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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say don’t push children - even ‘adult’ children?

32 replies

Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 20:02

My mum wanted me to go to a Uni far from home to get me away from my boyfriend who she hated even though I wanted to go to uni in my home city - with disastrous results. She also knew I didn’t want to go as I’d directly told her.

Because of this and her generally treating me like a child when I was in my 20s I developed a very serious mental health condition aged 22.

Now I’ve got this all over my medical records where I had previously had no mental health conditions on my records

AIBU to say don’t push kids - especially adult kids - into anything they’ve actually told you they’re not keen on

I couldn’t previously stand up to my mum as she’d been abusive

OP posts:
justasking111 · 26/05/2025 20:17

My three all chose their university. All I said was check how long and how many changes on trains. And how much ££. We did a lot of open days.

You need to be happy in your choice. It's not your parents who will be living the student life.

AlorsTimeForWine · 26/05/2025 20:21

Yabu. shit happens.
And adults do know better a lot of the time.

I chose my university all by myself.
My parents gave me close to zero guidance.
The uni and accommodation i chose were wildly unsuitable / i was unsuited to it and my mental health was dire for a long time as I was SO unhappy.
Annnd i didnt feel i could quit in yr1 as I "picked it myself" i struggled on and ended up redoing a year.
I hated the entire 4 years i was there it aas one of the worst periods of my life.

Original poster
Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 20:25

Thanks everyone for responding and sorry about your bad experience @AlorsTimeForWine

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 26/05/2025 20:30

Guiding yes…pushing no.

If my child decides they want to go straight into work over uni and they have a good plan, then that’s their choice.

But if they decide they’d like to become an international drug smuggler…different story!

Original poster
Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 20:36

Bex5490 · 26/05/2025 20:30

Guiding yes…pushing no.

If my child decides they want to go straight into work over uni and they have a good plan, then that’s their choice.

But if they decide they’d like to become an international drug smuggler…different story!

Yes agree with this

when I initially dropped out of school though and started a standard office job - my mum was like a 3 year old having tantrums !

OP posts:
Mischance · 26/05/2025 20:39

Do not push children. Quite right. Tell that to the government and those who drafted the National Curriculum. They care not one jot about children's wellbeing.

AnotherNaCha · 26/05/2025 20:42

Hmm see what you’re saying but she’s also an easy thing to blame when things didn’t go well. They could have easily gone worse if she wasn’t involved? You just don’t know. There sounds like a lot of resentment there so hope you can get counselling as I also resented my mum but for the opposite - not pushing me and having zero aspirations for me although I was very academic (she wanted me to work in a shop when I was top 10 percent in maths etc). We need to take responsibility otherwise we start doing things out of resentment and self-sabotage!

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/05/2025 20:45

Yes and no. I certainly think adults should not push children to do things they don't want to do and have no aptitude for or shame them for doing things they passionately do want.

But adult support and guidance is actually pretty critical for making the right choices in that period of life, as are positive role models. I would probably have married my boyfriend from the age of 19 and dropped out of university and had two kids by my early 20s if my parents hadn't made me see that I'd have been completely wasting my life.

Children do need to learn a work ethic, drive and application to education (or work if that's what they are aiming for). If there's no push whatsoever and a completely laissez faire approach to goals it's hard for them to visualise what success looks like.

NeedASafeSpace · 26/05/2025 20:47

YANBU

I did a uni course as an adult (mid 30s). My parents were very proud as hardly anyone in our family had gone to uni. It was a vocational course, so I was on placement. Doing 40 hour weeks and coursework/revision on top. I struggled with it and discovered that it was not the career I wanted to go into. I told my parents this and my dad threw his dinner across the room and said he was disgusted. I was told that "everyone hates their job" and I was to put up with it.
I tried but it was killing me. They never listened to me. No one did.
I ended up dangling off the top of a multi story carpark and brought my town centre to a standstill.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2025 20:49

You don’t know how life would have been if you’d stayed with the boyfriend.

AlorsTimeForWine · 26/05/2025 20:50

Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 20:25

Thanks everyone for responding and sorry about your bad experience @AlorsTimeForWine

Ahhh It all panned out fine in the end...
Mostly 😂

I agree with guiding (possibly strongly guiding!) But not forcing / pushing

SilviaSnuffleBum · 26/05/2025 21:08

I'm not sure how developing a serious MH condition can be blamed upon your Mum pushing you to go to a further away university?!

minipie · 26/05/2025 21:15

I’d have thought it was the fact she was abusive previously, not just this one incident of pushing you, that is more likely to be the cause of your MH struggles.

I think sometimes children need to be pushed - not railroaded or bullied or not listened to, but encouraged in a particular direction. Some of them wouldn’t do much schoolwork, get a job or leave home without some pushing. I guess it depends what you mean by pushing though.

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 26/05/2025 21:19

AlorsTimeForWine · 26/05/2025 20:21

Yabu. shit happens.
And adults do know better a lot of the time.

