To ask your experience of being a working mother

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Due to return to work following maternity leave soon and absolutely dreading it. I know it’s part of life and I’m going back to work for DC as we couldn’t possibly survive on one income forever but I’m riddled with guilt. Can I ask your experience of being a working mother?

I went back after six months with my eldest and a year with my second. It’s hard at the start but you soon get into a routine, it depends really on how much you enjoy your job, I was glad to get back, being at home with DC full time was never going to be for me, my work is busy and challenging so I won’t patronise you with talk of having nice lunch breaks and drinking tea in peace because not all jobs are like that but it was good to use my brain and it’s only when I went back to work that I started to feel like me again.

I did only do four days though so had a long weekend with the DC and my DH did the same so we only needed three days childcare (that my parents helpfully did) so we had a lot of flexibility but whatever your circumstances OP you will soon get into the swing of it.

It’s shit.
I went back full time when DD was 10 months old. Her Dad left when she was 6 months. I needed the money and wanted to show my DD women can do anything. I showed her “too well” because she’s now a smart-arse who can do anything 😂
It’s hard because I have to put her in after school clubs instead of being there at the gate after school/we don’t mingle with other parents and chat etc.
We often aren’t there for the “workshop” sessions at school where parents can see their work because it’s always at random times of the day and I’m at work.
However, she’s very social and confident being away from me because she’s always been in clubs/activity groups/with other adults.
You’ll feel Mum guilt a lot, that’s normal, just keep telling yourself it’s to provide a better life for your child.

It was really tough being back at work and I won’t sugarcoat it. I used to enjoy my job and was very keen to climb the career ladder but now I’ve pretty much lost interest in it all together as I just want to be around my DC. We do need double income so I’m pushing through and no longer looking to further my career for now as it means more responsibility and work stress - when DC starts school then I’ll probably change career path. DC goes to nursery 4 days a week so we have a routine around that. You do get used to it though, just work out a routine and works for your family.

I don’t find guilt a problem, my child is very happy in nursery and with a couple of WFH days I can juggle things quite well.

The main issue that I am exhausted, struggle to find time for myself, and the resulting grind means I seem susceptible to getting ill etc more easily. I used to enjoy cooking but now it’s a massive hassle and I have no passion for it etc.

I suppose this will work itself out over time, but the fun: tasks ratio is waaaay out of kilter.

I don’t think mum guilt is that normal. I don’t feel guilty about being a working mum. Earning money to be able to feed, house and clothe your children plus provide other things for them is an essential parenting role. Guilt implies you think you are doing something wrong. In which case ask yourself are you really doing something wrong or is guilt something you think you should feel because other mums say they feel guilty. I wonder how many working dads feel guilty?

Mostly this for me as well. It’s not the working day that’s a problem but trying to fit everything else in. I have to prioritise exercise some days rather than let that slide, otherwise I’m just unhappier overall. But I was always focused on getting back to work and never considered reducing my hours - DP dropped to 3 days, then 4 days when DC started school. My pension and earning power is very important to me.

What are you guilty about?
I find being a working parent is fine. Both DH and I work full time and split childcare and house stuff 50/50. Works for us. We’re both very close to our children. My DC loved their childminder and are now in school. They’re thriving, we have a nice life, my work keeps me mentally healthy, it’s all good!
I remember when I was pregnant a lot of mostly middle age women telling me how awful I will find going back to work. So many horror stories of crying in toilets and missing first steps. All nonsense of course.
It makes me wonder what these people actually want - Gilead?

It can be up and down; it gave me back my identity and I enjoyed being me and not just my child’s mother, I also felt the time I had with my DC was quality time but I also missed my DC and it was tiring. Long term it’s definitely been better for me though - financially, mentally and for life beyond small children

I went back full time when DS was about 12 months and I was pretty knackered but have since been promoted a couple of times and it's been very worth it. Especially as I actually have loads of flexibility as I'm senior enough to completely manage my own time and projects. I did pick up/ drop off quite a lot once he started school as I could choose my hours.

DH worked very flexibly and part time so we just did two days a week at nursery and one day wiry Granny which was a really good balance for us.

It's tough but we managed and it paid off big time for me as I got a few promotions and my salary shot up. It wouldn't have happened if I was part time and I don't feel guilty as I'm providing for my family. I'm definitely not on top of the housework however!

