Never invited on sibling holiday.

[NeedToLetItGo]

My sister and brother go on holiday each year with their families and have never mentioned or suggested we go. AIBU

Background: I was single until my late 30s, was very close to my sister, her husband and kids, I called up, brought the kids out to give her a break (and also as I loved spending time with them), babysat, took annual leave when they were sick to help out.

When I met and married a man who had kids and we went onto a child of our own, she never once offered a single hour of practical support to me. I was hurt by that, but more so by her lack of interest in my kids. She makes a token visit once or twice a year, always to me, never asks us up, my child doesn't know what her house looks like. I asked her kids down for days and sleepovers, she came down once and left them for 3 hours. The relationship I valued so much as an aunt to her kids didn't seem to be valued by my sister or her husband and I really really missed them.

In the first few years of my married life. I asked her to holiday with us, she was under financial pressure and we were not holidaying abroad at that stage, sent her Air bnbs etc, it didn't materialise.
We went from being very close and involved to once I became a mum, very limited contact. She gets on well with my husband who is very easygoing and not the problem!

She has for the last few years holidayed abroad with my brother. I would have no problem with this if she showed interest in catching up otherwise but it is very hurtful that she wants to spend a few weeks every year with his family, while seeing so little of mine. The trip is never mentioned until months after it is booked. If she even acknowledged it and said Look love you but just prefer to holiday with X, Id have no problem. It is the silence that is the killer.

My kids ask why we arent invited, my friends and some of her friends have asked me why we dont go with them and I know my parents feel for me & the kids especially as one of them innocently asked why we never go with them in front of my Mum and Dad - but I keep them out of it, and brush it off.

I wont ever say anything to my sister, you can't make someone want to be a part of your kids lives. I know there will always be an emotional distance between us now, but wonder if anyone else has faced something similar with a sibling and has advice?

Re my brother, I don't expect him to ask me, we are not close so he doesn't factor in. I just want to have the positive outlook on it that I can take to manage the hurt and also the hurt of my kids who genuinely love their cousins. I guess at the heart of it, I couldn't imagine telling some of my nieces and nephews I would holiday with some of the others and not think about asking them!

I remind myself that I am very close to another sibling that I have great friends and while it took me a while to get to know them, have really lovely and kind in-laws who are so inclusive. We are regularly asked away with friends. I love all the kids involved very much and keep the focus on them. This situation won't change so I need to manage it, as it does hurt every year. AIBU to feel hurt?

My sister and brother go on holiday each year with their families and have never mentioned or suggested we go. AIBU

Well, I would say YABU not to ask one of them if you want to know.

Does your brother have children? If yes are they the same ish ages as her children?

I notice you say you are very close with another sibling so it’s almost like 2 pairs rather than a huge sibling group, as this other sibling also isn’t invited on the holiday.

Obviously she’s taken full advantage of the child free hands on aunty and she was never going to be able to give you fully the same experience as she does have children but to almost drop you like a rock the second you have a child isn’t on at all because even a huge age gap between cousins they can still spend some time together and she can be interested without babysitting or it being a horror of a holiday for 15 year olds and a 2 year old and yet she’s not.

Unless theirs some huge backstory where she thinks your husband isn’t good enough and the baby she feels cemented the marriage as such and so she’s noped out.

It’s not unreasonable that you feel hurt. Why don’t you just ask for the reason? Obviously if you do that then you need to be prepared for a frank (and potentially hurtful) response. It might be something really simple and innocuous, like your brother’s and sister’s kids are similar ages. Or it could be something bad, one of them doesn’t like you/your husband. But either way, at least you’d know the truth…

I have 4 siblings and get on better with certain ones, same personality etc
However, I would be really hurt by this and would probably distance myself. Wait till she rings you, make yourself less available especially if you look after her kids and it's never reciprocated.
It's easy for people to give reasons why you're never been included, but it bloody hurts! I've been in your shoes, so took my own advice and feel so much better.

How many siblings are there? Are they closer In age to each other or their children close in age?

My other sibling doesn't have any children and she wouldn't be interested in the type of holidays (cruises) with kids.

I have kids around the same age as my brother, my kids are well behaved, all get on great with their cousins so that's not it.

