To ask your experience of being a working mother

[Liveandletlive7]

Due to return to work following maternity leave soon and absolutely dreading it. I know it’s part of life and I’m going back to work for DC as we couldn’t possibly survive on one income forever but I’m riddled with guilt. Can I ask your experience of being a working mother?

I've done just about every combination (3 kids in 4 years. ) as we have no family to help we couldn't afford childcare for all three but I did:
F/T when DS was 6 months old for about half a year.
Then started a p/t degree when Ds2 was 3 months old and worked a day a week as well.
DH works shifts so would have them one or two days a week. We used a combination of friend swaps, a CM and a nursery over the next 10 years.
I worked full-time, part-time and was a student. DH worked around 60 hour weeks.
I absolutely hated f/t when they were young. I missed them so much and missed out on so much. We just decided to be super skint. I was lucky that I had made loads of amazing friends with kids similar ages. That did take a lot of work and I went to about 10 different playgroups til I found people I liked. I'm still friends with most of them. So I always had things to do and places to go with other adults. I would have been insane if I'd stay just with the kids.
I work full-time now that they're all at secondary school and that's fine, as I work from home I get to see them in the morning and when they come home. They obviously don't want to spend that much time with me anymore anyway!

The downsides of not working for about 10 years full-time was that I have a shit pension which I am piling into now and we don't have things like a fancy but actually weirdly I feel quite rich because even though we earn really average money because we were used to being so skint for so long I actually have some (very small) savings. Personally I wouldn't do it in the least bit different.

Edited to say, I also really disliked being full-time stay at home mum. It drove me insane and my very favorite combination was three days at work/uni four days off.

I loved being back at work, I was cabin crew and worked part time, now I’m full time in a different and very demanding but rewarding career.
my daughters - absolutely smashing age appropriate targets. They are young adults who are sociable, they work hard and both are at uni. Their work ethic is incredible.

It was the best for us but ultimately it’s individual and down to what you can afford as a family and are comfortable with

Yes good routine helps. I hated full T felt always chasing our tails in evenings. Kids older now. I think if everyone does their bit its fine. Hard when kids sick. Good childminder was a blessing. Ive summers off now as school bus.

I found it really tough, the hardest part of having our baby was going back to work. Just the rush to get ready in the morning, then rushing to get them fed and into bed in the evening. Them wanting connection but there's hardly any time for it. Our daughter didn't settle well into nursery for ages so it was really draining and upsetting for us. I went back 3 days and wouldn't have coped with full time honestly.
She's 3 now and loves nursery, it definitely gets much easier and you get into the swing of it all but it was so hard for ages.
So many factors at play though, everyone's experience will be different.

It was fairly easy going back after my first, but really hard after my second. She was 9 months, still waking me up at least a couple of times a night and in the morning I had to wrestle a baby and a toddler to nursery. I was exhausted all the time but I had no mum guilt, they were happy in nursery. I loved my job and by the time they started school I was fairly senior and it was easier to deal with all the earlier pick up times, parents evenings, inset days, sports day and such. It worked out well for us.

I work full time but struggle as completely reliant on my in laws as my daughter is quite vulnerable to tummy bugs etc so nursery not really right for her atm. I think I am going to have to reduce to part time somehow as my current situation completely untenable.

I really resented it.
I loved being at home and my son was only 5 months old when l went back part time.
I was still breast feeding him and had to arrange my breaks to enable that.
I found it very tiring, stressful and everything felt rushed.
I envied the Mums who were not working.

I refuse to feel guilty for anything a dad wouldn’t feel guilty about.

DH and I both pull our fair share of the load, in all areas.

Yes it’s hard, but being a parent can be hard no matter what working route you choose. Personally I would have gone loopy as a full time SAHM, unless I still had money for a nanny, coffees out etc!

I’ve never felt guilty for working. Men certainly don’t!
I’m providing for my family financially in exactly the same way my DH does. I don’t see why either of us should feel guilty for that.

