Cancelling day out due to behaviour

[Sunshine1996]

4.5 year old DD has had a huge meltdown this morning. She generally is very easy going however every now and again her temper gets quite out of control at the click of a finger.
She couldn’t find something and looked downstairs and was upset when she couldn’t find it, I found it and called her upstairs. When I showed to her she just went ballistic. Screaming and crying, I tried to speak to her calmly to see what was wrong however she continued to scream and tried to lash out at me. I walked out of her room and left the door open and said I was going to come back when she was ready. There is garland round her bed and she’s completely destroyed it.
My mum is meant to be looking after my youngest and I was due to take DD to the cinema. Shall I cancel the day out or AIBU?

Interesting contradiction in the comments. Folks talking about a 4 year old brain not being developed (which I agree with) then saying to sit them down and explain/discuss the situation. Nope. They can’t process that either! It’s amygdalal hijack. And sometimes removing yourself from the situation is the right thing to do. I wouldn’t take my child on a treat if they’d behaved like this. But I’d make sure to talk with them to try strategies. I’ve found breathing exercises and verbalising emotions useful.

Some children are inherently more difficult to parent than others. Basically any strategy works with easy kids as long as it's implemented consistently and fairly.

But some children just don't play ball. Parents often have other children who are easy. They have often tried every strategy.

A tricky child will already be tricky at 4. Many mumsnetters- the ones with easy kids - can't believe that one of the strategies, like cancelling the trip, won't work.

Anyway, this is why I wouldn't recommend cancelling this trip. You can end up constantly punishing, constantly removing stuff, stuck indoors as you've cancelled yet another trip, thinking you are going to eventually see a break through.

And chances are a different approach is needed.

I was tearing my hair out with my younger daughter when she was 4. She was diagnosed with aand PDA at 7. I had no idea. I could have removed stuff til the cows came home and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference.

nice bit of reading comprehension.

I was the one commenting on how a 4 year olds brain isn't developed.
And I said that after, once calm, you can talk about it in simple terms.
When you were angry you hit mummy and it hurt.
That is fine for a 4 year old, and they do need to know it.
or when you were angry you broke your toy and now it is broken, so we have to thrwo it away.
Simple language, simple explanation showing the consequences.

Once they are calm again, they can see what happened.
Punishment? no, because they could not help it.
But there is nothing wrong in showing the consequences.

Of course you also need to find strategies which work to head off the melt down.
For my youngest when I could see she was getting upset about something that appeared to be minor, I finally learnt that what she needed was a firm hug. I would sit down, gather her onto my lap and hold her while she calmed down. The issue was never the thing she was getting upset about.
eg she wouldn't put on her socks for school.
The issue was that she struggled to transition from home to school. Melt downs over socks, then tears in the playground etc etc. If I stopped and gave her that deep hug, we usually managed to get to school without further tears.

Totally up to you. This is normal behaviour for 4 y/os at times and it's good to have consequences to teach them it's not appropriate, but that consequence is up to you.

For me, I find the best punishment is to send them to bed early. This way I don't have to cancel plans with them that I actually want to do, I can explain it as "If you're acting this naughty, you must really need some extra rest," and it gives me a bit more kid free time at the end of the day. Plus it's the ultimate punishment having to go to bed an hour early from their point of view. Win x4.

Also, if they complain they're not tired, they're allowed to read in bed if they want after tuck in time, so they're either sleeping or reading/looking at books. Ultimate parent hack that can be pulled out at any time. Won't get up for school? You must be tired. Not listening? You must have tired ears. Tantruming? You must be exhausted. Sassing me? You must need sleep. lol

Consequences are supposed to be immediate and relevant so I don't see how sending a child to bed early hours later fits either of these criteria. And you are setting up a long lasting connection of bed with punishment. Plus the child is left alone to deal with everything on their own, setting up a problematic method of dealing with trouble for the future.

You should not take her. Even if you give a few quick chores to earn it back, you'll be rewarding bad behavior. Even though she is four, she is still capable of learning that actions have consequences. I have two special needs kids and even they learned that lesson at 4.

I would tell her she is obviously tired & she needs to be better to go to the cinema, & you will go when she is calm. As you need to be well behaved in the cinema, & its clear she has not been.
I would also remove the garland & explain to her it wont be replaced as she doesn’t appreciate it.

This was posted last month and OP hasn’t come back which is a shame when pp have given time and thought to posting