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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family member moved in….

39 replies

FFSSue · 28/05/2025 11:29

Family member moved in with us 5 years ago as he fell out with previous landlord, also family member. It was a short term arrangement till they got sorted. In short 5 years later still here at a minimal rent (about one seventh of room rentals round here). Initially it was OK but I have now had enough. No attempt seemingly to sort anything out, does a few chores that’s minimal too so several weeks back gave them 6 months notice which is generous. I think it took them aback but so far things have been civil but just want to ask others of their experience in trying to rent a room in London- is it that hard to find somewhere?

Our lodger has been looking on MySpare Room but says the rooms they go after are either gone or if they go for a viewing no one turns up. This has happened on about 6 rooms so far. I have told them to contact the council to find out how their application to go on list is going( they applied to the council at my insistence a few months back so in the 5 years here hadn’t even done that!).
They would be eligible for sheltered housing as over 55. Is their age making people wary? I am just getting concerned that time will pass quickly and they’ll still be here come the end of the 6 month deadline and then what?

Is it harder for older people to rent these days?

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 28/05/2025 11:31

Who are they? In law/sibling? Why is it on you to provide accommodation?

EggnogNoggin · 28/05/2025 11:35

Your first sentence is why people are wary:

Family member moved in with us 5 years ago as he fell out with previous landlord, also family member

They are absolutely playing you. You could arrange and accompany them on these visits to see for yourself but honestly unless you are tougher and literally make them homeless, the will never move on.

Gundogday · 28/05/2025 11:37

From what I understand, you need to make them homeless to get a council place, or it’s a long wait.

Also, unless you give them a deadline, there’s no incentive for them to move out. Tell them they have to be out by July 1st (or whenever).

You also may have to get tough and sit with them looking at spare rooms, and go with viewings with them. They don’t sound very proactive themselves..

Don’t be a guarantor for them. You’ll end being responsible for the rent when they don’t pay.

BCSurvivor · 28/05/2025 11:38

OP, you've been far too nice for far too long.
Your lodger has become complacent and entitled, and will probably try emotional blackmail to stay.
If he/she were ever serious about moving out they would have been actively looking and saving for a deposit during the past five years.
You need to get tough and reinforce the six month notice with constant nudges.
Yes, it's hard to find affordable accommodation in London, but if they can't afford London they need to look further afield.
Don't fall for the sob stories and excuses - your ''short term'' lodger has had five years to save and sort something out and hasn't.

Doggielovecharlotte · 28/05/2025 11:42

OP you rescued them and are continuing
to do so

you don’t have to help them find somewhere to live, that is their job, and you don’t have to give them 6 months notice either, they’ve had 5 years!

tell them to go in the next month

please do not continue to rescue them by accompanying them to see places

Octavia64 · 28/05/2025 11:43

It’s reasonably easy to find a room in a shared house in London if you are young (so student or just starting out).

most shared houses fill a room either through friend of friends (Helen’s boyfriend knows someone) or they interview.

older people (and in this context over 35 is older) have much more trouble because they don’t gel socially.

they’ll need to look specifically for older shared houses or a lodging type situation.

the “interviews” can be difficult to pass.

pinkdelight · 28/05/2025 11:44

Why on earth would you put up with this beyond the initial short-term period? If they’re not SEN or got some kind of reason they need your support in that way, why can’t they manage their own life and housing like every other adult has to? They’ve saved a fortune by living with you for five years. Why can’t they rent their own flat, a studio or one bed or small house rather than a spare room? Their age may well be off putting for house sharers but as you say this person qualifies for over 55 accommodation so it shouldn’t be some insurmountable task to sort that. They shouldn’t need you or the council to come to their aid. Be clear and direct - you’ve done more than enough. Make a deadline and stick to it.

pinkdelight · 28/05/2025 11:45

They could even lodge somewhere else, and could look outside of London too. I suspect they’ve just got too comfortable with you and will keep on failing to find other options as long as you let them.

Icedcaramelfrappe · 28/05/2025 11:46

A single male has zero chance of getting a council property in London

Hibernatingtilspring · 28/05/2025 12:05

Commonly it is existing tenants who have a say on housemates for house shares (even if the rents are separate, landlords often leave it to the tenants to do the viewings and in return the tenants get a say in who is picked) I can't imagine there are many who would be looking for a 55yr old male housemate.

Also if lettings are anything like Manchester, good places can go extremely quickly. Whole flats are let without people even viewing, house shares tend to go v quick in the city if the price is decent. Some sites hide the ads behind a paywall for the first week, so you need to sign up and pay in order to get the contact details - by the time the ad becomes free to view, it'll have gone.

None of this is your problem to solve though! He's had plenty of time to sort himself out

SpanThatWorld · 28/05/2025 12:09

Close to zero chance of 55 year old bloke getting a space in a shared house in London.