I chose my university all by myself.
My parents gave me close to zero guidance.
The uni and accommodation i chose were wildly unsuitable / i was unsuited to it and my mental health was dire for a long time as I was SO unhappy.
Annnd i didnt feel i could quit in yr1 as I "picked it myself" i struggled on and ended up redoing a year.
I hated the entire 4 years i was there it aas one of the worst periods of my life.

Edited

That's not really comparable to the OP's situation though? As you were allowed to choose for yourself, and make your own decisions
Bit different to being forced/controlled and not being able to do things for yourself.

Ddakji · 26/05/2025 21:28

NeedASafeSpace · 26/05/2025 20:47

YANBU

I did a uni course as an adult (mid 30s). My parents were very proud as hardly anyone in our family had gone to uni. It was a vocational course, so I was on placement. Doing 40 hour weeks and coursework/revision on top. I struggled with it and discovered that it was not the career I wanted to go into. I told my parents this and my dad threw his dinner across the room and said he was disgusted. I was told that "everyone hates their job" and I was to put up with it.
I tried but it was killing me. They never listened to me. No one did.
I ended up dangling off the top of a multi story carpark and brought my town centre to a standstill.

That’s not pushing you, though, that’s just being a shit.
I hope you’re OK now.

Goalie55 · 26/05/2025 21:29

I think most teenagers need a bit of a shove to move things along.
Really pushing them is another thing. I know 2 women who feel like they would have done better in school/uni if pushed, so they then pushed their children incredibly hard.
One wanted her DD to go to med school and pushed and pushed. She didn’t get a place (probably as heart not in it) started to do a related degree, within a few weeks had a breakdown from the pressure and dropped out.
A woman I went to school with told me she was going to push all her children to do well and they would have no choice. 4 children. First dropped out of uni, second finished and works in a kitchen, other 2 stopped going to school.

My DD is ASD, pushing is very counterproductive.

Ddakji · 26/05/2025 21:30

It’s very easy to blame your parents when everything goes wrong. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I do think that, abuse aside, adults should stop blaming their parents for their woes.

Agree that the OP’s problems stem
more from her mother’s abuse.

Original poster
Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 21:30

minipie · 26/05/2025 21:15

I’d have thought it was the fact she was abusive previously, not just this one incident of pushing you, that is more likely to be the cause of your MH struggles.

I think sometimes children need to be pushed - not railroaded or bullied or not listened to, but encouraged in a particular direction. Some of them wouldn’t do much schoolwork, get a job or leave home without some pushing. I guess it depends what you mean by pushing though.

Your first paragraph is spot on 🙌

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 26/05/2025 21:31

My friends also blames her parents for her life choices

she is 40 years old and lives in her parents home with them still as single mum

Original poster
Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 21:31

Ddakji · 26/05/2025 21:30

It’s very easy to blame your parents when everything goes wrong. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I do think that, abuse aside, adults should stop blaming their parents for their woes.

Agree that the OP’s problems stem
more from her mother’s abuse.

Yes your last sentence is spot on 🙌

OP posts:
WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 26/05/2025 21:32

I had the same. Not just the University, but the course I was to do as well. Then complained for years about how much it cost them to send me there and what a waste it was because I crashed and burned in a spectacular fashion. Grin

Ddakji · 26/05/2025 21:37

Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 21:31

Yes your last sentence is spot on 🙌

Show quote history

Out of interest, was there a problem with your boyfriend? Was your mum, abusive or not, right to want you away from him?
I would personally say as a general thing that hanging onto a boyfriend from home during the uni years isn’t a great idea, even if he’s lovely. Good to make a new start elsewhere to fully enjoy the uni experience.
(Personal experience - I went to a fairly local uni to home (the only one I got into in the end) which meant I stuck with my teenage boyfriend. Who I ultimately married, which was a mistake. If I’d gone to uni miles away it would have died a natural death. Nothing to do with my parents though!)

blueshoes · 26/05/2025 21:38

Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 21:30

Your first paragraph is spot on 🙌

Show quote history

What about the second paragraph?

Drawings · 26/05/2025 21:38

This is interesting OP, I feel like my parents didn’t push me at all and I never reached my potential.

I wish my parents had pushed me more, definitely food for thought with my kids! Trying to get that balance right

Original poster
Breadcoll · 26/05/2025 21:39

Ddakji · 26/05/2025 21:37

Out of interest, was there a problem with your boyfriend? Was your mum, abusive or not, right to want you away from him?
I would personally say as a general thing that hanging onto a boyfriend from home during the uni years isn’t a great idea, even if he’s lovely. Good to make a new start elsewhere to fully enjoy the uni experience.
(Personal experience - I went to a fairly local uni to home (the only one I got into in the end) which meant I stuck with my teenage boyfriend. Who I ultimately married, which was a mistake. If I’d gone to uni miles away it would have died a natural death. Nothing to do with my parents though!)

Show quote history

I finished with my boyfriend a few years after all this - but I’d have finished with him earlier if she hadn’t meddled !!

OP posts: