Cancelling day out due to behaviour

[Sunshine1996]

4.5 year old DD has had a huge meltdown this morning. She generally is very easy going however every now and again her temper gets quite out of control at the click of a finger.
She couldn’t find something and looked downstairs and was upset when she couldn’t find it, I found it and called her upstairs. When I showed to her she just went ballistic. Screaming and crying, I tried to speak to her calmly to see what was wrong however she continued to scream and tried to lash out at me. I walked out of her room and left the door open and said I was going to come back when she was ready. There is garland round her bed and she’s completely destroyed it.
My mum is meant to be looking after my youngest and I was due to take DD to the cinema. Shall I cancel the day out or AIBU?

Different kids need different things - but in the OP's case walking out resulted in destructive behaviour which seems like an escalation.

I agree about appropriate release of emotions, much more helpful long term than suppression.

Not immediately showing your every feeling is actually entirely appropriate for adults!

And in some cases releasing your every feeling as an adult could put you in a police cell and get you a criminal record.

She's 4! Use it as a chance to talk to her, explain how to manage her emotions, she was obviously feeling overwhelmed. Cancelling her trip teaches her nothing, she's not learning a skill. If she was bad at say, football, would she learn how to shoot better if you threatened to cancel the cinema every time she missed the goal? Emotional regulation is a skill set (one we even struggle with as adults - hands up if you've shouted at the kids this half term), teach her some skills for next time, explain that we all get frustrated but it's not ok for that to come out as shouting/screaming/throwing, explain a better way for it to come out. If you do cancel the trip, at least fill in the gap with some time together working on these things (colour monster, feelings jars, candle breathing etc)

Obviously you don’t know the full back story but I have never, ever taught my child to suppress their feelings nor would I, I agree that this is wrong. But there is absolutely a difference between suppressing a child’s feelings and letting them be vile and sassy towards you without any repercussions, so I stick by what I originally said. I’m not allowing my child to be awful to me then treating them to a day at the cinema with popcorn! Sorry if that sounds harsh to you but what sort of adult would they become then?!

Gosh it's so incredibly hard but please take her.
When she's calm maybe at cinema talk to her about her feelings and what she could do next time and how it's not ok to break stuff etc.
The best thing to do would be to have a good bonding time and talk to her when calm

@Lucythesquirrel it' feels counter intuitive but as pp said emotional regulation is a skill and it's on going

This!

Don't go down the cancelling things route. It has nothing to do with what happened and it means you don't get to go out either. Some kids are anxious about going out and will sabotage plans and be quite happy the trip is off.

All the terrible parents who indulge their precious little angels will be making excuses for you to ignore her bad behaviour. Ignore them. Cancel the day out. Bad behaviour needs consequences, and kids are never too young to learn that lesson.

And reading these comments is why society if fucked, ofcourse you should not take her to the cinema, she went off the rails and should not be rewarded for it.

OK she had a meltdown and destroyed something so no she had to learn actions have consequences (something people now seem to forget) it's sad, it's tough but she'll get over it but by not taking her maybe she will thing twice next time.

She's 4!!

and reading your and others comments makes me really sad, because it shows how much we simply do not understand children. Stop treating them like mini adults.
I was a strict parent, and tough on bad behaviour.. But I also understood the difference between a temper tantrum, where the child is misbehaving, and an emotional melt down, where something has triggered a distress response. And the trigger can be something 'insignificant' and is often not the real issue.

A child in emotional melt down is physically incapable of stopping by choice. Their brain is being flooded by hormones and they need help from someone else to regulate what is going on. That will vary child to child, some need space, some need to be held/hugged, some need you to just be with them while they calm down.

For those saying that adults have to control their emotions and they need to learn, you'd get arrested for that behaviour as an adult etc etc, yet again, it is simply not understanding the physical difference between the brain of a child and the brain of an adult.
An adult's brain has a fully formed frontal cortext. The decision making part of their brain is able to override the parts of the brain reacting emotionally to an event. Their fully formed brain can make a choice to hold on to the emotion and not express it. A child cannot do that, a child's brain is not fully formed, and when the emotion hits the brain is overwhelemed and the emotion takes over.

As parents we need to help the child to calm down, and get back to a place of regulation and then we can talk to them about what happened. (eg you hit your sister, so now the consequence is) and help them to begin to see what they can do when they feel that way (when you are angry you can hit a pillow) but it is an 18 year long process, and we need to have age appropriate expectations.

'Punishments' rarely work. Consequences do.
But building positive things into your relationship is also essential, so if this is the only time you can take them out 1:1, then don't give it up. You and your child need that too.

Personally I would cancel it but I’ll be in the minority.

This. Ffs adults should have control over their emotions.

op, she might be so wound up because you are going out. Dont punish her for it. Be calm.

I'd bring back the death penalty for her I think. Some time in the village stocks at least.

Four and a half is plenty old enough to have full, extensive insight into one's emotional responses and the consequences of one's actions.....

Spare the rod and spoil the child......

She’s 4. She’s had big emotions and was struggling to control them which is completely normal. We all have bad days.

To not take her the cinema as a punishment is completely unrelated and she will learn nothing from it other than you didn’t help her work through it.

It’s hard to move past that dated Supernanny advice but please try.

Just to be clear, no I wouldn't cancel it. It's weird because I often think posters on here infantilism their children, yet here we have people advocating treating four and a half (which is really VERY young) like a much older child.

At this age, consequences need to be immediate and proportionate. Once she is calm enough to listen, something like a time out possibly if she hurt you when she lashed out. Most important is to talk to her about not doing it again, explain you are hurt, other ways to manage emotions.....

Cancellation of a whole day out is a massive consequence for such a small child......

I would too but I would give her the chance to earn the treat back for the next day (provided OP has the day off work) with good behaviour and being helpful round the house, doing some age appropriate chores.

She's 4! What age appropriate chores are 4 year olds doing?

There are plenty of age appropriate chores for a 4 year old (and even younger). Tidy up time started as soon as they could walk for mine. A 4 year old could be asked to dust for example. (They don't need to be able to do it to an adult standard but it is something they can do - and which can be done again without them realising). There is a younger sibling being looked after by OP's mum while they fo. She can fetch changing bags for a change and dispose of nappy etc.

I agree with cancelling today but being able to "earn it back" either with chores or by demonstrating good behaviour for period of time.

Pairing socks, folding towels, tidying away toys, making a bed, change water in a pet bowl if relevant, helping put things in cupboards. There is plenty. Then there is the opportunity for praise and she can earn the treat back.

These are all things you do with an adult - it's not exactly a chore set up as a quasi punishment, is it?

Well, indeed an adult can help. That in a way makes it nicer - a project worked on together, but the kid will have the sensation she is helping at least (even if it would have been quicker for the adult to do it alone, as @Spirallingdownwards says).

But then it's not a punishment! Nor a reconciliation gesture. It's everyday life - as it should be.

I just don't think you can punish a 4 year old with chores.