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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

73 replies

taratill · 27/05/2025 10:16

Long story short I've been a bit of a mug.

Friend has been struggling financially, I had a way of booking a reasonably cheap but fairly niche break which she wanted to do. I checked she definitely wanted to do it before putting it on my credit card.

I get a message this morning to say she has had an unexpected bill and can't do it any more, sorry. I'm now lumped with the price of a niche break that no one else is going to particularly want to do. I don't really want to go alone either.

I've said I think that this is unfair. Just got a 'sorry' back.

Just want to vent really.

What would you do, other than cut this person off and/ or never pay for anything upfront again? For context I've known them 20 years. I half wonder if she's expecting me to say I've paid for it and I'll take her for free.

OP posts:
Original poster
taratill · 27/05/2025 11:01

verycloakanddaggers · 27/05/2025 11:00

And what is she usually like with money with you?

It seems a weird situation to suddenly have with someone you've known 20 years. If she's usually fine with money, something must have changed.

Show quote history

There's never been an issue, but we've never had a big spend before.

OP posts:
Original poster
taratill · 27/05/2025 11:02

cherrycola66 · 27/05/2025 11:00

It could be she would feel rude or cheeky asking to pay in instalments, maybe bring it up to her and say you’re willing to let her pay over a few months

It's more rude and cheeky not to offer to pay back in instalments when she knows I've paid for it in my opinion.

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 27/05/2025 11:03

You need to be honest and tell her she caught you off guard, be amicable, as it's non refundable and was a holiday that no other friends are interested in she'll need to pay you back.

You'll get resentful if it's left, rightly so, and your friend will look upon you as a push over.

Their answer will be my guild of where this friendship is going.

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 27/05/2025 11:03

You tell her sorry isn’t good enough and you can’t afford to lose £400 either. You’re happy for her to pay you back in instalments but pay you back she will or your friendship is over. Friends don’t treat each other like that.

verycloakanddaggers · 27/05/2025 11:09

taratill · 27/05/2025 11:01

There's never been an issue, but we've never had a big spend before.

Show quote history

It seems very strange after a long friendship.

I don't think you can get the money back. I'd look for someone else to go with.

You could try a proper conversation with her before writing it off.

657904I · 27/05/2025 11:09

you’re in the wrong here because your first sentence is that she is struggling financially. The writing was therefore on the wall.

If she’s financially struggling, she was always going to prioritise other outgoings than a £400 trip because she’s not flush with cash. She was being reckless and you didn’t think it through.

So for you to have gone ahead and put this on your credit card…you need to take a bit of responsibility here. You should have had a bit of tough love or a contingency plan in place.

Anyway not all may be lost - there may be elements you can cancel, rebook or sell on so that you’re not totally out of pocket.

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 27/05/2025 11:25

I think the key issue is : did she ask you to pay, and was it made clear that she would pay you back? Or did she think oh well the van is free so the rest would be covered by you.

I'm be very salty about this. And no way would I let her go for free - because this would set a precedent in terms of how she treats you.
I'd give her the cold shoulder and if she asks you to something or how you are. I'd say I've had a big bill - because you have.
I'd try and go with another friend.

I have a friend who always saying she is skint, and can I pay for meals out and she;ll pay me back - which she does always. But she's not skint - she just chooses to have a new BMW, nails done, big house. So at the end of the month ther;s nothing left. I think she'd love me to pay for things for her - but I won't. I'm more careful with my money.
Leaving you with a bill is a scummy thing to do, and I bet she has got the bill really.

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 27/05/2025 11:26

I meant 'money' not bill. I'd take inspo from Tony Soprano's attitudes to friend who don;t pay up (joking)

Original poster
taratill · 27/05/2025 11:44

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 27/05/2025 11:26

I meant 'money' not bill. I'd take inspo from Tony Soprano's attitudes to friend who don;t pay up (joking)

I love your username, and the Sopranos.

We did talk about cost and payment before I booked it.

OP posts:
GasPanic · 27/05/2025 11:59

I don't think she places a high value on keeping your friendship.

No one can realistically expect someone else to take on the burden of payment in this instance, unless a) they are a real cf or b) they are completely detached from reality. You need neither in your life.

I would just do the holiday on my own, find someone else or at worst just don't go.

But any way you look at it your friendship is finished. To her your 20 year friendship is worth less than a few hundred quid.

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 27/05/2025 15:36

Hi.
Well - In these circs - I would think - would I treat a friend like she's treating you? And the answer is :no.
At a mimumum, I would not ever pre-book anything with her again. I'm afriad she's treating you very shabby. She should know her finances, and if it was near to the bone said- I can't come - before it was booked. I'm have to avoid her for a bit, as I'd be very cross. I'd probably send a message like: 'So, now I'm £400 down with a big bill too - thanks.'

doodleschnoodle · 27/05/2025 17:01

‘Hi X. Unfortunately I’ve already paid for x, as we discussed and agreed, and I can’t afford to cover your half - I’m already going to lose my own money as I won’t be taking the trip solo. Your share comes to £400 - my bank details are Y. Hope situation improves for you soon.’

