Denying my neurodiversity

[PinataHeeHaw]

I saw my GP about 18 months ago now as I feel I have always been different. I find life difficult in general, coping with work and I have regular breakdowns where things have got too much. As a child I was painfully shy and what some people might call odd.

My GP ran through a series of tests and said they thought I was autistic. I was then referred to see an autism speciist. Im still waiting to see someone. It finally all made sense. Watching a documentary on autism in women and girls presented by Christine McGuinness changed my life as for once in my life I identified with other women and thought, 'wow, that's me'.

I was recently having a conversation and mentioned my autism and the other person said 'you're not autistic'. The conversation went on for a little bit, I was getting increasingly upset and then said about the doctor thinking it's highly likely I was. The person then said, 'the doctor is a fucking liar.' I am so upset. I've been feeling low recently and this has just added to it. I feel so embarrassed that this person thinks I'm a fake.

@hedgerunner I mentioned them because they’re also what OP mentioned in her post - I wasn’t implying that’s all you need to be diagnosed, I was saying that those issues in themselves aren’t enough as they’re fairly common. Obviously OP’s doctor will know more than what she shared here.

Yeah, in my experience, people will still do that even after you have confirmation through assessment.

My response was, “Thanks for your feedback, but I think I’ll stick with what the multi disciplinary panel of experts said, given that retail managers like yourself are not qualified to diagnose.”

Seems to have shut them up.

To be honest this other person might also have issues if they’re so offended by someone else’s health, have such little empathy, and engage in offensive outbursts.

It’s hard when it’s your mum, but I think the best you can do is put a bit of distance between the two of you. You say you’ve never been a priority to her. Time to recognise that her opinion of you doesn’t matter. She doesn’t appear to be interested in who you are, just in forcing you to fit into the mould she has decided on for you. I wouldn’t bother mentioning it to her again. Good luck pursuing your diagnosis, I hope you get the answers and support you are looking for.

I've noticed often when talking about neurodivergence that often the bigger critics are those who have many traits themselves.

DS is diagnosed. As is a cousin. And I suspect that many of the older male relatives in that side of the family are undiagnosed. While DH accepts DS's diagnosis, there is still a level of minimising and while I don't think DH has enough traits to meet diagnostic thresholds, having grown up with his brothers and uncles that probably would, autistic thinking and traits are DH's socially normal range. He also works in a sector attractive to high functioning autistic males. His experience level of unequivically NT people is rather low to be able to compare and register the full impact that DS's autism has upon him.

To feel traits strongly enough to go to a GP and the GP to take them seriously enough to refer more often than not means that there is a diagnosable condition there and the question is more likely is this the correct condition than is there a condition. People are more likely to minimise than over emphisise.

People think they know about autism but they don’t, if you feel it is right and explains things and gives you comfort that is what matters, you need to cut this person from your life

There are several possible reasons why parents may be very likely to deny neurodiversity in their adult children.

1. They've just got used to how you are as an individual, and they can't see things which may be obvious to an outsider.
2. They want their kids to be "normal."
3. They think that it would be some kind of criticism of their parenting - they failed by not spotting it themselves and getting you help.
4. They have quite a few neurodiverse people in their extended family, so their definition of "normal" is not, erm, normal. (Very likely, because neurodiversity often runs in families.)
5. They may well be neurodiverse themselves (again, very likely), and they assume that this is how everybody is.

I understand that it's upsetting when your mum says stuff like this. But there are all these possible factors to consider. Plus she probably doesn't know much about autism (most people don't).

As a previous poster pointed out, an autism assessment involves some questions going right back into your childhood, even babyhood and birth. However, it's still possible to have an assessment without a parent's input. (Otherwise nobody would be able to be assessed if their parents had passed away!). In my case, I had childhood memories, and also school reports and a "baby book" with some notes on my early development. You probably already know enough about your childhood, even if you don't have the school reports etc. And you may be able to ask your mother things which aren't necessarily associated in her mind with autism, e.g. what toys you liked to play with. (Or you may remember those things yourself!)

I know how you feel; the bit in between a formal diagnosis and being self diagnosed (with professional help) I struggled to get a trained NHS psychologist to take me seriously and diagnose me. I went to an Autism charity and got a private diagnosis.

Some people do not know autism; definitely not in women, opposed to young boys. The Oliver McGowan training (I am a lived ambassador co-trainer), is trying to bring some understanding.

Ignore this person.

They do not know what and how you feel inside. They do not properly understand the challenges you have faced. They are not your doctor. They also sound like they don't understand autism.

Some people have a very outdated view of what autism is and think in extremes.

Continue down the path towards diagnosis and ignore them.

Reading the posts it sounds like OP's mother is not very supportive in general and it has little to do with her views on autism. General advice on managing difficult relationships (navigating conversations, boundaries, avoiding getting into discussions such as the one that prompted the first post) would be more helpful for OP than an argument for and against ND on this thread.

@Agix not everyone is unsuccessful or needs special accommodations by default when being NT though

I don't have to agree with the OP! I don't agree with the psychiatrist. Psychiatrist's aren't gods! Diagnoses are constructs. Lots of cultures don't have these diagnoses. They are, in my opinion, just labels for traits, and labels that are very much over-given!

It's my view. The OP and you are entitled to disagree.

My post was simply saying that if you don't agree with me, it's fine! Just ignore me and move on and don't let my views get to you. I'm not changing my views though! Why should I!

Try not to let it get to you also try not to get too invested in a diagnosis until you see the specialist. Also you don't need to share what you suspect with others who won't be supportive and perhaps be aware that not everyone will be be prepared to validate you, especially if you don't yet have an official diagnosis. I am also ND and have a neurological disorder I'm under a consultant for that family members dismiss as rubbish, I can't control what anyone else thinks. The information I have about myself and my diagnosis is for my benefit.