I found the tiredness tricky when DS was small, and trying to do a long commute on a few hours broken sleep felt very dangerous. I spent a few years living on energy drinks to get through the day and important meetings. You just do whatever you can to get through. School holidays are tough now as well - we don't have much family available and there is no childcare or any holiday clubs where we live, so it's a bit of a shitshow when DS is off school.

I was a sahm to 4 for nearly 10 years and I can honestly say I prefer my life now working full time. If i did it all over again I would have returned to work much earlier. I'm very busy and weekdays can be really full on but I have a purpose now beyond being their mum. My days aren't consumed by toddler groups and naps. I have colleagues I really enjoy seeing every day. It helps that I really love my job. Perhaps I wouldn't have the same perspective if I really didn't like it.

I went back after 18 weeks, which was normal. The night before I felt absolutely sick with nerves.
However once I got into a routine everything was fine.

I'm not going to lie, at times it was hard work, lots of juggling but I didn't feel guilty for working.
My lads were used to seeing their mum working
( i worked shifts that cover 7 days a week 24 hrs a day) They were used to be picked up by both me and their dad and saw their dad took, clean , shop, do homework with them etc.
The hardest part was covering school holidays so get leave booked early once your child is at school.
Good luck buy I'm syre you'll be OK.

It can be hard, no two ways about it. Made massively easier by:

• having a hands on and proactive DH
• having family nearby who can give you an odd Saturday afternoon break and cover you for days when they are too ill for nursery/school.
• being able to wfh at least some of the week

I currently have none of those things apart from a DH who is tbh a wonderful father and really does try with laundry etc, but I still carry 99% of the mental load. The children would like me around more, a lot more and I have an exhausted to the point of tearfulness a lot.

I do struggle with it as the children would definitely prefer me to be around. But then DH got made redundant at one point and I was SO GLAD to have my career. My own DF had a life-changing acquired brain injury at 49 and died a few years after so I have always been very wary of relaying on one earner.

Looking back (they are now 8 and 6) the easiest times were when I did clinical shifts (nights and long days) and could catch up on house and children on my days off. The weekends are hard when everything lands on them. A cleaner is 1000% worth it and meal plan like a ninja

Good luck

I love it. I love my kids but I also love my job, I'm happy with the balance.

Read this OP.
Going to work is a gift to my child. I set her a good example that money doesn’t grow on trees, I get adult stimulation and use my skills and actually out something into society.
Kid is secure and settled, doesn’t howl and cling to me when left with someone, is in a good routine and is learning lots every day.

It’s tough juggling, especially when they’re sick. Tough is an understatement actually when you have a child sick, nobody will take them and your employer is arguing and other employees bitching because you’re not in.

BUT the pay, the breaks, the ability to chat to people about everyday stuff, the sense of accomplishment after a week in, the fact that your kids see you going out to work, and your baby/ child gets socialised… I’ll be honest though, have been sahm and wm and neither is easier and you have people judging you on both! Best of luck!

Honestly, it’s been great. My eldest is now 12 and except for maternity leaves and a period of long term sickness, I’ve always worked.

I actually loved going back to work. I had time to myself again and time to think. I commuted by train, so I got to read books again and trashy magazines on my commute. My diet improved as I had time for healthy breakfast and lunches again. Also just generally I was doing something that interested me instead of just going to rhyme time and walking in circles around the park with the pushchair. I even got to do a bit of travel again, which was glorious.

Truly there were no downsides. I love my children, but I don’t need to be with them every second for them to know that. It improved the quality of the time we had together. Also it meant Dh had to pick up the slack and gave him more time being the default parent, more of the driving around, more of the cooking and bath/bedtime. That was good for everyone.

Was hard at first- their sickness, juggling calls from nursery, feeling ill myself, night wakings, breastfeeding but you navigate it all, learn from it and then it honestly becomes second nature.

what helped was having the right childcare and knowing they were genuinely happy there, so I didn’t feel at guilt or sadness. I’d recommend starting them a good time before you go back so you get some of the illnesses out the way- even if it’s just a morning a week. Also using annual leave to work back up to your hours. Let’s you adjust to it.

I will say that it seems a working parent is a bit annoying if you have a bad partner who doesn’t pull their weight eg clean cook etc.

