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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Boundaries” dramas

39 replies

SayonaraZara · 26/05/2025 19:23

Rita and Sue are going to an event their friends are already attending. Rita is planning to buy a ticket for the first day and Sue was planning similar but now thinks she would prefer the second day due to the acts performing etc.

Sue has asked Rita if she would consider changing her mind as she would love for them to all go together but that she understands if not. Rita has replied “Sorry Sue but I’ve just got be very firm on my boundaries right now. That doesn’t work for me”.

Sue has replied saying it’s no problem but that she will be going to the second day as it the ones that works for her the best. She wanted to run it by Rita first but she gets it and she’s sure there will be opportunities to do things together.

Rita is being off with Sue about her decision despite both of them “asserting their boundaries” and doing what they prefer.

who, if either, is BU?

OP posts:
Sweetpea333 · 26/05/2025 19:24

Is Bob takin 'em?

sprigatito · 26/05/2025 19:25

They both sound insufferable.

soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 19:25

God I hate that word

SerafinasGoose · 26/05/2025 19:26

Make your own fucking tea! ☕️

Original poster
SayonaraZara · 26/05/2025 19:29

(I also HATE the word boundaries!) Yes, Bob is already in attendance 😊

If not obvious I’m Sue and had thought what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. But Rita isn’t liking it

OP posts:
Bourbonversuscustardcream · 26/05/2025 19:30

“I’ve just got be very firm on my boundaries right now.”

What a bizarre phrase to use with a friend who was only asking! Sue hasn’t done anything wrong, assuming she never committed to the original date. Rita needs to unclench.

Sounds like it’s not so much about boundaries as Rita getting her own way. What boundary Sue is supposed to have crossed I can’t see!

Original poster
SayonaraZara · 26/05/2025 19:41

@Bourbonversuscustardcream Thank you, I think you’ve nailed it.

have to admit I was a little taken aback when I was only asking her as a courtesy if she wanted to attend - and then I got a message which sounded like I was asking her to sign over her first born 😂

OP posts:
ZippyPeer · 26/05/2025 21:10

Could it be that Rita might be one of those people who struggles to asset herself/bit of a people pleaser historically,but is trying to change the way she does things (and is slightly ballsing it up)?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/05/2025 21:11

I don't see what any of this has to do with "boundaries".

Rita and Sue are both adults who are free to buy a ticket to whatever event they wish to see.

BobbyBiscuits · 26/05/2025 21:13

God how awks for someone to mention 'boundaries' in such a context.
They'll both have other friends with them presumably on either day so just each go to whichever they'd prefer. There's no reason for anyone to have the hump.

Original poster
SayonaraZara · 26/05/2025 21:30

Rita most def not a people pleaser!

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/05/2025 06:02

SayonaraZara · 26/05/2025 19:29

(I also HATE the word boundaries!) Yes, Bob is already in attendance 😊

If not obvious I’m Sue and had thought what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. But Rita isn’t liking it

  1. Buy a ticket for the day you want.
  2. Tell Rita, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
  3. Buy Rita a dictionary for Christmas with the word "boundary" circled in red pen.
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/05/2025 06:14

I'd be very generous and assume that other people push her boundaries, and that she's trying to self correct and is maybe going too far in the other direction.

screwyou · 27/05/2025 06:17

I think Rita sounds like a bit of a dick in this context.

knitnerd90 · 27/05/2025 06:21

That’s not a boundary. It’s weaponised pop psych. A boundary is a limit on the behavior you’ll tolerate. Second, if Rita is being firm on her boundaries (that don’t exist) she has to accept the consequences to herself and not be in a snit with Sue.

GRex · 27/05/2025 06:25

The original post versus later comment makes it hard to know if the original discussion was just talking about the event generally, or agreeing that both would go together as a 2, or if Sue was inviting Rita to join another group. It also sounds like Sue says she wants day 2 for the bands, but actually wants it because that's when the other friends are going. If Sue had directly arranged plans as a 2 for day 1 and then unilaterally changed them to hang out with others, then that would be a bit rude. No need for all the boundaries crap though, "No, I don't why to hang out with Bob" would be clearer.

PlasticAcrobat · 27/05/2025 06:27

I'm wondering about "Sue was planning similar" in the first para. So Rita had made her plans based on an understanding of Sue's intention and Sue then messed her about a bit. Does Sue have form for this? Is Rita a bit sick of it?

On another point, Rita is very definitely a Mumsnetter. Her response, "Sorry Sue but I’ve just got be very firm on my boundaries right now. That doesn’t work for me” is a textbook MN suggestion on threads about dealing with an inconsiderate friend.

Tbrh · 27/05/2025 06:27

I would never speak to Rita again if she really said she was "asserting her boundaries" 😅 But also, Rita is weird. What's wrong with Sue going on the day she wants me, as Rita as doing the same.

MikeRafone · 27/05/2025 06:30

I thought this was a neighbours dispute about where there fence went…
disappointed

FOJN · 27/05/2025 06:39

I'm not sure Rita understands the concept of boundaries. The problem seems to be all hers so if you were to assert your own boundaries you would ignore the off behaviour.

8misskitty8 · 27/05/2025 06:43

Sweetpea333 · 26/05/2025 19:24

Is Bob takin 'em?

Or who’s going first and keeping a leg in their knickers.

GRex · 27/05/2025 07:08

MikeRafone · 27/05/2025 06:30

I thought this was a neighbours dispute about where there fence went…
disappointed

I arrived thinking it was at least a badly parked car....

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/05/2025 07:20

If not obvious I’m Sue and had thought what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. But Rita isn’t liking it

I don’t understand this bit, surely you just both buy tickets for the days you want to go - this sounds more like tit for tat which is as childish as “very firm with my boundaries”. Stop making it a competition and do what suits you both.

Agix · 27/05/2025 07:28

Sue sounds like one of those people who expect people to change their plans for her, and is now imagining Rita being "off" about her choosing a different day as projection - when the reality is that she, Sue, is the one that feels "off" that Rita didn't change her day for her.

The fact that Rita had to bring "boundaries" into it makes me wonder if Sue attempts to cross them a lot, and so needed a bit of a telling.

Toootss · 27/05/2025 07:30

Are you imagining negativity from ?Rita as you are struggling to set your own boundaries ?Sue?
Carry on as if all is fine.