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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding on daughters 1st bday?

54 replies

Magicboobies · 26/05/2025 15:48

We have been invited to a child free wedding of my husbands friend from university on my daughters first birthday. She is our 3rd DC.

I am in a dilemma what to do. We don’t spend a lot of time without the children and I know DH would really like to see his old friends. DD has only been left with max a few hours without me on couple of occasions so far, and is breastfed on demand.

His parents would be able to mind the children (they live 1.5 hours away from the venue, but is 4 hours away from our house).

I’m feeling super guilty that I really don’t think I want to leave DD on her birthday. I’m aware she won’t know. But also aware if I leave her on her birthday when not left much she will spend plenty of time of that wanting me and seems unfair to do on her birthday too.

I’m personally not bothered at all about the wedding but I know DH will love to go and see his old friends.

so wise mums net users -
YABU = go to the wedding
YANBU = celebrate with DD and kids

thanks ❤️

OP posts:
Fruitbat99 · 26/05/2025 20:15

I wouldn't go. She won't know, but you will. I'm not surprised that dad still wants to go. See it on here all the time, just a dilemma for mums apparently

user2848502016 · 26/05/2025 20:41

It’s a bit rubbish but you will see her first thing before the wedding and you can celebrate the day before/after. She won’t remember anyway, 1st birthday is more of a celebration for the parents anyway for making it through!

ACynicalDad · 26/05/2025 20:47

She won't even know it's her Birthday.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/05/2025 20:49

To each their own of course. But personally I wouldn't leave my child on their first birthday. It sets a tone. I presume (possibly incorrectly) that you wouldn't have left for your first childs first birthday. So leaving a subsequent child, for your husband's friend's wedding, makes it seem like they are less important than the others. She won't know now of course. But if she finds out in the future, prepare for it to be used against you in an argument by a teenage girl. That being said, you have the right to enjoy yourself. But I couldn't if I were away. I would also have at least a small family party so my husband would probably be at that too.

CowboyJoanna · 26/05/2025 20:52

YABU, its his best friend let him go

Babies don't know it's their birthday. I can't say I really celebrated any of my childrens' first birthdays. It didn't traumatise them Grin
Besides if you really REALLY want the whole posh affair of photographers snapping twenty photos of your baby smashing a cake to pieces, then there's no harm doing it another day.

CowboyJoanna · 26/05/2025 20:53

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/05/2025 20:49

To each their own of course. But personally I wouldn't leave my child on their first birthday. It sets a tone. I presume (possibly incorrectly) that you wouldn't have left for your first childs first birthday. So leaving a subsequent child, for your husband's friend's wedding, makes it seem like they are less important than the others. She won't know now of course. But if she finds out in the future, prepare for it to be used against you in an argument by a teenage girl. That being said, you have the right to enjoy yourself. But I couldn't if I were away. I would also have at least a small family party so my husband would probably be at that too.

"sets a tone"

She won't remember ffs, it's her FIRST birthday. She is a BABY. Not a small child looking forward to her party with all her friends.

minnienono · 26/05/2025 20:53

She doesn’t know the date! Leave dc with their grandparents and celebrate the following day with them

Zanatdy · 26/05/2025 20:55

No, I wouldn’t go on my child’s bday. Especially as she is likely to be distressed. I’d send DP on his own

rwalker · 26/05/2025 20:57

Go to wedding the babies not going to be remotely bothered

Zezet · 26/05/2025 21:00

It wouldn't occur to me to not go to the wedding because of the birthday. I have always celebrated our kids' birthday as suited us. This week my DD3 is having her 3rd birthday on the wrong day, I told our families to call a day later instead. Her older siblings know I changed the date for convenience, they just think it makes sense and no-one seems to mind.

Zezet · 26/05/2025 21:01

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/05/2025 20:49

To each their own of course. But personally I wouldn't leave my child on their first birthday. It sets a tone. I presume (possibly incorrectly) that you wouldn't have left for your first childs first birthday. So leaving a subsequent child, for your husband's friend's wedding, makes it seem like they are less important than the others. She won't know now of course. But if she finds out in the future, prepare for it to be used against you in an argument by a teenage girl. That being said, you have the right to enjoy yourself. But I couldn't if I were away. I would also have at least a small family party so my husband would probably be at that too.

