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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave or stay

58 replies

LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 19:19

Am currently living with the kids dad my step kids all boys 16 30 and 31 this was my first love we had a son together who’s now 19 and he wasn’t part of his life till the age of 13 he had an affair behind his wife’s back he was 34 I was 18 I adored him I still do in my own way I’ve been back with him 6 years and had another 2 miracles now 3 and ten months but do I stay for there sakes I left for 2 months in homeless accommodation it was horrendous so I told him am coming back which he wasn’t tv happy with but let me my daughter turned 3 25th July f last month and a started nursery hence why I wanted to come home so she was settled but no e that am I hes like jecel and hide still wasn’t a to sleep with me also I just feel lost and dont know what to do I struggled with the kids on my own and he just worships his 16 year old with his ex wife he is great with my daughter and the bond is there with my son but he does nothing with him unless asked

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:10

LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:02

Yes all correct I left because I wanted to see my best friend when her mum past but he wouldn’t let me so after about 6 months of pleading to see her I went but wasn’t coping in the homeless system to well with the kids

Show quote history

To an observer you've said:

He had sex with a teenage girl (you) behind his wife's back

He got you pregnant and abandoned you and his child for 13 years

You took him back and had 2 more children, with the guy who abandoned your first one

You are controlled so much you had to beg to visit a grieving friend

The only way he "allowed" you to visit said friend was if you split up and you and his babies were homeless?

He sounds like a bully and pig, and a horrible father. But I am concerned this reads like you lack family and options. Do you work? Do you have somewhere to live if you left again? Do you know your rights in terms of child support?

I do think you need to leave, but i think you need a plan. Have your documents together, maybe have squirreled away some money.. you need to reach out to your friends and loved ones to get away so you and your kids don't have to go back

giggly · 26/05/2025 21:13

NotEnoughtGin · 26/05/2025 21:06

Learn how to use grammar and punctuation. I have no idea how many children you have or really what is going on here. Did you sleep with a man in a relationship? Or did he cheat with someone else?

Either way, you are unreasonable for having children with this man and for continuing to be with this man

Not needed and unnecessarily unkind comment.
was very tempted to use incorrect grammar just to piss you off. Back to the gin for you

Bex5490 · 26/05/2025 21:13

And ignore people who post nasty comments behind a keyboard to make themselves feel better about their own unhappy lives.

Most of Mumsnet is nice 🌺

Original poster
LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:18

Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:10

To an observer you've said:

He had sex with a teenage girl (you) behind his wife's back

He got you pregnant and abandoned you and his child for 13 years

You took him back and had 2 more children, with the guy who abandoned your first one

You are controlled so much you had to beg to visit a grieving friend

The only way he "allowed" you to visit said friend was if you split up and you and his babies were homeless?

He sounds like a bully and pig, and a horrible father. But I am concerned this reads like you lack family and options. Do you work? Do you have somewhere to live if you left again? Do you know your rights in terms of child support?

I do think you need to leave, but i think you need a plan. Have your documents together, maybe have squirreled away some money.. you need to reach out to your friends and loved ones to get away so you and your kids don't have to go back

Show quote history

I did work till i had my daughter 3 years ago now am not allowed to I know I have en to leave but am scared

OP posts:
ilovepixie · 26/05/2025 21:19

Can’t understand a word of that!

Original poster
LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:20

LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:18

I did work till i had my daughter 3 years ago now am not allowed to I know I have en to leave but am scared

Show quote history

Also the way you have described everything sounds so bad

OP posts:
BakelikeBertha · 26/05/2025 21:21

ilovepixie · 26/05/2025 21:19

Can’t understand a word of that!

Will people please STOP criticising the OP's writing, she's said she struggles, and is obviously in an awful place, so if you don't understand, please just move on!!

Original poster
LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:23

SilviaSnuffleBum · 26/05/2025 21:01

You got back together with the much older guy who was sleeping with you on the side, who ignored your son for the first 13 years of his life?!

Are you another one of these mums lol politely fk off

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:29

You're scared because he's controlled you, that's understandable. But sometimes you need to do something even when you're scared.

You've done this before, you raised your eldest for 13 years without him, you can do this. But I were you, and I wasn't in immediate danger from this man, I'd stay short term while I made a plan.

Does he work? Does that give you time to discreetly apply for jobs? Could you ask your friend for help? Can you reach out to family?