My son and his gf (early 20s) ended up taking a shocking room in an absolute dump without having seen it because they'd missed out on so many and time was tight.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 28/05/2025 12:11

Are they over 60? If so, have a look at Alms Houses.

purplecorkheart · 28/05/2025 12:11

Has he looked into being a lodger rather than looking for a room share in a house. It might be more suitable since he is older.

Pherian · 28/05/2025 13:25

FFSSue · 28/05/2025 11:29

Family member moved in with us 5 years ago as he fell out with previous landlord, also family member. It was a short term arrangement till they got sorted. In short 5 years later still here at a minimal rent (about one seventh of room rentals round here). Initially it was OK but I have now had enough. No attempt seemingly to sort anything out, does a few chores that’s minimal too so several weeks back gave them 6 months notice which is generous. I think it took them aback but so far things have been civil but just want to ask others of their experience in trying to rent a room in London- is it that hard to find somewhere?

Our lodger has been looking on MySpare Room but says the rooms they go after are either gone or if they go for a viewing no one turns up. This has happened on about 6 rooms so far. I have told them to contact the council to find out how their application to go on list is going( they applied to the council at my insistence a few months back so in the 5 years here hadn’t even done that!).
They would be eligible for sheltered housing as over 55. Is their age making people wary? I am just getting concerned that time will pass quickly and they’ll still be here come the end of the 6 month deadline and then what?

Is it harder for older people to rent these days?

It’s not harder for them if they are applying with a social landlord that does housing for 55+ If they are competing against professionals for rooms then yes.

Give them a deadline to be out and when the day comes if they don’t have a place, then still stand firmly and tell turn they need to go.

Bonbon249 · 28/05/2025 13:30

It's easy to be wise after the event but you can see now that you should have set a date for departure when your lodger moved in. I would say generally house shares are more aimed at younger.people just starting out. I think sheltered housing is the best route for someone over 50.

Mh67 · 28/05/2025 13:59

with regards to council housing I put my name on list 37 years ago and I'm still waiting

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:08

You might have to write a letter stating he will no longer be living at yours on such and such date, he can take the letter to council saying he can’t find anywhere to live, they will tell him to come back on the date on letter if he becomes homeless, they will help him.
Once you tell him that, he may try harder but if not, he will have to go homeless to council.
Or you raise his rent to what he should be paying

pinkdelight · 28/05/2025 14:15

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:08

You might have to write a letter stating he will no longer be living at yours on such and such date, he can take the letter to council saying he can’t find anywhere to live, they will tell him to come back on the date on letter if he becomes homeless, they will help him.
Once you tell him that, he may try harder but if not, he will have to go homeless to council.
Or you raise his rent to what he should be paying

This is the process so it's useful advice, I'm not questioning that or your post. It's just weird that he's to be treated like he's helpless and a problem for the council to deal with rather than a grown up who should be able to house himself by this point. Especially as he's in London, the council has many more genuine cases and much higher priorities than giving scant resources to a serial freeloader. Perhaps he has to discover this for himself and finally take some responsibility.

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:19

He also may not be replying quick enough on any rooms to let because he thinks you will just give up and allow him to stay.

babystarsandmoon · 28/05/2025 14:20

Are they really looking or avoiding leaving because they’ll never get it this good again?

WallaceinAnderland · 28/05/2025 14:34

He will not get social housing. You cannot sort this out for him, he has to do it for himself. If he has nowhere to go by the time he leaves, he should present himself to his local council as homeless.

This is not your problem to solve. He has had 5 years to sort himself out. If he hasn't done it by now he is not going to.

Either kick him out or accept that he's with you forever.

Naunet · 28/05/2025 14:47

Is there a reason this grown, adult man is unable to look after himself? You've been way too soft, letting him pay a tiny rent and not pull his weight with chores. He's not a teenager finding his feel, he's a lazy, entitled dick, and you are not his mother.

Dearg · 28/05/2025 14:49

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:08

You might have to write a letter stating he will no longer be living at yours on such and such date, he can take the letter to council saying he can’t find anywhere to live, they will tell him to come back on the date on letter if he becomes homeless, they will help him.
Once you tell him that, he may try harder but if not, he will have to go homeless to council.
Or you raise his rent to what he should be paying

Actually I think giving him a letter with his vacate - date on it is a good shout even if he doesn’t take it to the council.
Crystallise it for him, so he doesn’t try to argue later.

Hibernatingtilspring · 28/05/2025 15:16

@SpryCat the council aren't obliged to house him, they'll most likely give him the same websites to look at for room shares or lodging as on here. They might put him in emergency accommodation for one night if his alternative would be sleeping rough, but as soon as they assess that he's got no specific vulnerabilities they'll send him on his way, regardless of whether he's found anywhere.