We both enjoy our jobs though and we’re very career focussed so that does help!

My experience was that I missed my children, and I was too tired to really enjoy them when I did get time with them.

I work from home now in a different role and I only work between school hours and I love having more quality time with my children and they love having me around more.

Are you WFH, or in an office/onsite??

I'm responding in a looking back sort of way as our dc are 30 and 27 now.

The big negative
Do not expect things to work out as planned and have a cushion. I went back to work (p/t) when ds was 4 months old. That was the compromise for part-time. No local family so he went to a day nursery - an excellent one. At 5 months he had bronchiolitis - a week in hospital, at 6 months pneumonia another week in hospital. He was wheezy and asthmatic and we had five hospital admissions in his first year. Ear infections started at 8 months : two a month until he was grommeted at 16 months. I resigned when he was 13 months and I left him at hospital at 5am to catch a flight for work (my dh took over). Funnily enough he seemed to turn the corner as soon as I stopped and he was grommeted!

I was lucky because we could manage on just DH's income although were down to brass tacks for about 18 months. Overall though, 7 years of p/t earnings £250k, loss of pension contributions and promotion potential, getting off the merry go round and having to start all over again.

I went back 7 years later and locally
The positives:
Pension
Self esteem
Dodging the school gate and volunteer requests
An income and greater financial independence
It made the DC more independent and responsible. If they forgot their instrument, homework, kit, etc, they had to suck it up because I couldn't float about like a fart in a bottle dropping off lost stuff.
Provided the DC with a more relatable parent.
Made me more relatable to DH and others as I had conversation beyond the DC, lunching, tennis, shopping.
There were only so many times I could make the oven sparkle and it didn't speak to me.

The DC seem to appreciate having an independent mother who understands work and can advise. As do their partners who had no such thing - see comment about schools, shopping, etc.

At 64 I'll retire soon on 75% of an occupational pension and full state pension. But, due to working locally and public sector since 2003 my overall earnings took a hit.

Hope that helps. I appreciate I was very lucky.

I went back when dd was 5 months old. My job has almost always involved some travel - the amount ebbed and rose over time but so did DH’s (luckily usually the opposite to mine). It always took a lot of organising, prepping bags and morning clothes and breakfast the night before, and having prepped for dinner so it was just “turn on and cook” most nights. Being ruthless about schedules. But still lots of fun.

DD is now 19 and going to uni overseas, and a lovely human being.

Oh, and we never had the option of family for childcare, but that meant we never felt guilty about using it.

I went back after 4 months (21 years ago). We had a full time nursery and an aupair at home. Even with all that, it was hard. I don’t regret it though. My career shoot off during that decade and having a good job meant we could afford a few luxuries. My son is almost 22 now and he has a very strong work ethic. I don’t think he suffered at all from the childcare arrangement

I went back part time and luckily had family childcare. It was much harder on me (not just emotionally but in terms of stress). It did them good to make other attachments.

I’ve been lucky, went part time until my children were mid primary. That’s not to say it was easy. Part time meant my colleagues so me as having it easy, but it’s part time with more than enough workload and part time pay. At home my husband saw me as having time to get things done. It’s been hard going to full time. I find I do extra at work to ‘earn’ time to go to school events. It’s not easy but im
proud of us as a family unit that we manage it together.

Are you a teacher?

Hear hear. Guilt is a choice. I actually went back early from maternity leave. I love my job and bring a SAHP just doesn’t suit me.

Went back when DD was 9 months old, 4 days a week. Went full time at 18 months. No guilt as she’s an only and felt that the social aspect of nursery was very important and we were super happy with the nursery, I’d still send her now if I could 🤣
Was hard in terms of the juggle but outsourced what domestic stuff we could afford to, DH worked much more locally so did all pick ups drop offs (still does). Sickness was rare and I think that made a massive difference, a part from chicken pox she really didn’t have many sick days.
Paid off massively as I got promoted within a year of returning and it enabled me to shift companies to one with much more flexibility a couple years ago.
My preference was always to be around more as she gets older, I think girls need their mum more as they shift into being teenagers. This has already started age 9 and I’m so glad our past decisions are enabling me to be there for her

Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing what you need to do, and hopefully want to do to ensure a good life for your children.

