How would you feel about this?

[taratill]

Long story short I've been a bit of a mug.

Friend has been struggling financially, I had a way of booking a reasonably cheap but fairly niche break which she wanted to do. I checked she definitely wanted to do it before putting it on my credit card.

I get a message this morning to say she has had an unexpected bill and can't do it any more, sorry. I'm now lumped with the price of a niche break that no one else is going to particularly want to do. I don't really want to go alone either.

I've said I think that this is unfair. Just got a 'sorry' back.

Just want to vent really.

What would you do, other than cut this person off and/ or never pay for anything upfront again? For context I've known them 20 years. I half wonder if she's expecting me to say I've paid for it and I'll take her for free.

You pushed ahead booking it knowing full well she was struggling financially so it was a risk from the start.

I know you said you’ve told her it’s not fair that you should be out of pocket but have you actually told her she still has to repay the money?
Its a lot harder to outright refuse to pay if someone makes a direct request, so if you haven’t, send her a message (or better still call her) and state clearly that you will still need the £400 so could she please let you know how she intends to pay.

I’d just say to her I don’t know where I’m going to get this £400 from now but please don’t ask me to book anything like this again. It isn’t fair to leave me out of pocket like this and I won’t be doing it again. If I’d had something a little more empathetic than just ‘sorry’ I might have felt differently about the predicament this puts me in. I was trying to do you a favour.

Your friendship is worth less than £400 to her OP. Might have been worth the £400 to find this out.

Wow. This is not your friend, and she clearly has no morals or empathy. Ask her to pay back in instalments if you can be bothered/need the money, then avoid all further contact. Nobody needs shit like her in their life.

A camper van trip abroad isn't so niche that another friend could come instead or did you mean you were doing something niche when you got there?

There is no acceptable excuse for screwing your friend over and leaving her with the bill!

The very least she should have done is offer to pay OP back in instalments.

I would go back and say you talked about this before you booked and she agreed to pay and go

You will accept repayments if £x per month and still expect her to pay up and go

Is she still refuses then it would be the end of the friendship and I would take her to small claims court

Hiwever for me lesson learnt. I would not be booking anything now unless I had the money up front

I’ll come with you @taratill! 😆

It shouldn't come as a complete surprise that people with financial issues are... irresponsible with finances. It's also odd that you would decide to drop a chunk of money on someone who's recently been struggling with money. My rule with this sort of thing is: 1. to give money but never lend it and 2. never spend expecting to get back. Sorry, I know that doesn't help right now.

I think you need to find out exactly what is going on, after 20 years of friendship, this all seems very off. Before you start remonstrating, make sure you've got all the facts, and have at least seen her in person to talk it out. She could be really upset and embarrassed, things might be way worse than you thought and she's in real trouble.

Right so update, I've been able to cancel most of it. Initially I thought that the crossing was non - refundable so that's a massive relief. So I'm now only out of pocket by an admin fee of around 7 euros.

I texted her to say that and got this response -

'oh taratill, thank you for sorting the refund out. I'm so glad you got your money back. I feel so much better. I hate feeling like I've let people down and wouldn't want it to affect our friendship'.

So immediate problem solved.

But do think less of her now though as clearly she didn't think she owed me half if she pulled out.

This is despite the fact that she was the one who 'needed this break' and we had agreed 50% each and I'd double checked before making the payment.

Lesson learnt.

As for her being hard up, she really isn't. She was looking to purchase a bespoke piece of art work last week for over £200, I'd be interested to know if she actually made that purchase.

That reply would piss me off because it suggests that she had no intention of trying to pay you pack.

Glad you've got your money back though and now you can think about the friendship and what I want to do.

If there is one thing I have learnt from Mumsnet, it is never, ever pay for someone else's share of a holiday before they have given you the money.

Me too @SwanOfThoseThings !

Or if you’re a risk taker and can afford to risk your money, get the person’s written agreement (text or email) to pay a stated sum as their share, for the specific thing, to be paid by a specific date. Which would be evidence for a small claims court claim.

OP I would respond that while you’re relieved not to have to lose money and seek her share from her, your thoughts and feelings about her as a friend have changed due to her actions.

She’s walking all over you OP, I’d ditch this chancer now.

I would reply with sorry you can't make it. Obviously I'm not going to go on my own given it was your idea! It's cost £400 so if you like you can send me £50 a month for eight months. There's no way I can pay for this when I'm not even getting the holiday.

She’s a dick.

I was going to say perhaps try saying to her ‘I’ve paid for it so come along for free’. That would’ve given you an answer as to your friendship.

but I’ve just seen your last update.

If you know she’s had an extension and you know she’s looking at artwork, she isn’t hard up and I think this is on your for offering to pay for it without getting her half up front. That was your silly mistake.

i wouldn’t drop her for this but going forward I’d learn from this and be more wary.

I think I would say “I too am relieved that I was able to get a refund. But I am upset to know that had it not been possible you would have left me with the whole cost. That is more upsetting than the loss of money, to be honest. I am very sorry that we are unable to go to xxxx and sad that you were prepared to pull out and leave me with the bill”

Or did she genuinely think that you would have gone on your own in the first place and her coming along was a way to spread the cost for you?

Absolute chancer. Someone who's hard up doesn't spend £200 on artwork. And a real friend doesn't just shrug and say 'sorry' when they owe you £400. Don't make any plans with her or spend any money on her behalf ever again. In fact don't go out with her as she clearly thinks you're good to pick up the bill when she doesn't fancy it. I would be saying that to her. Glad you at least managed to cancel and avoid losing it all.

This exactly. I mean, I know my friends well and I know they will always pay up but still, I never book anything until their share of the money is in my account.

This is weird. A 20 year friendship and yet you seem to dislike her. I get she hasn't behaved well here but it's one incident in 20 years. Can't be the first time she's been a bit selfish and inconsiderate so why risk being out of pocket to her? And why did the OP begin by saying she was struggling financially but now she definitely isn't hard up at all, just selfish and a spendthrift?

I'm glad it's sorted anyway, though sadly it seems it might be the end of the friendship as well.

Glad you've not been too hit fiancially - you've learnt a valuable lesson about her. She is all about: me, myself and I.

Also, she might have found £400 suddenly a bit much - but then dropping out leaves the OP with double that. She's a cheeky cow and I wouldn't consider her a friend. It's even worse that she's not exactly hard up - just decided she's rather not pay to go. That's no friend.