Is this acceptable?

[Doggypaws]

I’m needing someone to make me see that this situation is normal as I just don’t think it is.
So my fiance is becoming more and more obsessed with his football team. Over the last couple of years he’s followed them to most matches home and away and there’s obviously drink involved. Anyway more recently he’s gotten pally with 2 guys that sit very close to him at the football and they started a group chat. When they’ve gone to away matches they’re drinking at 8am before the train. He never used to do things like that.
2 weeks ago he came home absolutely wrecked as he’d been drinking all day. He was actually obnoxious and this was in front of my 13 yr old daughter (he’s not her dad). He apologised the next day and said that wasn’t fair on us.
The following weekend (last weekend) was the cup final, so they were away again. He paced himself a bit better. He rushed home on the early train the next day as his team won and there was a parade. Straight to the pub again, saw the parade then back to the pub. I was a bit peed off that he went back to the pub as I hadn’t seen him all weekend. I went to pick him and his mate up at 4.30pm. There was some random woman there and I asked who that was. He replied that she’s on their group chat. I said that he never mentioned her, he said she wasn’t relevant and also knew I’d get annoyed. Apparently she sits behind him at the football.
I left my daughter's father when she was a baby. He worked away 2 weeks but when he was home he spent every weekend in the pub, came home and was horrible, emotionally abusive, life was awful and I went through hell. He’d be at the pub all day at the weekend, women hanging round him, texting him and I was the ‘idiot girlfriend’ at home with his child.
When I picked my fiance up from the pub it was quite triggering, especially with that woman being there. I tried to explain that but he wasn’t interested. He’s then gone on and said that he’s asked the group chat if they want to go for a curry some night soon and that she might be going too. He said he barely knows her, but yet he’s inviting her for this curry. I asked if she was married etc and he said that she’s single.
I find it so weird. Why would a younger, single woman go for a curry with 3 men who have partners/married?!
I don’t know what think. He never used to do stuff like this. He knows all the stuff I went through with my daughter’s dad but when I mention it he just retaliates with ‘well you’re acting like my ex wife and I’m not going through that again, so if it continues then we’ll have to separate’. He has said he’s not interested in her at all, she’s irrelevant and he wouldn’t want to spoil what we have, but I just don’t get it?
Our dog passed away 2 months ago and I’m still devastated over that. He said last night that I’ve changed since he passed away and that maybe it’s making me more sensitive? I thought that was an odd comment.
Anyway, I’m not happy. He won’t speak calmly about things, any time I try and have a reasonable discussion he talks over me or lectures me, or storms off. I feel like there’s zero empathy there. I don’t mind the going to the football, but I hate everything that goes with it, the drinking, carrying on, and now a random woman!

Is the issue maybe more related to excessive drinking than to football?

It's good this didn't start after you were married. I wouldn't necessarily be worried about the woman, unless you have a particular reason to be. His childish laddish behaviour is the red flag here.

I used to follow a football team - home and away matches- and there was a section of the support we used to call " the drinkers". They used to do what your fiancé and his pals are doing as regards the alcohol: the day was actually more about the drinking than the football. Drinking before the match, during the travelling when it was an away match and after the match until closing time. Their family lives took a back seat to their social clique centered round drinking and the football and at least one marriage broke up because the wife had enough of this dynamic. And the rest of the supporters looked askance at them.

Even if you didn't have the added complication of this woman being part of the social group I would seriously reconsider your future with this man. And this woman will become more important to him.than you if she shares his main interest - drinking and football.

“You don’t know what to think?” I believe that you definitely do know what you are thinking.
Question is, what are you going to do because this is going nowhere but down the toilet.

Its the end of this relationship and you need to do it especially as you have an impressionable child witnessing this utterly shite behaviour and treatment of you.

Get your ducks in a row and get the fuck out of there.

Just to add, to get a better view of my whole situation. He works hard, long hours. Sometimes he drives to football, if matches are during the week, some random Saturdays or more usually Sundays he’ll drive and take my daughter as she loves going. We get on so well, usually. This drinking to excess crops up if it’s a home/away match on a Saturday.
He also doesn’t really drink that much at weekends if there’s no football, so it’s not like his life is ruled by alcohol. It just seems to get too much with this new crowd.

He's an alcoholic, get out and don't waste your money getting married to him.

I'm amazed that people still can't enjoy a day out and watch football without a drink. The whole country seems to be alcohol dependent. It's completely abnormal the behaviour you're describing and why would you want to waste your precious life on him.

The drinking is the issue here I think, as it's making him inconsiderate in general. I don't see an issue with a single female hanging out with guys who have the same interest, but I do get how coupled with your history that could be. He needs to go back to how he used to enjoy the football.

Is your user name 'BluePandaCool' the name of the hallucinogenic drink you have been drinking?!

I think it’s better if you separate. This is going to be your life if you marry him, him drinking excessively along football and you spending tons of time alone. It’s also not beneficial for your child whose wellbeing you have to think of too.

@BluePandaCool brilliant post - v.funny

@OvernightBloats I think it's called irony; possibly a tad inappropriate given the OP seems totally blinkered to the faults of her partner.

@Doggypaws your fiance is a total wanker. Run for the hills and don't shackle yourself to this prick. It's not only his new friends that are pricks - it's him! Also him saying it's your fault as you're oversensitive because your dog died.

How unkind and totally dickish

You're making excuses for him. He can be hardworking and not usually drink at weekends unless there's football which there is most weekends and his drinking then is what you'd see as alcoholic/boarderline alcoholic levels if you weren't making excuses for him. He can be kind and loving and even apologise the day after he's behaved appallingly but he's not changing his behaviour.