I went back full time at 12 months. The settling in back to work was difficult, but that soon passed. We were fortunate that our little one just loves nursery, suits her personality and she settled in quickly.

ignore people that make you feel guilty. That says more about their choices than it does you - people make other people feel guilty to make themselves feel better.

its now a year on and things that have helped in our routine

1. both me and DH are flexible with work but both work in the office full time. I make mornings as stress free and I rushed as possible. If that means I’m a bit late for work then so be it.
2. I stopped giving DD a full meal post nursery, she wasn’t hungry, wouldn’t eat it etc, and I spend quality time with her before bed.
3. Won’t suit most people but if DH and myself are both home, we both do bedtime. It’s nice family time and not a hassle.
4. find ways to cut stress out elsewhere. We have a cleaner, I don’t do washing mid-week
5. it helps that we’re not massively social, busy people. Our weekends are home based and we love spending time as a family.

Mine were all born in the early 90s when legal mat leave was much shorter and maternity pay largely non existent in the private sector. I was the main earner so was back at work early each time by current standards.

Its hard initially but because its hard work, not because of guilt. Don’t confuse that sense of missing a baby if you return to work in the early months with guilt. We had no local family. DC1 went to an excellent childminder but a daily nanny was more cost effective when the others came along. We saw little financial benefit for work in those early years of hefty childcare bills but it rapidly pays dividends as the childcare bills drop.

You really need to have the talk with the other parent and be clear about expectations. All the services with which you interact will treat you as the default parent and you need the father’s active support and involvement to avoid being dumped with everything. A partner who expects you to “manage” his contribution is not a partner.

Outsource everything you can. There is no virtue in scrubbing your own floors after a day’s work. I was a very early adopter of supermarket delivery services even when they were telephone ordering, before web based ordering existed. We kept our own time to do stuff we felt was of most value to the DC/family. Being honest we had very little individual leisure time during those early years.

The DC learned as they grew that there were some things they had to manage themselves and that if they forgot books/lunch/whatever in the morning they would need to deal with the consequences. They were all pretty independent from early on. They also saw both parents as WOHPs, both parents doing the shift at home, both parents working together to accommodate needs (and this wasn’t always easy, especially when we were both learning). They learned negotiating skills early 😅

They also have a mother who could advise them on careers when graduating, had contemporary experience of the professional workplace from the perspective of a future employer as well as navigating common issues early in professional careers. Sticking with the career also meant we were well placed to provide help them financially when needed.

Ditch the guilt, think long term and plan with an assumption that some of your plans will not work out and will need changes.

Until recently I was, by far, the breadwinner. So there was no choice other than to go back. It was hard but I still felt like I was developing skills and knowledge at work, so all in all it was ok.

Now, I’d very much like to just stop working. My kids need me to be around and there’s too much to do to have a full time job as well. Since DH is set for life in his job, including a great pension, the justification for me still working is now limited to a need to pay school fees for DD1. When that ends, I’m out of the office permanently.

Unlike you, I wasn’t riddled with guilt going back the first time. I was desperate to have some of my own time again. I work in an office, so could adjust my workload based on how tired I was. I absolutely loved the freedom, being able to eat alone, being able to walk alone. I looked forward to it so much every Tuesday (Appreciate how bad that sounds).

I did find it hard doing both though. I would come home exhausted and then have a baby who needed my attention, and then kept me up most of the night etc. I was really, really exhausted, but not as exhausted as I would’ve been if I was looking after my own kids all day.

I found it a welcome distraction from the difficulties of parenting.

Sorry.

Not what you wanted to hear.

Maybe it won't be as bad as you think?