ok, can you speak to someone who knows you both to get an idea if that’s the case, or if your standards are unrealistic?

In what way is your DH messy? Is it leaving stuff around or is it due to cooking or something?
On another note by deep clean do you mean thoroughly cleaning the house from top to bottom or just the usual dust, vacuum and wipe down?

I just have days where I do nothing beyond putting on all the machines, so: dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, robot hoover.

get rid of some of the toys then there is less to get messy

Leaving stuff around, when he cooks it gets extremely messy, I know it’s hard to understand what I mean as it’s a personal experience but it’s relentless. Things as simple as putting your rubbish in the bin, at least emptying the contents of your plate and leaving it beside the sink (you don’t have to wash it) etc would really lighten the load imo.

What do you mean by deep clean, though?

my version of deep cleaning is getting out all the cleaning products and basically disinfecting and getting rid of the built up grime/dirt. The everyday cleaning doesn’t involve using too many products and takes less time.

It sounds, to use a MN classic line, like you have a DH problem if he’s not even scraping his plate (and putting it in the dishwasher!) or putting his rubbish in the bin! That’s bare minimum type stuff, surely?
For more general mess/accumulation of stuff we have the ‘crap baskets’. Each person has their own basket which stuff that has been left around gets thrown into. Once the basket is full it needs to be emptied by the owner otherwise it all goes in the bin. I always follow through on binning stuff and my family know it, so this has been very effective

Have you tried the "OH's crap in a box" method?

It involves chucking all the crap your OH leaves around the place in a box in the garden and leaving it there.

Your house can't be 'dirty' 3 days after a deep clean. It might be messy and need a wipe and run round with the hoover but no need to be washing walls and dusting light fixtures or moving furniture.

You and dh need to agree what acceptable looks like then you both do half the work (or proportionate to free time) to reach that standard. Then if you want to spend hours shining taps then so be it.

I'm afraid you do sound a little obsessive which would be fine but it's upsetting you so needs to change.

OCD is not about cleaning. Ffs

Get a cleaner.

You're working hard by the sound of things and probably making great progress even if that's not clear to you at the moment. When you get a chance, you could try doing a meditation for overwhelm, it could help get your thoughts straight. I find Linda Hall great. She's on YouTube.

Remember, done is better than perfect too. You could try cutting corners, like putting things on a quick wash, not separating the cutlery and even disposable paper plates/tin foil for sandwiches and snacks for the kids to save on washing up. Another option is to get in a cleaner once a week. Even if it's only for 2 hours. Then you could leave the big jobs to the cleaner, hoovering, changing beds etc. No one outside the home expects the place to be perfect with young kids really. Would you, if it was someone elses house?

The Organised Mum Method was a life changer for me. Her mantra is 'Good enough is good enough' definitely worth listening to some podcasts/videos she does as makes you realize that housework will always be there and you can only do your best..

It really helped me to get a system in place and my house is much tidier as a result too .

Really hope you find something that helps .....It's horrible when it always feels so overwhelming 😥

I took from it that she's got quite high standards even with small children. I've got a toddler and don't remember the last time I did a really deep clean 😅 obviously I clean but not for 3 bloody hours

As someone who has similar feelings about their environment and similar cleaning standards I feel pretty confident to say it’s a (mostly) you issue. Your expectations for how much you clean are unrealistic. That said I say mostly as I suspect your partner being messy is probably making your desire to have a clean and organised home much stronger. I suspect you’d likely be able to accept lower standards and feel less need for such regular deep cleans if you could maintain the lower standard consistently. I’d therefore be questioning how you could hold your partner accountable for creating a better home environment.

yes you’re bang on. I’m really not that bothered about cleaning if it’s easy to maintain. But it’s just knowing that your hard work will be undone 🥹

I think twice a week for a ‘deep clean’ is excessive and I’m still not sure what you mean by that. You say you get all the products out but what are you cleaning and do you mean the whole house?

Keeping a whole house clean constantly is hard work and I don’t manage it and it’s only me and a teenager! I do the basics each day eg make the beds/dishwasher/wipe round the kitchen and then if I do one small job on top each day I’m happy, eg mop a floor.

I think you have to be realistic and have a rota or a method. I tried FlyLady and thought it was good but a bit old-fashioned and I didn’t stick to it.

How can there be built up dirt and grime if you're deep cleaning every weekend and doing top up cleans every day?

I clean properly every weekend, do top up cleans daily/during the week depending on the room and deep clean yearly-half termly depending on the room. But to me, a deep clean involves removing lamp shades etc to clean or emptying out cupboards to clean them thoroughly or cleaning doors (rather than just wiping off incidental marks). Otherwise it's just cleaning.

I always use products to clean whether it's weekly or daily top ups so I'm also unsure what you mean by a 'deep clean'. I just can't see how that's necessary weekly or more.

I think most of your ‘problem’ is a lazy, messy, disrespectful husband who pretends not to see his own mess, but in reality knows you’ll clean up as he doesn’t want to.

I can think of a thousand things I’d rather do than deep clean my bathroom twice a week. Good enough is good enough. No one lies on their death bed wishing they had cleaned more.

Cleaning isn’t tyding - after a few hours it may look chaos but the muck and grime won’t be there / you are mixing two things up

although deep cleaning is something we do togther but only very occasionally

And you want to do this twice a week ideally?

How much built up dirt and grime can there be in three days? A proper wipe down of the kitchen surfaces, sink, and hob (if used) every day should be enough to stop that building up, for example. Our kitchen routine is that while one of us is doing DC bedtime, the other tidies away dinner (we all eat together), puts dishwasher on, washes up anything not able to go in the dishwasher, wipes down dinner table and anything in kitchen, and rinses/wipes sink. The dishwasher is then unloaded by DH before he goes to bed, so breakfast stuff can immediately be put in.

It sounds like you have a husband that needs to do more, but also that you need to relax a little bit. Nobody needs to deep clean anything twice a week - that’s just silly and creating work for the sake of it.