It isn't a topic I think I can discuss. It is never mentioned to me at all that the holiday is being planned or booked until several months after it is all done and dusted (I heard last year from my sisters friend that it was booked!) - it is striking how it has never once be said directly to me by her.

My kids are getting older and ask questions and that's the part that upsets me most. But I have just said to them that we don't know the reason why and I hope when they are older that family time is open to all kids in the family.

Last year I was hosting a family event. My sister at that point thought she couldn't afford a holiday this year. She and my nephew spoke about what they would do if they won the lottery. In front of my children, they both agreed they would love to go on holiday again with my brothers family. My kids naturally asked questions on this once they were gone.

Really can't see me opening this conversation, it just feels so pointless and I dont think she would take it well. I suppose I'm trying to put it to bed in my own head - but can't help it impacting how I feel when I am with them.

I don't understand why you wouldn't ask. One of my sisters decided to take the other away for 2 nights. My brother got told he had to come as they need another driver. He took great pains to tell me it wasn't an invite but more a summons but since our mum would like to go he's rearranged work to be able to take her. I wasn't asked so I responded with wheres my invite. Cue an apology from sister that because kids would be at school (different holidays) she didn't think we would be able to come. I said I would have appreciated an invite and she took it on board. We are family, issues do come up but I firmly believe in raising it rather than quietly seething and getting upset. It helps that I know my sister wouldn't intentionally hurt me and whilst we live some distance away she is hands on with my children when she sees them as I am with hers. Why not raise it with your brother as he's leaving you out too?

Your sister sounds thoughtless and if she is causing you hurt then you either address it or make your own family the priority. You find friends that fill that void or you make your own family the priority in that her lack of presence is felt less.

You say yourself that you are not close to your brother and honestly, it doesn't sound like you are close to your sister any more either, so I am not sure why you would expect to be invited on their holiday? Where would it end - you would have to invite your 4th sibing otherwise she may be upset, would your parents then be upset if they didn't also get an invite? It would potentially turn into a huge whole family affair which is probably not what your brother or sister want.

I only have one sibling but if I did have 3 and I was planning a holiday with one of them, it wouldn't occur to me that I would have to ask the other two in case I upset one of them!

I agree with @NoodleNuts and also think while it's lovely that you were so involved with your sisters' children, it is a different situation now and the expectations can't be the same. You were single, child-free and wanted to be very involved with her kids as an auntie. When you had your DC and step-DC, your sister was well into her parenting years and though I'm sure she loves your DC, unless she's big into kids, she's at a different stage and busy with her own family. Course it hurts that you were closer before and she does prefer to go away with your brother - not sure why you'd want her to say that to you, surely she'd think that'd be much worse than just making her choices and hoping the logic (as per @NoodleNuts post) is clear. It's always going to be complicated with several siblings in the mix and your expectations of her are higher than those you have of your brother, which again speaks to the tricky dynamics.

I'd completely forget about being invited on the sibling holiday and not get wound up by your kids' questions - it's totally fine and true to tell them most people don't go on holiday with their siblings, so their expectations are more realistic and yours can be too. Holidays are meant to be fun and a relief from obligations, not fraught with these politics so let them enjoys theirs and you enjoy yours, your DC won't be damaged by not holidaying with their cousins. On the wider matter, I'd accept that you did things to a different timeline and had that lovely close time with sister and her DC before and now you're all in another phase - which reminds me to say she's probably knackered as much as anything, I've had to strip other obligations right back as kids hit teens and I hit peri - so try to see the positives like you're closer to the other sibling and everyone's managing their ways through this without any overt conflict, which is no mean feat in a big family.

You aren’t close to your brother and have limited contact with your sister. It’s unlikely to be an enjoyable holiday for any of you, sitting around on a cruise with nothing to say to each other - or else, just doing your separate things, in which case, what’s the point of going together?

Yes, it sucks that your sister got the benefit of you as fun, childfree auntie who wanted to spend time with her kids and can’t / won’t return that scenario to you, but I don’t think they’re unreasonable not to invite you on their holidays which it doesn’t sound as though any of you would really enjoy being together on. If you’d like to try and regain some of the closeness you used to have, why not suggest a separate holiday without your brother?

Thanks everyone- great to hear different perspectives. I think at the heart of it, is that I miss her but as has been pointed out by other family members, it was a one way street relationship.