You want to tell as many people as you can trust what the situation is like, you want to get your paperwork and your children's, you want to discreetly get a "go back" so if you left you'd have the basics for a day or two, you want to hide some money, you might want to look at council housing- coercive control is a form of domestic violence and that risk with 3 children means they may help rehouse you which could be good.

Get yourself ready to be able to get away, it will be scary.

BakelikeBertha · 26/05/2025 21:31

I'm SO sorry you're struggling OP, but the fact that he won't let you work, is a major indicator that you need to get out of there as soon as you possibly can. I am sure there are lots of people on here, who have been through similar situations, and will be able to give you the best advice on who to approach for help.

When you left him last time, how did you go about getting accommodation then? Did you go to a women's shelter or anything, or just approach the council as homeless?

Also, as others have said, please don't let the odd nasty comment put you off asking for help on here, we frequently help and support women in your situation, right through everything, from advice on how to get yourself ready to leave, through to checking in with you months later, just to make sure that you're OK. Sending you a big hug, to show you that there are nice people out here!

Original poster
LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:32

BakelikeBertha · 26/05/2025 21:07

Do you have mental health problems OP? Is this why you're worried about coping?

I did suffer from anxiety and depression years ago. Now am ok

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:33

LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:20

Also the way you have described everything sounds so bad

Show quote history

I'm concerned it is bad. He sounds like a man who likes a woman he can use and control, with little regard for all the children he's creating.

Original poster
LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:35

BakelikeBertha · 26/05/2025 21:31

I'm SO sorry you're struggling OP, but the fact that he won't let you work, is a major indicator that you need to get out of there as soon as you possibly can. I am sure there are lots of people on here, who have been through similar situations, and will be able to give you the best advice on who to approach for help.

When you left him last time, how did you go about getting accommodation then? Did you go to a women's shelter or anything, or just approach the council as homeless?

Also, as others have said, please don't let the odd nasty comment put you off asking for help on here, we frequently help and support women in your situation, right through everything, from advice on how to get yourself ready to leave, through to checking in with you months later, just to make sure that you're OK. Sending you a big hug, to show you that there are nice people out here!

That’s so nice thank you.

And I want to go to college when my youngest is in nursery to sort stuff like my grammar out. It is hard but it’s the most I’ve had spoke to others

OP posts:
Original poster
LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:38

Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:33

I'm concerned it is bad. He sounds like a man who likes a woman he can use and control, with little regard for all the children he's creating.

Edited
Show quote history

I know now am thinly how can I love someone like that

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:43

LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:38

I know now am thinly how can I love someone like that

Show quote history

Because he controlled you and manipulated you since you were 18.

There are plenty women who've had to leave bad men they still loved. Don't be hard on yourself, this is bad enough without making yourself feel worse.

The thing is, now you know what he's like. You shouldn't look away, this is who he is and this is how he's always treated you.

Your feelings don't matter, your choices do. Ask yourself if your daughter bought a man like him home how would you feel? That's your answer.

As other posters have said, we can all offer advice, tips or support. Once you decide what you will do. And my opinion is you're better off without this man, I'd make a plan so that I didn't need to come back again and take an opportunity to leave as soon as I was ready

wrongthinker · 26/05/2025 21:46

NotEnoughtGin · 26/05/2025 21:06

Learn how to use grammar and punctuation. I have no idea how many children you have or really what is going on here. Did you sleep with a man in a relationship? Or did he cheat with someone else?

Either way, you are unreasonable for having children with this man and for continuing to be with this man

Learn how to not be a dick.

Original poster
LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:48

Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:43

Because he controlled you and manipulated you since you were 18.

There are plenty women who've had to leave bad men they still loved. Don't be hard on yourself, this is bad enough without making yourself feel worse.

The thing is, now you know what he's like. You shouldn't look away, this is who he is and this is how he's always treated you.

Your feelings don't matter, your choices do. Ask yourself if your daughter bought a man like him home how would you feel? That's your answer.

As other posters have said, we can all offer advice, tips or support. Once you decide what you will do. And my opinion is you're better off without this man, I'd make a plan so that I didn't need to come back again and take an opportunity to leave as soon as I was ready

Show quote history

That’s what I need to do but am believing Ehst hes saying to me now

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 26/05/2025 21:48

@LostMum7 I think you know that this isn’t what you want for your life.

Of course you’re scared. You’ve been taught to be scared because scared people are easier to control.

