Denying my neurodiversity

[PinataHeeHaw]

I saw my GP about 18 months ago now as I feel I have always been different. I find life difficult in general, coping with work and I have regular breakdowns where things have got too much. As a child I was painfully shy and what some people might call odd.

My GP ran through a series of tests and said they thought I was autistic. I was then referred to see an autism speciist. Im still waiting to see someone. It finally all made sense. Watching a documentary on autism in women and girls presented by Christine McGuinness changed my life as for once in my life I identified with other women and thought, 'wow, that's me'.

I was recently having a conversation and mentioned my autism and the other person said 'you're not autistic'. The conversation went on for a little bit, I was getting increasingly upset and then said about the doctor thinking it's highly likely I was. The person then said, 'the doctor is a fucking liar.' I am so upset. I've been feeling low recently and this has just added to it. I feel so embarrassed that this person thinks I'm a fake.

I was diagnosed as autistic as an adult.
Before then I was under mental health services and I asked my therapist who I had been seeing for years about it. She told me "you dont seem autistic".
So even professionals get it wrong.
The saying is you meet one person with autism, you have met one person with autism. We are all different.
The person you know is probably just thinking of some stereotypical presentation of autism and applying it (or not) to you.

Dont let this asshole put you off finding more out about yourself.

It matters who the person is. My parents are in denial about my brother’s ASD because they blame themselves. If it’s a friend, that’s different.

Women and girls with autism present very differently than men and boys with autism. Many people are only aware of the typical traits shown by the latter.

We are much better at masking neurodiversity than males, which makes us appear to cope better with life and fly under the radar for longer, but we often struggle to cope with life more than we 'should'.

Unless the person you were talking to was a psychiatrist, then their opinion is irrelevant.

But she hasn't been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, only a GP?

I know that hurt, and undermined the time and knowledge you have gained over the 18months along with the acceptable of it all. But remember, some people are f**king idiots who don't know anything. Also, lots of people have the classic male stereotype (because most research has been done on men) idea of autism, which doesn't always apply to women, never mind the vastness of difference when looking at autism.

That person is an idiot and needs to find some manners.

I suppose the one silver lining is, you're very likely have learnt to mask in certain situations. This person sounds very... honest and blunt (idiot). It could be you mask so well around them because they might not be a truly safe person for you.

I was diagnosed as an adult, and plenty of people didn’t believe it, mainly because their knowledge of autism doesn’t extend beyond Rainman.

Ignore the person who said this, they sound ignorant.

Your friend is correct though. You haven’t been diagnosed. Your GP has made a referral but GP’s are in no way specialists. When ( and if) you receive a diagnosis, you can then talk about your autism and if your friend disputes it, she will be wrong. She is not wrong at the moment though. She could maybe have said it in a more sensitive way though.

This is spot on. They're not a safe person. They're judgemental and nasty and put men before me. It's my mother. It's always been the same since I was little so she doesn't even know the real me anyway. Sad isn't it?

I wouod be asking to see their qualification as a relevant health professional and if they can't produce it, ask them what other conditions they are able to diagnose/refute diagnosis of with their skill set.
It can be really hard when you have an invisible disability and someone says to you 'but you look fine'. It makes you question yourself, your diagnosis - which can be really hard to come to terms with in the first place.

GPs are not specialists but neither is OPs friend.

Who is this person? It seems rude and unsupportive of them to dismiss you like that.

I don't think they are correct, either. If they wanted to be factually correct, even though I would think it was still unsupportive, they could say "You don't know if you're autistic" and "Your doctor hasn't diagnosed you".

Calling the doctor a "liar" (let alone a fucking liar) is bizarre when the doctor has expressed an opinion, not presented something as fact.

And why does this person think they have the authority to declare you not autistic, presumably they aren't a specialist running a full assessment?

It's rude. Putting their own personal views on ND over the top of being a supportive friend. A friend would listen and sympathise with your difficulties and worries, even if they didn't think that autism was a likely answer.

You know when you've always known you weren't like everyone else and felt like a complete weirdo? When I watched that documentary something just clicked. My best friend also was adamant I was autistic and so pushed me to see a GP to be able to start making sense of things.

People with autism, especially women, often mask in front of others. Just because others don't see the typical traits they associate with autism, doesn't mean you don't have autism. Ot is a spectrum and impacts people in different ways.