It's be great. I've worked part time since DD was about 18 months old and always felt I had a perfect balance. The time at home with DD was terrible for my mental health, I was lonely and bored. DD thrived at nursery, loves school now. I retrained when DD was two and spent a few years working and doing two qualifications, luckily could do most of the qualification on the job and lessons were in my place of work, now have a professional career and still work part time.

I didn’t find going back too bad. But the illnesses from nursery have been killer. Especially as I’ve had all the bugs my DC has had and it’s also affected all our sleep. We don’t have family close by to step in, so having to take random afternoons off or juggle work around days we can’t send DC in has been hard.
The only guilt I feel is that DC probably wouldn’t be ill if they didn’t go to nursery, and that’d we’d all be healthier if me or my husband was a stay at home parent.
But what can you do when you need two wages to live? I think you just have to make peace with the choices OP, it might not be what you want but it’s what you have to do to pay the bills and keep a roof over your heads.

knackering and I never felt like I was in the right place at the right time. But we needed the money so there was no choice, and it’s amazing what you can cope with if you have to.

I went back after 13 weeks because we did shared parental leave. I never considered not working and never once felt guilty. I'm pretty sure my husband doesn't feel guilty about working, so why should I?

We both pull our weight domestically and my daughter really loves ASC and holiday club (luckily!). We support each other's careers and make sure we have equal time to pursue hobbies and interests.

My mum always worked full time, as did all the women in my family. I'm proud that my daughter will grow up with fantastic female role models, whose career aspirations are equal to any man's.

(Obviously I respect the decision of any sahp to do what's right for them and their family)

Another bump for this message! I'm about to go back after a year with my second, and banishing mum guilt this time. I drowned in it the first time, but I need to financially provide for my children. In my circumstances, working is being a good mother and giving them opportunities in life.

I also think the people often call it mum guilt when really it's a sense of overwhelm of everything you have to manage. Working and being a present parent is a lot! There's some practical things that help.

• Quality childcare is obvious, but also setting out things like an equal drop off and pick-up schedule for you & your DP if you have one.
• Deciding who takes the sick days with the little one (and if they're in nursery there will be a lot in the early days). It helps if your DP can take the sick days for the first few months back to work, as you'll be trying to settle back in. If you have any grandparents involved, asking ahead of time what level of sickness they'd be comfortable minding the DC for helps too.
• If DC is going to nursery, stock up your sick supplies now. 😅 Calpol, Nurofen, tissues, nasal spray, etc.,
• Redefining household roles if you have a DP. Things often fall to the mum while we're on mat leave, and there's no way you can do it all on your own back at work without cracking up. Better to redefine well in advance so it works smoothly.
• Asking work to clarify any organisational changes, shifts in focus, role responsibilities, project goals, personal KPIs, etc., as early as possible. Things often change a lot while you're on mat leave, and if these have been gradual changes your manager may not always think to document them. It's good to avoid any doubt!
• Setting up coffee meetings with any new co-workers when you're back, as you'll have to network all over again. Obviously not relevant to all roles.
• Expect evenings to be awful for the first while, and give yourself grace. You'll miss your little one, and they'll miss you too. They'll probably act out a bit when they come home, and be tired. Taking pressure off the evening routine wherever possible helps, slow cookers, morning baths instead of evenings, bring bedtime forward, all helps.

I am the only person I know in real life who went back full time compressed hours, and my husband is the only father I know who went back compressed hours also after doing SPL.

Doing this means our son is only in nursery 3 days a week, we have full salaries etc.

The three nursery days are both a blessing and a juggle. We have to be organised for drop offs and collection to be on point, but we manage it so he only does 8-4.30 rather than a longer day. Catch up on work in the evening if needed.

Nursery is the right place for him vs a childminder as I wasn't satisfied with the local childminders and he's a super-sociable child (compared to the other kids I'd very rarely find him upset at pick up time).

I've gone back to work in the last couple of weeks. I was also dreading it in the run up.

Day 1 was hard, but honestly, the hardest part was leaving the house. I did a week of half days initially, which I'd recommend. By the time those ended I was keen to get going again and have really enjoyed using my brain and am now back in the swing of things.

Baby adjusted very quickly, we had a slight sleep regression for 3 days where they were much clingier. And then back to their usual happy smiley selves.