She has much more available time in recent years as two of her children have moved out. She may very well be enjoying her additional time to herself. She regularly visits other family members and their children, arranges coffees, drops her kids to their house, it is just starkly different with me & it is that imbalance I have struggled with. And probably feel a bit embarrassed as I had always assumed, she would have some interest.

I like what someone said about phases in life. She and I were once close and that has changed. I have brilliant friends and great in laws so I'll let this go and focus on what is working well in life, and see this as a reset button. I also am genuinely glad that my other nieces and nephews get that quality time together, they are fantastic kids and deserve fun times. Ill continue to ask my nieces and nephews over and plan things with them so my kids get that experience, rather than hoping the aunt or uncle takes an interest. This is the shift in mindset I need - Thanks all.

You say you’ve asked your sister to holiday with you but not your brother and that he doesn’t factor in as you’re not close so aren’t you wanting to do the exact same thing i.e. go on holiday with one sibling and their family and leave the other one out?

My brother was holidaying abroad at that time, which wasn't affordable for either my family or my sisters so that wasn't an option. He has never holidayed at home.

My view is that relationships are slides not seesaws, the flow of support does not switch over when circumstances change. The person who gave emotional and time support (top of the slide) will stay put and the person at the bottom of the slide (receiving support) will not even think to swap places (like a seesaw alternating between up and down). I have seen this so many times, and it is true of my relationship with my sister too. Just do what works for you.

This analogy is really really helpful. Thanks so much.

Hmm, I'd rather say SOME relationships are slides, and some are seesaws. There are plenty where each person does give help and support to the other when needed, and receives it when THEY need. Though I agree in family relationships especially, it's easy to get stuck in a pattern where one is expected to give and the other takes.

I also wondered whether your sister's attitude might be due to the older ones being your step-children, and not directly related to her? She maybe doesn't really see them as "your" kids, so possibly wasn't as interested in building a relationship with them, and then even if she sees your youngest differently, may feel awkward/embarrassed because she hasn't really been treating the others as "part of the family", so can't easily start treating the youngest that way without making it obvious that they got/are getting different treatment. Sometimes people react to situations that make them feel awkward by just avoiding them, could that be it?

Your feelings are fine but either do something about them and talk to your siblings or accept this is how it is.

We can't help figure out why

Different parenting styles?

I think you should forget about the holiday and concentrate on the relationship with just your sister. With the best will in the world, other people’s kids can be less interesting after you’ve raised your own and moved through that phase.
Why not meet up just the two of you -maybe as a treat for her birthday-and do something you’d both like. Tell her you miss your time with her and how much you look back with fondness on that period when she was a new mum.
Just put the holiday hurt to one side. It’s not just her decision- your brother may be the driving force here. Concentrate on building bridges with her and everything may follow. You can do this. Good luck OP.

I would just ask her - what have you got to lose? It may not change anything but at least you would know.

I think your comment about your brother is quite telling. If you aren’t close to him why would you want to be invited on holiday with him?

if you want to get closer to your brother, you need to put effort in at other times too.

Is it something to do with step children? I’m not sure I’m reading right but is it that you have one child of your own and two step children? Not everyone wants to treat step children as if they are related so maybe there’s a difference between your expectations.

All your endless speculation is pointless if you aren’t going to ask her why. You are just guessing tbh. It doesn’t need to be a fight or a big confrontation. Are you afraid of what she will say? Do you avoid confrontation in other aspects of your life? This may not be something that you want to teach your children.

I think I am in a slight similar position to you only we didn't think having children ourselves was possible. I helped my sister out with child care and her kids would stay over at ours a lot. I was heavily involved with my sisters pregnancies and helped with the young children. Then I fall pregnant and she suddenly can't answer any messages and shows no interest but is very angry during my pregnancy. She show's no interest in my child or me and gets offended by the close relationship she has with my other family members, and close friends. She has cut me off now completely after she fell out with one of my other siblings.

It really wouldn't be an easy conversation for the op to ask 'why aren't you interested in me?'. What would it achieve, flimsy excuses and denials.

What you have sadly got to accept op is she just isn't bothered. Yes it hurts and stings but you can't make people want to be with you.

Just draw a line, ignore the pair of them they sound arrogant and self centred and focus on the sibling who cba. Good luck.