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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you consider this fair

44 replies

123dontcomeatme · 27/05/2025 07:44

I'm probably being unreasonable for starting a thread about christmas presents in June,but I've been reflecting this morning and wanted to check what the general consensus was.

My mum and step dad offered to take the whole family on holiday. A very generous offer and not something we have ever done before, they aren't the sort of people who ever pay for anything so it was a bit of a surprise. They gave a years notice so everyone ( 7 of us) had time to save. This was june last year.

In September, at a family lunch, mum announces, without any talk about it first, that she has decided we aren't doing christmas presents as usual this year. All adults, plus my dd who is 18 and in 6th form will do a £50 secret santa. The only person exempt is the other grandchild who everyone will have to buy from as normal, with around a £30 budget each.

I raise that its not really fair, dd is a grandchild too, she works a few hours a week as she's in full time education and should not be included in with adults on full time wages. Plus the impact emotionally on her. She is very much not the favourite grandchild and the relationship is strained. I raised that she would be really hurt by this ( she was the only one not there) and that they should re consider.

All hell broke loose , dd was called a lot of names, selfish and entitled. The fact she's 18 seemed to over rule anything else as she is an adult now, her working 10 hours a week is a lifestyle choice apparently. I was told she needed to see the bigger picture.

Things got worse from there because the damage was done, dd didn't want anything from people who didn't want to give anything willingly. Mum wouldn't back down.

For lots of reasons, not just this, we have now gone no contact. But it's been bothering me.

To add, I'm a single parent. Dd doesn't see her dad and he doesn't send gifts. Mum and step dad are the only remaining grand parents. No other aunts or uncles other than my brother who was involved in the secret santa plan. The other grandchild has a massive extended family and is lavish with gifts. It sounds so money grabbing, which it was not, it was about dd feeling loved and as important as the other grandchild who was 10.

So, was i being unreasonable to say this was wrong?

OP posts:

2024onwardsandup · 27/05/2025 07:46

No of course not and it sounds like there is a whole
back story. Well done for standing up for your daughter.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/05/2025 07:48

Without the back story it can be in some family’s very normal that present buying changes once you hit 18 the magic number of becoming a legal adult.

With the back story it feels like another clear way of showing her how she’s not a loved grandchild.

CrowMate · 27/05/2025 07:54

No, you weren’t wrong to raise. They didn’t have to agree. Their attacking her character by saying awful things about her when she didn’t even raise the issue herself is completely unreasonable. I’d be done too.

Ladysodor · 27/05/2025 07:58

I think the problem here is your mum. Why on earth does she have the power to dictate to everyone how to celebrate christmas/spend money etc?! Very odd and controlling behaviour imo.

Take a step back, explain why and see how it pans out.

KrisAkabusi · 27/05/2025 07:59

Plus the impact emotionally on her

I'm really, genuinely, not getting this. She's 18. She can't surely expect to still be treated as a child. Most presents stop when kids aren't kids any more. It's £50 and she has six months notice. Maybe emotionally she would be pleased to be seen as one of the dulys. I think you're overreacting here.

Eenameenadeeka · 27/05/2025 08:01

How old is the other grandchild? Honestly it makes sense because it's hard to shop for adults and 18 is probably a reasonable cut off. Though it would be better to say it as a suggestion and consider other opinions rather than just making the decision for the group

Edit-Oops I see the other child is 10, so still a child. I don't think their idea is unreasonable but more they should have started a discussion

DelphiniumDoreen · 27/05/2025 08:02

No, it’s pretty mean. If you’re going to stop giving presents then 21 is a better age. You can then have a big Birthday and special present.

I take it having the final decision is more important to your Mum than seeing her granddaughters? Is she normally like this?

Original poster

123dontcomeatme · 27/05/2025 08:03

KrisAkabusi · 27/05/2025 07:59

Plus the impact emotionally on her

Ok. But how can she be expected to be treated as an adult when she is still in school, not earning adult wages? She has to follow no adult rules in school.

If she had left school and was working then that would be different and fairer. But how can someone who is at school, be put in the same box as someone earning 42k a year?

OP posts:

CaptainFuture · 27/05/2025 08:12

What is the usual? All adults buy presents for each other and dc, dc don't buy for anyone?

JudithOnHolidayAgain · 27/05/2025 08:12

You seem to be equating how much money is spent on your children with how much they are valued?
I don't see anything wrong with having a cut off at 18 and cutting spending down to 1 gift per adult.
Your mother shouldn't be given the power to dictate everything, that should have been a group discussion.
The whole situation seems ridiculous!!!

DiscoPolly · 27/05/2025 08:30

I think providing the other Grandchild has to join the secret Santa when they reach 18 then it is fair enough.
My older DC are in their 20’s and gifts from extended family moved to token presents eg beer and chocolate once they turned 18.

Original poster

123dontcomeatme · 27/05/2025 08:32

Usually everyone buys for everyone. Dd Usually buys something for everyone too.

This wasn't to be a change for always, it was for one year only.

It's not about equating how much money is spent equalling how much you are valued.

If you haven't ever personally been in that position yourself, and I have. It stings. Even if you are 20. Or 25. It causes further hurt and I was trying to protect dd from that and preserve some of their relationship.

It's not about money, the are very very comfortable. It wouldn't have mattered to them at all to not try to enforce this silly rule.

OP posts:

Sparkle123r · 27/05/2025 08:40

I do not feel this was unreasonable. There has to be a cut off somewhere. Many families I know do not purchase beyond 18.

My son was 17 last year and worked 7.5hiurs a week and still purchased Christmas gifts himself for family members. Your daughter works 10 hours a week. It's not unreasonable to expect her to purchase gifts out her money at 18.

An 18 year old should not expect to be treated the same as a 10 year old. She has 8 years of being treated as a grandchild before the youngest came along.

The fact she has no other family members shouldn't have anything to do with. Thats not your family's issue.

'dd didn't want anything from people who didn't want to give anything willingly'

You shouldn't of respected your families decision And so should your daughter. This is quite an immature response and you have aided that as you presumably feel she is hard done by.

Clearly there are bigger issues than this that have led you to go no contact, but I do feel this is an overall reaction

I am no contact with both my parents and we are no contact with my MIL. No regrets or thoughts whatsoever. The fact you are still thinking about means that your aren't 100% sure you made the right choice.

Your youngest child shouldn't be affected by your eldest daughter throwing her toys out the pram.

MoistVonL · 27/05/2025 08:41

If she normally buys gifts for her grandparents and uncle, is it going to make much of a difference to buy for one secret Santa instead? I’d probably top her budget up myself from what she usually spends.

Lots of families have cut off points - 18, 21, after leaving university etc. I think you’re seeing unkind intent where perhaps it was a practical suggestion given the spending on the holiday this year and the overall cost of living.

Espressosummer · 27/05/2025 08:42

Doesn't secret santa save your daughter money then if she usually buys for everyone and now only has to buy for 1 person?
I think it's fine to stop gifts at 18, that's what happened in my family. The issue is how else your daughter has been treated and how quickly your mum went to calling her gd names etc.

Sparkle123r · 27/05/2025 08:47

123dontcomeatme · 27/05/2025 08:32

Usually everyone buys for everyone. Dd Usually buys something for everyone too.

This wasn't to be a change for always, it was for one year only.

It's not about equating how much money is spent equalling how much you are valued.

It's not about money, the are very very comfortable. It wouldn't have mattered to them at all to not try to enforce this silly rule.

So for one year only your daughter was being told don't buy for everyone only spend £50 instead.

Completely and utterly unreasonable to go no contact over this.

Whoever they are comfortable or not that's not an unreasonable request when they have purchased a holiday for everyone. Clearly this silly rule was something they wanted to follow and you couldn't respect that.

You say it's not about the money but every explanation you give makes it clear it is. You should have explained it to your daughter, but instead you mishandled it.

SapporoBaby · 27/05/2025 08:53

Sorry but I think they’re right. When me and my cousins hit 18, gifts and money at Xmas from extended family stopped. That’s very normal. The other child is 10.

lizzyBennet08 · 27/05/2025 09:11

In our family. We stop buying for kids when they hit 18 so that would be normal in my family. At that stage to be honest it felt almost a bit odd to be giving gifts to people taller than us but we don’t buy for siblings either ( only parents and godchildren) so it wasn’t that much of a change for us.

Original poster

123dontcomeatme · 27/05/2025 09:22

I feel like those saying their family rules are somewhat missing the point.

We have never done that, it's not a long standing rule. It's not a new rule they wanted to start, it was one year only.

For me it was also dd being expected to contribute as an adult when she is still at school. She's not at uni, it's sixth form. I still get child benefit for her ffs.

It would have been better to just have said no presents at all.

There is of course a large back story which is maybe more at play here than it appears. Its very much about dd not feeling loved or important than the gifts.

Just that day dd had had hot chips throw at her by my mum because she wouldn't eat them. She's celiac and they wouldn't let her check the packet and used utensils that had touched bread.

I didn't want to go into all of the other stuff but it is probably needed as part of a bigger picture.

OP posts:

DiscoPolly · 27/05/2025 09:31

So clearly there is a back story.

However I’m struggling to equate treating your DD as an adult equalling not showing her love. If this is to do with them paying for the holiday presumably they’ve paid an adult price for her and she’d be having all the benefits of being an adult on holiday and not being sent to bed with her cousin.
I’ll admit I find this area tricky as I left home and was a parent at 18 so I do find I don’t have any frame of reference for being a grown up child living with parents.

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2025 09:32

On fence. We stop doing gifts for kids when they reach 18 in our family

Ducksinthegardens · 27/05/2025 09:35

Well presumably you would still buy her presents?

You can’t dictate that the grandparents and aunts and uncles have to buy her gifts.

I think you are both being unreasonable. You can’t just say that people are doing a secret Santa, people need to opt in. But it may well have been aunts and uncles had decided to stop buying her gifts at 18 anyway, that’s perfectly normal.

NotSorry · 27/05/2025 09:36

The minute anyone was aggressive to my child, would be the last time they saw them. Everything else is irrelevant.

Original poster

123dontcomeatme · 27/05/2025 09:37

Haha, I don't think anyone of us were going to have the benefits of being treated like an adult on holiday. It came with a whole lot of stipulations around how much weight we needed to lose, what time we would need to be up,have eaten and on the beach by 8am. And bed time was to be before 9. Because otherwise you wouldn't be able to be up, dressed and eating breakfast by 7.

I caused a massive argument before this because I don't eat breakfast. I was told I would have to.

OP posts:

TheGoddessFrigg · 27/05/2025 09:39

Surely throwing the hot food at her was more of a deal-breaker than a fairly mild suggestion to change how presents were given out???

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