I’ve been telling my elderly mum that a good number of my fantastic nieces nephews have adhd or asd and for years my mum has rubbished and dismissed what I’ve said despite seeing all the difficulties the kids have faced day to day. Kids are now all young adults and all diagnosed. I suspect a mixture of elderly age, lack of relative experience and normalising behaviours, kids masking made it harder to spot.

Let me guess, it was your sister who made that insensitive and rude comment?

Try not to be upset, be glad you're not the person who thinks it's ok to speak like that.

Wishing you all the best OP. One step at a time.

I'm sorry your mum reacted that way. As she's never been supportive (from the little you've said about her) I would stop sharing stuff like that with her.

I'm likely autistic (no diagnosis although I started the process but didn't complete my forms) and I know my remaining parent would deny it, though not as nastily. He'd see it as a slight on his parenting- my parents were outgoing and just despaired of their anxious and shy daughter.

Keep going with the process, I'm glad you do have a supportive friend

I knew it would be your mother before I read your post where you said it was. I would go for an autism assessment if you can, my friend went for one and didn’t have to wait very long on the NHS.
the only thing was she had to fill in a questionnaire dating back to when she was born, which might be tricky with your mums attitude.

Hi op. I'm late diagnosed. Just to say, when you get a diagnosis there could still be some ignorant and dismissive people mumbling about the high rate of diagnoses these days or that you are attention seeking. I never know when to raise it.

It’s ignorance. People can mask their issues so no one knows. It’s possible she was try to make you feel better (as though autism is a problem. But I would reply “you don’t know me very well then!”

Oh her mother, I missed that post.

When I first broached the subject with my Mum she was like absolutely not, no chance, no way and shut the conversation down, didn’t want to discuss it. She just needed time to get her head around it I think. She then watched some documentaries - she phoned me after watching one Chris Packham did and said I think you could well be autistic. She wrote pages and pages of examples from my childhood for the assessment.

Obviously your Mum is not my Mum but I guess what I’m saying is give it time, it can be a lot for someone to take in - particularly a parent.

Your mum is probably revealing that she only has knowledge of severe autism. Uneducated/inexperienced and especially older generations can know very little about neurodiversity and often deny they exist or “we r all a little bit autistic” etc.
you don’t need your mum to validate what you already know yourself.
to be accepted for diagnosis you have to meet a minimum criteria of symptoms /traits, so it is very likely that you are.
I suggest that you DO NOT ask your mum to complete the historical questionnaire that will need to be completed as part of the assessment?, do you have another relative /family friend who would be able to recall your early childhood? Do you have your school reports from aged 5?
My parents were disbelieving of my sons ADHD/ASD but they do think is he is very “lively and doesn’t know when to stop” they don’t like family meals (because he doesn’t sit still) . Pretty sure they think it is my parenting skills despite sibling being opposite in behaviours. They would likely describe autism and ADHD as people who are alway out of control, violent, non-verbal, constant stimming, poor intellect.

It's just how it is OP.

Some of us are grumpy old sods and don't really believe in all these diagnoses. I personally think autism and ADHD are well over diagnosed. I've got a friend that apparently has both. In my opinion she doesn't have either.

I try and be supportive but I think my views seep through and we r distancing from each other a bit. That's just life. She great but we r different people now to when we met. She's into embracing the ADHD. Autism identity, reading up on it all, talking about it all the time, identifying with it etc... that's cool but not my bag. We r different now so fine to go our separate ways. When we met we bonded over our kids, our.interests, our humour. Now she wants to bond over her new identity etc.. which is fine, but it's going to take her to new people and our own friendship is changing and moving in different directions now and that's ok!

Thing is, I like this person and don't want her to give a damn what I think. If she's happy, then good for her. If you r happy then good for you! Don't listen to people like me. We have our opinions, you have yours. The diagnosis works for you, so go with it and just ignore people who don't agree. We honestly aren't with it! But don't try and change our mind or wish things were different. You believe what you believe, others believe differently

But you'll meet more people that don't really gel with the whole diagnosis thing, so you need to toughen up and ignore us and don't take our views personally.

Some people are into diagnosis, some aren't. That's fine. You do you and don't let anyone else get to you. Just ignore and move on...

Everyone has their urn limitations, foibles and blind spots. Try to accept her as she is she find a way of managing that, rather than expecting her to be something different. If that means sharing some aspects of your adult life with her and not others, so be it.

So sorry to hear that. I think take the silver lining that you know your mum isn't the right person to share things with and keep her at arms length. You know how you feel and your personal experiences. I hope you find some support and guidance with a diagnosis and that understanding of yourself continues to grow.