Is this acceptable?

[Doggypaws]

I’m needing someone to make me see that this situation is normal as I just don’t think it is.
So my fiance is becoming more and more obsessed with his football team. Over the last couple of years he’s followed them to most matches home and away and there’s obviously drink involved. Anyway more recently he’s gotten pally with 2 guys that sit very close to him at the football and they started a group chat. When they’ve gone to away matches they’re drinking at 8am before the train. He never used to do things like that.
2 weeks ago he came home absolutely wrecked as he’d been drinking all day. He was actually obnoxious and this was in front of my 13 yr old daughter (he’s not her dad). He apologised the next day and said that wasn’t fair on us.
The following weekend (last weekend) was the cup final, so they were away again. He paced himself a bit better. He rushed home on the early train the next day as his team won and there was a parade. Straight to the pub again, saw the parade then back to the pub. I was a bit peed off that he went back to the pub as I hadn’t seen him all weekend. I went to pick him and his mate up at 4.30pm. There was some random woman there and I asked who that was. He replied that she’s on their group chat. I said that he never mentioned her, he said she wasn’t relevant and also knew I’d get annoyed. Apparently she sits behind him at the football.
I left my daughter's father when she was a baby. He worked away 2 weeks but when he was home he spent every weekend in the pub, came home and was horrible, emotionally abusive, life was awful and I went through hell. He’d be at the pub all day at the weekend, women hanging round him, texting him and I was the ‘idiot girlfriend’ at home with his child.
When I picked my fiance up from the pub it was quite triggering, especially with that woman being there. I tried to explain that but he wasn’t interested. He’s then gone on and said that he’s asked the group chat if they want to go for a curry some night soon and that she might be going too. He said he barely knows her, but yet he’s inviting her for this curry. I asked if she was married etc and he said that she’s single.
I find it so weird. Why would a younger, single woman go for a curry with 3 men who have partners/married?!
I don’t know what think. He never used to do stuff like this. He knows all the stuff I went through with my daughter’s dad but when I mention it he just retaliates with ‘well you’re acting like my ex wife and I’m not going through that again, so if it continues then we’ll have to separate’. He has said he’s not interested in her at all, she’s irrelevant and he wouldn’t want to spoil what we have, but I just don’t get it?
Our dog passed away 2 months ago and I’m still devastated over that. He said last night that I’ve changed since he passed away and that maybe it’s making me more sensitive? I thought that was an odd comment.
Anyway, I’m not happy. He won’t speak calmly about things, any time I try and have a reasonable discussion he talks over me or lectures me, or storms off. I feel like there’s zero empathy there. I don’t mind the going to the football, but I hate everything that goes with it, the drinking, carrying on, and now a random woman!

Can I ask why you’re so focused on this woman and not on your partner’s very obvious red flag behaviour?

I don’t know how to answer that, or if I can. I’ve always been very insecure and had a low opinion of myself and I’ve always had problems with ‘other women’ showing interests in whoever I’ve been seeing at the time. When I saw her I just instantly felt my stress and anxiety levels rise and I felt even worse when he said she was probably going for a curry with them.

“if it continues then we’ll have to separate“

This is the sentence that stood out for me. He may as well have said like it or lump it. This makes it very clear that he doesn’t care what you think or feel.

Yes, this. DH regularly sees the people who sit around him at football socially, and one of them, a woman, has become quite a close friend he sees at other times. The drinking and complete indifference to you are the real problem, OP.

This is the weird thing, he says he barely knows her, so why is she in this group chat and why would he include her in a guy’s curry night. It doesn’t make any sense. He said I mean the world to him and she means nothing, again, my head is going over and over what he’s saying as it doesn’t add up. He just refuses to try and see it fro my perspective.

Think maybe why you are subjecting your child to this?

You're fixating on a woman; for all you know she could be LGBTQ, could be lifetime single by choice, could be anything - thats not the point, simply put she's a football fan who is involved in this group NOT BECAUSE SHE FANCIES YOUR partner but because she is a football fan. Women football fans do exist, they don't just spend a fortune in time and effort going to loads of football matches in order to get close too and eventually steal other women's blokes. If she a season ticket holder, at all the home and away games, she isn't after your bloke. Stop being a misogynist cow thinking she has no right to be in the "mans" group.

Your attention is wholly diverted because a person with breasts is in the group instead of focusing on the numerous red flags exhibited by your partner. You might not have sussed it yet but he's not that much of a catch. Stop fixating on her and focus on him.

