To say don’t push children - even ‘adult’ children?

[Breadcoll]

My mum wanted me to go to a Uni far from home to get me away from my boyfriend who she hated even though I wanted to go to uni in my home city - with disastrous results. She also knew I didn’t want to go as I’d directly told her.

Because of this and her generally treating me like a child when I was in my 20s I developed a very serious mental health condition aged 22.

Now I’ve got this all over my medical records where I had previously had no mental health conditions on my records

AIBU to say don’t push kids - especially adult kids - into anything they’ve actually told you they’re not keen on

I couldn’t previously stand up to my mum as she’d been abusive

You say your mother is abusive. But it also sounds like she can do no right no matter what and you can do no wrong.

I think it's your mother's abuse that caused your mental healthy troubles - not a reasonable suggestion of moving away for uni. I'd encourage my kids to do that.

I think it's important to have high expectations of them (as long as they are clear eyed and realistic).

Yess you’re right

To be fair OP, you could have stayed with that boyfriend and gone to uni locally and felt trapped and miserable and blamed your parents for not giving you better guidance.
Or gone to uni elsewhere and continued to see him behind their backs.

I'm sorry you have had a rough time mentally and that your mother was controlling but there's no point assuming the past would have been perfect in a different version of it. There's no way of knowing. Focus on now and the future, and building your autonomy and resilience.

My parents didn't push me either, although they did offer advice, and I probably never reached my potential.

However, I don't blame that on my parents - I made the choices, and could easily have changed things at any stage. The only person to blame is myself.

Thank you - wise advice

i went away but still continued to see him

It depends on the parents and it depends on the child. You can't "guide" a child to brush their teeth, you have to make them. If I'd not been pushed I wouldn't be where I am with career and house etc. However I was told that if I wanted to do Graphic Design B Tech rather than A-levels I'd have to move out and find somewhere else to live. Which at 16 was far too much "pushing". Its a fine line, and where that line depends on the individuals.