Again that isn't the OPs problem to sort out but there's no magic in a letter the OP writes thay will make someone else house him!

Cassieskinsismad · 28/05/2025 15:19

Mh67 · 28/05/2025 13:59

with regards to council housing I put my name on list 37 years ago and I'm still waiting

Are you bidding? The system has changed since then and you won't just be offered a place by waiting until you're top of the list. You'll never be top of the list if you don't bid. If you're in London or another major city and aren't homeless or have children (minors) living with you though, it's fair to say you probably don't have any realistic chance of getting given anything.

OP I was born in London and had to leave there because I couldn't afford the rent, not even on a flat share. It's life. If your relative is on minimum wage, that's the same wherever you are in the country, so they're going to have to move somewhere rentals are cheaper.

The issues they've got are multiple. I'm guessing they're not earning much or are on benefits, so maybe don't pass landlords financial checks and so someone else in a better financial position is always picked. Landlord especially won't touch people on benefits. They know that if the rules change the person won't be able to afford the rent and will dig their heels in until evicted by bailiffs in order to get help from the council. The tenant may have no other realistic choice, but it's very expensive for the landlord so they'll always choose someone earning well if they can.

Their age is going to rule them out of any houseshares really, they might find an HMO that'll take them, it'll probably be filled with others who could be classed a society's misfits eg addicts, people out of prison, and other social misfits for whatever reason who've reached middle age (because that's what over 35 is, it's only older people who thinks 40s is "young" and 50s "isn't old") without sorting out their earnings potential, finding friends/a partner and sorting out their living circumstances to afford to rent a flat. It's no use looking at the nice flatshares filled with young people in good parts of town, your relative has no chance with that.

Not having a reference won't be helping. You're a relative, you don't really count and they fell out with their last relative-landlord, which is a big red flag. If anyone finds that out, they would be mad to rent to them. They're basically asking someone to take them on as an unknown quantity and what landlord is going to do that when they can choose someone with a good reference from current landlord operating as a business and earning enough to pay the rent.

Not having a guarantor is likely to be a problem if a low earner. Don't be guarantor for them, it's not just box ticking, you'll be liable to pay their rent if they don't and they've already proved happy to take advantage of you for 5yrs. If something goes wrong for them they're not going to compromise their lifestyle to keep paying rent when they know if they default you'll have to pay.

I'd tell them to go to Citizens Advice Bureau because there may be schemes for providing an official guarantor if you have no family to do it, this definitely exists in countries abroad so perhaps it does here.

Realistically I'd suggest saving up a few months income, which should be easy on minimal rent for 5yrs. Then quitting their job (I'm guessing working remotely isn't a option and neither would be travel costs halfway across the country for interviews) and taking a cheap Air B&B place in a cheaper town for rentals, living off the savings whilst applying for every job they can and contacting every employment agency in the surrounding areas and taking anything offered. Once they have an income finding a flat or lodgings in an HMO should be easier in a cheaper area.

Before everyone shouts at me for saying to quit work, I know it's a risky strategy, but so is subsisting solely on benefits (because they've lost their job due to hygiene/tiredness) whilst sleeping rough because you've kicked them out. That's a lot harder place to get life straightened out from IMO than moving to some place more affordable with a few months of savings and solid determination to secure a job and home.

If they're single without dependents or severe disabilities they're not walking out of your place in six months and straight into council grotty and temporary accommodation, never mind permanent housing. Even if they do eventually get into temporary accommodation, there'll be a gap where they're on the streets (or sofa surfing if they have friends maybe) first.

They're being far too passive about this situation. I expect they think you won't actually kick them out onto the streets, since you already proved happy to trash your own boundaries of "short term only" long ago. If relying on that is their plan, you're going to have them living with you forever unless you also become far less passive and take the drastic action of kicking them out. They haven't gone willingly in 5yrs, you need to accept they're not going to go willingly now either. Cheap rent, minimal chores and a soft touch relative for a landlord is no incentive to move out.

Yohe got 3 options. Ignore it, hope it goes away and they leave voluntarily, which will never happen and they'll be with you forever. Kick them out to live on the streets of necessary, which is likely their only chance of getting council help. Or the in-between option of going all out yourself to help secure somewhere for them, which is probably going to involve a lot of time and energy and probably a fair amount of money too (like providing them with a years rent upfront to offer a landlord, which you'll realistically never be repaid by resentful relative who doesn't want to move out). As well as duping potential landlords as to the true character of the prospective tenant or implying the rental is for both of you not just them etc to make them look a more attractive prospect.

Personally I wouldn't get involved. You've done your bit giving them 5 fricking years and they've taken the piss with your generosity, sorting nothing out. For me, they'd be out on their own now. You have to be able to live with whatever decision you make though.

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