I'm not repeating what everyone else has said but in essence your relationship is dead in the water. He no longer gives your relationship any gravitas, youre second fiddle to the football, and all that surrounds it. You're not longer his first thought, his first consideration, there isn't a "what are WE doing this weekend" - thats replaced by what games are in this weekend, what away matches... oh the seasons finished til August - well it starts again in August, what are you going to do? He will be just as bad or not worse next season, question is - is that your life now.

Not to forget this little nugget - “if it continues then we’ll have to separate“

I take your point but calling me a misogynist cow is pretty unnecessary, you don’t know me!!!

I don't think the problem is the football or the drinking on their own the problem is he is not priorutising you and your family unit. I don't think he really wants that yet tbh. I think it would be best to cut your losses op sadly x

I’m sorry but he is a complete and utter loser.

Supporting a football team can be an enjoyable past time but he’s now sunk into the pub culture and meeting up with riff raff to get drunk.

Terribly unappealing and perfectly understandable that you want to extricate yourself from having a relationship with him.

Maybe we can come to some kind of compromise

Oh OP. What compromise would you find acceptable?

There generally isn't a compromise where drink is concerned.

People who think it's acceptable to drink at 8am (for whatever reason or excuse they come up with) are not in control of their drinking. If they're not alcoholics they're well on the way to being so.

I think you should split up. You've been together a long time and he isn't paying attention to your distress.

The random woman would bother me, too.

There is a lot to untangle here as you are both being overly sensitive due to past relationships.

He may not be an alcoholic- although I suspect he is a binge drinker. This type of alcoholic can go years without any alcohol but as soon as they have 1 drink, they’re getting rip roaring drunk.

Even if he isn’t an alcoholic, he is one of those people where alcohol makes them mean/sarcastic instead of jolly/fun. For that reason alone, he should stop drinking imho. In answer to the 8am drink before a match vs at the airport before a holiday- there is no difference imho.

The odd woman in the guys group is because it’s a football group. The reason she would tag along is to talk about football with fellow football nerds. I think you see her as a threat because of your past. Perhaps you should go with them for the curry so you can either reassure yourself she is not a threat or find out your gut is not being paranoid.

Your partner is reacting defensively to your concerns because of his past relationship. He feels like you are policing him and trying to control who he is friends with and how much he drinks.

And he isn’t wrong though it’s not you being controlling, you are rightly concerned so he may not realise that you are worried about the drinking from a place of concern both for his health and the fact he becomes a bad version of himself when he has been drinking. If you are drinking at the airport at 8am when going on holiday or a lot on holiday, maybe alcohol is too much in both your lives? Would you & he consider you both going teetotal?

I love football, as do my immediate family and extended family, one of whom used to married to a premiership footballer. It's not about the actual sport, it's about the respect they have for you as a person. The ones who didn't respect their family unit and were finder of alcohol. are now divorced-rest still muddling along nicely.

I would put the wedding plans on hold. You'll either end up a football widow or stuck with an alkie.
My partner also follows a team. He drives to home games and watches away games on tv.
It's possible to follow a team and be sober. It's also possible to not let football ruin family life.

LTB. He’s an alcoholic and he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. That’s not a life partner or a man you want around your DD

The woman is irrelevant here, I think. If you want a simple answer, it sounds to me like she is in the chat because she sits behind them at the football and has become part of their social group. Without wanting to sound patronising, men and women can be and are part of mixed sex social groups based around shared hobbies and interests. I think it’s unhelpfully skewing your thought process to call it a ‘guys’ curry night’ - by virtue of her inclusion, it is just a ‘curry night’. In focusing on this woman, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing and this is probably clouding your conversation with him about the other issues, which I think do matter. Just think of her as being the same as any of the men in the group, unless you get any evidence to the contrary. Your partner’s drinking and recent behaviour, on the other hand, do sound problematic.

I think the issue is the football and how much time its taking up.

I don't think you are in the wrong but I don't 100% think he is either...I just don't think you sound compatible.

Looking at his point...he is socialising with people who share a common interest after a long week at work. He doesn't have any dependents at home (you dont mention any other children other than your daughter?) so there is no reason for him not to enjoy a drink/outing with these football friends

Your point of view...you want a partner to share things with and not have the weekend as a couple a complete write off as he is out drinking with these football friends and all consumed with watching the football. Doesn't leave a lot of couple time.

It sounds like you want different weekends to each other and not sure how it will work for you in the long run