And you say he's taking your daughter to the fooball and driving there? How is he getting back from the football when he's legally so far over the limit his urine sample is probably just alcohol with added alcohol. Are you happy for her to be at matches with him?

He is ruled by alcohol if he starts drinking at 8am on a Saturday or Sunday and he is disrespecting you because he knows this is stuff you had to deal with before and he shows no sign of behaving like a decent human being when he's with his drinking mates. They sound like the sort of blokes who go bench drinking, out early on local benches with plastic bags of strong beer or cider. Everyone knows their faces locally because they're always at one bench or another and you notice bruises and split lips and the like because they get into ridiculous fights or just trip over drunk.

You need to seriously think about this relationship. I don't doubt it's better than the one you had with your ex but that's faint praise and you have a 13 year old daughter who's already seen one toxic relationship, please don't let her live through another one.

@springintoaction321 I know it was irony! I also was being ironic with my reply!

He won’t speak calmly about things, any time I try and have a reasonable discussion he talks over me or lectures me, or storms off. I feel like there’s zero empathy there.

This is a big issue; you have to be able to discuss issues that come up in your relationship, truly listen to each others' point of view, and each compromise when you're able. Even if he doesn't fully understand something - why you're wary of drunks, why you're worried about cheating - he should care about your feelings because he cares about you and wants you to be happy (and vice versa, of course).

Is he being like this when he's drunk or tipsy and/or when he feels you've set out to criticize his behaviour? If so, I'd try to talk with him when you both are relaxed, sober, and have time and privacy, and both agree to speak freely and listen to each other. If he's never willing or able to do that, then I don't see a lot of hope for a future. But even if he is, you may be incompatible. If he wants to drink to excess on occasion and won't budge on that, you have to decide if you're OK with that within certain boundaries (for example, he doesn't come home drunk when your daughter's there) or if it's a red line.

Hehe - whoopsy! Sorry I stupidly missed that - having another coffee now...

Just to say that when he drives my daughter to the football, he doesn’t drink at all. He has attended matches and not drank, I’ve just noticed more recently that he has been drinking more, since he met those blokes really.
I just spoke with him about it as I can’t sleep and he’s out working just now. We got into another argument. He said what’s the difference with having an 8am pint for the football, and having an early drink at the airport when we’re going on holiday?! He always has an answer! But then he said there’s no football until August now so there’ll be no 8am drinking for a while. He pointed out that there have been a few away matches he’s been to where his mates have driven and he’s not drank at all and I suppose that’s true. He said for the first time in his life he’s able to follow his team properly, as he’s got the money and he’s not working shifts, but football is not the most important thing in his life. He said the woman is totally irrelevant and he couldn’t care less about her. He said his drunken behaviour 2 weeks ago was unacceptable and he’ll make sure that won’t happen again esp in front of my daughter.
I don’t know, I’m just drained. It’ll probably be fine until the football starts again.

He was vile around your daughter. He won’t discuss it or agree to modify his drinking to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Line out. She’s more important. You can hang out with men like that after she’s grown and flown if you have to do so.

The woman is irrelevant. There’s nothing to suggest that she and your fiancé are involved.

however the drinking and the trailing after a footbal team is too much. His behaviour on this needs to change sharpish or get rid.

Sorry - cross posted. I’m glad he’s promised not to do that again. Don’t give him endless chances as she only has one at childhood. I hope he improves though as you are obviously very fond of him.

Well something clearly has to change here. I’d make him bloody listen to me. Either that or I’d kick his sorry arse to the curb.

I think the woman is probably irrelevant. It’s perfectly legitimate for a woman to enjoy football and be part of a group who attend together. So unless you have other reasons to be concerned (based on your current partner, not your past) I would stop this as an issue.

The drinking and football - I guess it depends why you care. It doesn’t actually sound like he has a big drink problem if he doesn’t drink much usually and goes to some games without drinking. Some people enjoy getting trashed at the football (absolutely wouldn’t be for me). You don’t have shared kids. But if you are unhappy with how it is overall impacting your relationship with him being away so much and then hungover, that’s fair enough and a valid reason to end the relationship.

Obviously him being a dick to you (especially in front of your daughter) is unacceptable but that sounds like a one off that he has avoided again? If so, it’s up to you whether you can move on from it or not.

“well you’re acting like my ex wife and I’m not going through that again, so if it continues then we’ll have to separate’.”

”It’ll probably be fine until the football starts again.”

Red flags, OP. He clearly has absolutely no intention of changing his ways. Can you live like this, when the football season is most of the year?

You need to sit down (when he’s sober/no football on) and have a conversation about your relationship, say you’re not happy with the level of drinking due to his behaviour when drinking. If he will talk about it reasonably then you might be able to make progress. If he’s defensive/angry and threatens to end the relationship then you need to consider that the relationship will no longer work for you.

The whole point of an engagement is to find out what a guy is like before actually making the decision to marry him. I would not be marrying him! Absolutely no way. He has a drinking problem. His priority is football. This woman is involved somewhere along the line and I wouldn't be happy with that. Honestly I would get out now.

It’s so hard. He does mean a lot to me. We’ve been together 12 years, where we’ve had our ups and downs but mostly been happy. This has only really happened in the last 6 months. He mostly has a good relationship with my daughter, right now she really doesn’t like her actual dad. I just feel so down. Maybe we can come to some kind of compromise.