Slackbladder22 · 27/05/2025 17:12

user2848502016 · 27/05/2025 10:23

Tell her you’ve booked it and it’s not refundable so she still owes you half! An unexpected bill is a shit excuse, can’t believe she thinks it’s ok to do that to you.

I would probably go alone anyway so you get something out of it.

How on earth is an unexpected bill a shit excuse? If she can’t afford it she can’t afford it

Womblingmerrily · 27/05/2025 17:14

I think this is on you. You knew she was struggling financially and yet you still went ahead and booked it.

Also, if you want to go, go on your own or offer it as a freebee to someone else if you're actually stuck paying for it (if you were a nicer person than me it could even be her but I would feel that I'd been taken for a mug if I did this)

2024onwardsandup · 27/05/2025 17:16

B1anche · 27/05/2025 10:21

Could you suggest she pays in installments or something? It's annoying but if she hasn't got the money, she hasn't got the money.

It seems a small thing to cut her off for.

Are you serious? She’s ripped the OP off - it’s appalling behaviour.

OP I’d insist she paid.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/05/2025 17:20

Did u check she both wanted to do it, and was happy for you to book it, at the cost indicated, before you booked it. ? Give she is struggling financially, did she and you talk about how she would pay you back once you'd booked it? For me uts all about context and if uoud done the above, I'd be very annoyed. If uou booked it without really gettkgn her agreement to go ahead and book, and the price, I think upu acted too hastily. You may have to cancel and forgot the cost of cancellation and learn a painful lesson
As for friendship ... needs discussing in person not text.. why yes and then no..and what does she rhink is way forward if she had agreed costs and for you to book holiday

B1anche · 27/05/2025 17:22

2024onwardsandup · 27/05/2025 17:16

Are you serious? She’s ripped the OP off - it’s appalling behaviour.

OP I’d insist she paid.

Show quote history

Well she's not ripped the OP off because she's not actually gained anything. They've been friends for 20 years so presumably nothing like this has happened before. The OP states that the friend has been having financial difficulties, so it was a bit risky to pay before agreeing how and when she would be repaid.

winter8090 · 27/05/2025 17:23

TeenLifeMum · 27/05/2025 10:23

I’d say “we’ll work out a payment plan as the money is spent and non refundable, so big bill or not, you still owe me.”

Did she know how much it was before you booked it and the timing of the payments!
if so definitely respond as above.

MoominMai · 27/05/2025 17:25

@taratill i agree with those PP saying she needs to not get away with this and repay it. It’s not like she’s in dire straits and in a homeless shelter or some such. With effort and descipline on her part there should be a way to repay you. So I would make up a budget plan (perhaps using ChatGPT) and give her a ready made repayment plan and work with her to adjust the figures to something mutually agreeable. Tell her you’re hurt but trying to be supportive and so instead of demanding money back in a lump sum you’ve done this for her and then take it from there. If she refuses I believe there may be ways to legally escalate (which even if you don’t want to do you could use as leverage to get her to comply perhaps).

Gundogday · 27/05/2025 17:25

Take the initiative. Message her and explain that you’re unable to get a refund, and she still owes you for the cost. If she can’t pay upfront, you’re willing to have 4x £100 instalments.

MaybeBabyOneMoreTime · 27/05/2025 17:31

Baffled by the 'irs your fault' comments. OP assumed her friend is a competent adult and took her at her word. What should she have done said 'no I haven't booked it because I don't believe you have the money you say you do?'

OP you need to be clear that either way, holiday or no holiday, she owes you £400. It you're happy to take it in two or three installments then that's lovely but make sure you are clear about when they will be.

It's never nice to end up in this kind of circumstance and I'm sorry she isn't treating you better.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/05/2025 17:32

Sorry just read it all through.
How much do u need or can you afford to lose 400?
I'd be careful and kind u til I'd got the money back. Then I'd dump her as a friend, maybe keep her as an acquaintance if it suits. But she isn't your friend
Best you can do is say that given she asked for you to nook it, and you did, can you meet to Di suss how you sort out the finances. That will tell you all you need to know.

Doesn't sound like she is on breadline .. sounds like she chooses what she sounds her money kn, and it isn't paying off a debt to you. Shitty behaviour.
But keep your powder clean until u get your money back

And like others said, see if there's anything salvageable financially .. it can't be that uninteresting to u if you booked it, so maybe someone else may be interested and you can still find a way. Whatever happens, I'd stay polite, empathic and kind until I had my money back. You gotta be diplomatic in this kind of situation.

StarDolphins · 27/05/2025 17:38

This would actually be a dealbreaker for me. She should’ve offered to pay! Friends don’t do this, I would never treat my friend like this, I’d just offer to pay, even in instalments. ‘Sorry’ doesn’t pay!

Summerpug6 · 27/05/2025 17:38

I'd text back and say how are you paying me back ,£50 a month is fine

RunningJo · 27/05/2025 17:41

Big bill or not she should be paying you for her 1/2 if what you have booked! No way you should lose out because of this.
If she can’t afford it all in one go, then she needs to set up an instalment plan.
I would definitely be telling her to sort it out. Her ‘sorry’ doesn’t pay the bill does it!

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