I have 2 boys aged 6 and 5. My husband passed away just after my youngest turned 1. I was sole beneficiary to his life insurance policies. We have managed with support from my family and in laws and live comfortably.
My issue is, about a year ago I started seeing someone who has one child of his own. We never met each others children until around 3months ago. His daughter is 9. When we introduced them it was at an outing. My boys asked for ice cream and his child didn’t want one. He told me there and then that I should pay for my own kids as when it came to the children he didn’t want to mix finances. It did get catch me off guard as I wouldn’t have ever hesitated to treat his child and I remember thinking ok fine. A few more outings were met the same way. He refused to buy anything for my boys whilst I still offered to pay for his daughters as I felt bad leaving her out if my boys got something.
Currently we have separate living arrangements. He says he wants to get married at some point but I don’t know if I ever want to marry again or even stay with him tbh. I’m seeing him in a different light. Entitled.
He lives at his mums house with his child. His ex is not involved in the child’s life but pays towards their daughter’s needs and they seem to manage. His child has the box room and he sleeps on the guest sofa in the downstairs study.
My house is mortgage free. It has 3 double bedrooms. My children both have their own rooms. We also have a small office/study upstairs,it’s tiny but sufficient for when I work from home but would struggle with a single bed.
He never asked about my living arrangements or my finances and I never mentioned or asked about his. I did have the feeling he thought I was struggling; and that maybe I would end up using him for money at some point. I have never asked him for anything. He told me when it comes to the kids we were to keep finances separate as he didn’t think it fair to fund my kids as there’s 2 of them and he only has 1. He had never been inside my house due to the kids and I had never been to his. We always met up at places as we both drive. This worked for us.
His first visit to my place has changed a few things. He was surprised I had a nice little place. Suddenly he’s acting like he’s the man of the house practically dying to move in. I made it clear that I wasn’t in a position to live together just yet as my children are still dealing with the change, I want to ease things in and only when they feel comfortable will I discuss the changes with the kids included in the conversation. For me this seemed fair as it would affect all our lives. I also do enjoy my own space, I don’t want to rush anything and regret it later.
The topic of rent/mortgage came up and he asked how much my mortgage was. I mentioned my house was mortgage free as their dad’s money covered the mortgage balance that was left over. He questioned me about how much money I received and I said I wasn’t comfortable discussing this. He seemed to get annnoyed and said I didn’t trust him. I replied saying it didn’t matter as I had nothing left and the money I did receive has all gone and the boys just have savings for their future.
He ignored me for a few days and didn’t reply to any of my texts and calls. When he finally did he said I wasn’t serious about our relationship and to prove it to him we should all move in and live together as a family. Even told me my boys could share a room and his daughter would have her own space as she was the only girl.
I asked him when was a good time to move myself and my kids into his mums house. He replied saying why I would be moving into his home when we could all have more space at mine. I asked him why he thought he was entitled to move into my house with his child getting her own room and my boys sharing. That I didn’t think it was fair for him to decide these things alone without my input.
We spoke at length about living arrangements. His thought process was that living in my home would financially make more sense. He wanted to split the bills with him paying 1/3 and me paying 2/3s, as I had more children and said £300 should be more than enough to cover “his portion of the bills”. He currently pays his mum £500. I told him I would think about it.
I have been thinking about it. I have happily covered all the expenses in my home for years and would be able to manage fine alone. He expects his child to have her own room. My boys would end up sharing which they have already said no to. The boys get on fine but both have different interests. For the sake of £300 a month I told him no. That for him and his child they would benefit from a bigger house. His daughter benefits from a larger bedroom. He benefits from lower outgoings. Yet for my boys they’d lose out on their own safe space and privacy and I felt like his contribution was to low and insulting considering how much he was paying his mum.
Am I wrong in thinking if he wanted a future with us then he should start seeing my children as an extension to his and that all 3 should be treated fairly. The bills should be split fairly as the children have a room each with us as a couple having one. He said my youngest could have the study if he wanted his own space and I felt annoyed that he thought my child should give up a double bedroom to sleep in a box room.
I told him we could look at getting a new property together and I could look to rent my home out. We could look at places that would be big enough to give us all adequate space. He told me that he didn’t want to spend that much and I was being selfish and inconsiderate. That mortgage and bills on a 4 bed would mean he’d pay double or triple what he’s paying to his mum.
He asked if I’d be willing to sell my home and use the money towards a new property together as it would mean lower mortgage payments. I said no. That this home was where my children were born and I wanted them to inherit it when old enough so I would never sell. This opened up a new conversation on what his child would inherit. I said from me she would inherit nothing. My home was my husbands so rightfully will go to my boys and only my boys. That he didn’t contribute anything so why would his child get a share. Suddenly he felt if we married his daughter should get an equal share. I said any marital assets we got together I agree 100% in splitting equally for all 3 but not my current home which has nothing to do with him or his child.
He has since stopped talking to me and said that I am horrible for not thinking about his daughter and putting my kids first. I responded with who was he putting first when he refused to pay for an ice cream for my kids yet expects my boys to share their potential inheritance with his.
I Genuinely do not believe I have done or said anything wrong. My in laws were gobsmacked when I told them and begged me not to stay with him and that my boys had to come first. So much so that they said they would look to change their own wills so any money would go directly in trust to my boys. I did think they were going a step far but again I understand them not wanting their money to go to anyone else.
I have since decided to call time on our relationship and said I do not feel comfortable moving forward as feel like I’m being used.
He told me I would forever be alone as I put my own selfish needs first and couldn’t see the bigger picture. I must admit I don’t see the bigger picture. I’m happy to be alone if it means my kids don’t lose out and when I think about it I felt that it was always me doing and paying for most of our days out or we’d split 50/50. He never once covered the cost of anything solely even when we just grabbed a coffee.
I am taking a step back from dating now as I am mind boggled. Was I being unreasonable.?
Does anyone think I was being selfish because I cannot see it.