It sounds like you’ve been through so much that I bet you’re a lot stronger than you think. And you clearly have dreams and goals…

Do you have any people that you trust or can talk to? If not as I’ve said, I really would look into Early Help x

Laura95167 · 26/05/2025 21:54

LostMum7 · 26/05/2025 21:48

That’s what I need to do but am believing Ehst hes saying to me now

Show quote history

Well you aren't because you're here asking for a second opinion.

No one on here will tell you he's a good prospect.

He has a track record of: cheating, abandoning his children, dictating whether you work, making you think you need authorisation to visit a friend, making you homeless when you needed to visit the grieving friend, letting you and his youngest babies live in homeless accommodation because that suited him more than supporting you while you supported your friend.

You need to ask yourself what he's "saying to you" that says more than all that behaviour.

You are worth more than this, and wouldn't ask the question if you didn't know something is wrong here. So trust your gut and tell some people who love you and see what they say

wrongthinker · 26/05/2025 21:55

Could you talk to your GP about the situation? They may be able to refer you to local help.

Could you call Women's Aid and discuss the situation with them?

Do you have a friend or family member you trust? If so, please confide in them. You need as much support as you can get.

Don't tell him you're thinking about leaving. Make your plan in secret and take care to not let him find out. It will be scary to leave him but you do need to get yourself and your children to safety.

Keep posting here Flowers

Pickley981 · 27/05/2025 06:15

OP
what sort of a life is this for your children?
You sound utterly Incapable of advocating for them
you need to parent up. Fast.

BakelikeBertha · 27/05/2025 11:26

Pickley981 · 27/05/2025 06:15

OP
what sort of a life is this for your children?
You sound utterly Incapable of advocating for them
you need to parent up. Fast.

FFS!! What IS the matter with some of you people? Can't you see that the OP is really struggling, and needs our help, not nastiness and criticism?

My Mum always taught me that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. Maybe you should try it, or do you get off on belittling people?

BakelikeBertha · 27/05/2025 11:34

OP, how are you today? I hope the people who are making nasty comments haven't put you off coming back, as I for one would really like to help and support you if I can.

It makes you wonder what's going on in their lives that they have to be so horrible to complete strangers, doesn't it?

Anyway, as a previous poster suggested, I think it may be a good idea to make up an excuse to see your doctor, (if you need to make an excuse that is), and ideally book a double appointment so that the doctor doesn't make you feel rushed. If when you call to book the appointment the receptionist asks you what the problem is, then just tell them that it's private and personal, they can't insist on you telling them what it's for. Then don't be scared, tell them everything, ie, that you are being controlled, that he won't let you go to work, and that you left him previously because he wouldn't let you help your friend when she needed you, but felt forced to go back as the homeless accommodation you were given was not good for your children's well being. The doctor should be able to point you in the right direction for help, and then PLEASE do follow through, don't let this awful man persuade you that you won't do any better than him. You and your children are worth MUCH MORE than a bullying arsehole, which is what he is!

Original poster
LostMum7 · 27/05/2025 16:37

Pickley981 · 27/05/2025 06:15

OP
what sort of a life is this for your children?
You sound utterly Incapable of advocating for them
you need to parent up. Fast.

How the hell would know? How I parent my kids! Again it’s people like YOU that put people of looking for advice

OP posts:
Original poster
LostMum7 · 27/05/2025 16:42

BakelikeBertha · 27/05/2025 11:34

OP, how are you today? I hope the people who are making nasty comments haven't put you off coming back, as I for one would really like to help and support you if I can.

It makes you wonder what's going on in their lives that they have to be so horrible to complete strangers, doesn't it?

Anyway, as a previous poster suggested, I think it may be a good idea to make up an excuse to see your doctor, (if you need to make an excuse that is), and ideally book a double appointment so that the doctor doesn't make you feel rushed. If when you call to book the appointment the receptionist asks you what the problem is, then just tell them that it's private and personal, they can't insist on you telling them what it's for. Then don't be scared, tell them everything, ie, that you are being controlled, that he won't let you go to work, and that you left him previously because he wouldn't let you help your friend when she needed you, but felt forced to go back as the homeless accommodation you were given was not good for your children's well being. The doctor should be able to point you in the right direction for help, and then PLEASE do follow through, don't let this awful man persuade you that you won't do any better than him. You and your children are worth MUCH MORE than a bullying arsehole, which is what he is!

Thanks means alot. The comments are putting me off even replying as am getting judge. Again this morning wasn’t great. I dont want to write everything but tensions where high this morning again there’s so much more to my story i just thought if I got it out then it might me be better and the support has helped a bit.

OP posts: