Would you consider this fair

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm probably being unreasonable for starting a thread about christmas presents in June,but I've been reflecting this morning and wanted to check what the general consensus was.

My mum and step dad offered to take the whole family on holiday. A very generous offer and not something we have ever done before, they aren't the sort of people who ever pay for anything so it was a bit of a surprise. They gave a years notice so everyone ( 7 of us) had time to save. This was june last year.

In September, at a family lunch, mum announces, without any talk about it first, that she has decided we aren't doing christmas presents as usual this year. All adults, plus my dd who is 18 and in 6th form will do a £50 secret santa. The only person exempt is the other grandchild who everyone will have to buy from as normal, with around a £30 budget each.

I raise that its not really fair, dd is a grandchild too, she works a few hours a week as she's in full time education and should not be included in with adults on full time wages. Plus the impact emotionally on her. She is very much not the favourite grandchild and the relationship is strained. I raised that she would be really hurt by this ( she was the only one not there) and that they should re consider.

All hell broke loose , dd was called a lot of names, selfish and entitled. The fact she's 18 seemed to over rule anything else as she is an adult now, her working 10 hours a week is a lifestyle choice apparently. I was told she needed to see the bigger picture.

Things got worse from there because the damage was done, dd didn't want anything from people who didn't want to give anything willingly. Mum wouldn't back down.

For lots of reasons, not just this, we have now gone no contact. But it's been bothering me.

To add, I'm a single parent. Dd doesn't see her dad and he doesn't send gifts. Mum and step dad are the only remaining grand parents. No other aunts or uncles other than my brother who was involved in the secret santa plan. The other grandchild has a massive extended family and is lavish with gifts. It sounds so money grabbing, which it was not, it was about dd feeling loved and as important as the other grandchild who was 10.

So, was i being unreasonable to say this was wrong?

Of course it was.
I said in the original post that this was part of a whole host of reasons.

Sounds like there is a lot of backstory.

So you won’t be attending the holiday?

Your mum wasn’t necessarily U to decide to stop buying gifts for DC at 18, and / or for older adult family members, and to inform you, but was U to seek to dictate what you and others do. And of course to say those things about DD.

It sounds like the present thing was the tip of the iceberg.

At the end of the day, only you truly know what has happened, what was said and how you feel. People will never understand if they only have a little snapshot and will not provide advice that is appropriate to the bigger picture.

Use this time to step back and reflect. See what unfolds. It’s far easier to respond when you are feeling calm and rational. When you’re annoyed it’s easy to fly off the handle and say things you might regret long term.

Absolutely will not be attending. Have been no contact since September, with a brief 2 separate days where on one day she called me over and over again saying the most awful things despite me begging her to stop and saying it wasn't helping it was making it worse.
The other day I was threatened with physical violence if I didn't comply. So, no. Very much not going on holiday with them.

Yes, but you asked a very specific question about Christmas. Which on the face of it, seemed perfectly reasonable and fair to most people. Everything else you have added shows that the whole relationship you have with your family is toxic, and yes, you're probably better off with no contact with them. But that wasn't what you asked, and without the details, people were being reasonable to disagree with you.

Wouldn't an 18 year old rather have money as a gift? I don't see why they think she's a working adult. She's at school still! So they should just give her cash.

I presume you're not longer going on the holiday then?

You're right to be upset about it as it does seem a bit unfair on her. And they were calling her all sorts of horrible names which is appalling.

sorry to hear that you were threatened with violence. Head over to the ‘stately homes’ thread in relationships board for some resources and knowledgeable posters!

Massive back story here OP. The snippets you’ve given on your last post re violence etc sounds incredibly unreasonable of course it does. If this is their behaviour then of course it’s best to avoid.

Maybe you should read all of the OP's posts?

Your mum sounds horrible.

I agree with you - you can’t equate an 18 year-old in sixth form with a fully working adult. Ridiculous. And doubly so if you are a single parent as you are likely to have to pick up the extra cost.

However, if £100 is cheaper than you’d both normally spend buying everyone a gift, then I’d look at it as a result.

As a single mum, it comes down really to whether everyone else on high wages were spending £50 to get a £50 present in return whereas you'd have been spending £100 if subsidising your child. Not forgetting £30 each for the ten year old. If you and DD would have been spending £160 between you normally it is less of an issue. Secret Santas are always crap imho. Does everyone get a gift they actually want or is it just taken back? Does everyone get £50 spent on them?
So it seems the whole idea was all having one expensive thing to unwrap except gc1 who has a load of stuff. The cut-off would not bother me at all but for one year only, seems a bit tight to include a student.
The joint holiday always sounded like a nightmare.
The Xmas thing should have been no gifts at all for anyone that year or £5 silly gift secret Santa. The ten year old could have had their own gift opening in the morning without anyone present (so opening gifts from their parents and other GP).
I am sorry about you being NC even though it sounds as though it is for the best. Xmas, Easter and half terms are rough when you're on your own. Aggressive, hurtful, abusive behaviour you are best off without though.

I have absolutely no idea why the (pretty reasonable) Secret Santa suggestion was the hill you have chosen to die on, whilst putting up with all the other, almost unbelievably unreasonable stuff that you've been drip feeding into the thread.

But since your OP was about the Secret Santa only, then I would have to say that you are being unreasonable and doing a Secret Santa for all those 18yrs+ is quite reasonable. To go NC because of this seems odd and quite unreasonable

The other stuff you've drip fed, like throwing chips or being controlling would be reasons to go NC, of course, quite separate to the SS issue which you raise.

No offence, but there is no way if you were 17 now that you would be able to afford all of that, it's just not possible.

Dd works to run her car, she pays all costs inc insurance, I could not afford to do so. She also pays half of her phone.

Her sixth form only allow students to work a maximum of 10 hours a week, they prefer 8 and it is enforced.

From what you’ve said your parents sound toxic and I wouldn’t want anything to do with them but that still doesn’t explain why, especially given all the other atrocious behaviour the Secret Santa has upset you and DD so much. Particularly since you’ve said your DD was already buying gifts for the family so it’s not like she’s been told she has to start.
I’m just curious as to why this thing in particular has been a trigger point for you because it is so normal in many families. I know you say it’s not in yours but if your DD is the oldest Grandchild then she was always going to be the first to reach it and it generally saves money in the long term.

Your mother sounds very like my mother, it's her way or the highway and woe betide anyone that disagrees. Good for you for going no contact, it's an abusive situation and you have to protect yourself and your child. You have my sympathy, dealing with a mother like that is so difficult and so heartbreaking.

This. The SS thing is minor compared to violence and other stuff you've posted that they have done. But if you've had no contact with them since September then I'm wondering why you posted about it now. Christmas has come and gone.

I don't know, its been bothering me for the last 24hrs, out of nowhere. Maybe because the holiday is soon? Maybe because dd is sitting her a levels now and has finished school? Who knows.

All of the other behaviour bothered us too but I'm not going into all that. I do feel like this was the start of the straw that broke the camels back. From this, it escalated the same day to a 90 min full on screaming match, mostly berating dd's character ( so to my eyes lends itself to the present decision being more loaded) I tried to leave several times and was physically blocked from opening the front door. As in I was pulling on it saying ' let me leave, I want to go, please let me leave ' and my step dad was pushing on the door with his whole body.

It's awful and that's why we are no contact.