I don't think that's a sign you love the later ones less. It's just a sign you become wiser as to what really matters in parenthood!

BlueMum16 · 26/05/2025 21:05

Can DH go the wedding day and you meet him for the evening? If the ILs will have the children overnight you get to do both.

helpmeCalifornia · 26/05/2025 21:11

I’m always so baffled by how dismissive people are here about young children’s birthdays - all this ‘she won’t know’ ‘she won’t remember’ - yes but you will.

I was invited to a (not especially close admittedly, although someone I get on well with) cousin’s wedding on DD’s second birthday. We said no, and I normally love a wedding. But I wanted to be with her on her birthday and I don’t really care if she remembers it. I think I’d have felt it even more so if it had been her first.

I absolutely wouldn’t judge you if you wanted to go anyway, and celebrate a different day. Of course logically that makes perfect sense - but I also don’t think it’s silly or OTT to want to be with your baby on their first birthday and to mark it in some way.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/05/2025 21:14

Zezet · 26/05/2025 21:01

I don't think that's a sign you love the later ones less. It's just a sign you become wiser as to what really matters in parenthood!

Show quote history

Sure. To me that would be my child's birthday, not my husband's friend's wedding. It's a perfectly valid perspective even if it's not everyone's perspective.

AffableApple · 26/05/2025 21:24

saltinesandcoffeecups · 26/05/2025 15:50

He goes without you and you celebrate the birthday on another day 🤷‍♀️

This. Perfect solution.

colonialwomanonthewing · 26/05/2025 21:26

I think of threads like this when I see threads by posters complaining about how they were apparently dropped after having children by their friends who don't have children.

Okiedokie123 · 26/05/2025 21:28

My kids are in their 20s. I "think" at least half of their birthdays we've celebrated on a day that isnt their actual official day. Various reasons. They've never minded at all. A one year old wont be at all bothered. Id go.

lifeturnsonadime · 26/05/2025 21:29

Honestly go to the wedding. Make a fuss of your daughter the day before or after.

It doesn't mean you love her less than your other two.

I'll bet there wasn't a wedding that clashed with their birthdays!

Plantlady10 · 26/05/2025 21:33

helpmeCalifornia · 26/05/2025 21:11

I’m always so baffled by how dismissive people are here about young children’s birthdays - all this ‘she won’t know’ ‘she won’t remember’ - yes but you will.

I was invited to a (not especially close admittedly, although someone I get on well with) cousin’s wedding on DD’s second birthday. We said no, and I normally love a wedding. But I wanted to be with her on her birthday and I don’t really care if she remembers it. I think I’d have felt it even more so if it had been her first.

I absolutely wouldn’t judge you if you wanted to go anyway, and celebrate a different day. Of course logically that makes perfect sense - but I also don’t think it’s silly or OTT to want to be with your baby on their first birthday and to mark it in some way.

This!

My second child has just turned one, and I couldn't have not celebrated on the actual day. Yes he wouldn't know, but for me it is a hugely sentimental day, and it mattered (this is just me of course, not judging anyone who does otherwise)

But then I think all birthdays matter, including for adults, which is also an unpopular MN opinion!

Zezet · 26/05/2025 22:02

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/05/2025 21:14

Sure. To me that would be my child's birthday, not my husband's friend's wedding. It's a perfectly valid perspective even if it's not everyone's perspective.

Show quote history

I think it's totally valid to value it!

Though I don't think loosening up over birthdays as you get more kids, is a sign you love the third one less.

moanamovie · 26/05/2025 22:10

I had this, my dear school friends wedding on my DCs2nd birthday. I did the hen do & was apologetic. I haven’t regretted it. Don’t go just for a party, you can do that any night of the year.

Wishingplenty · 26/05/2025 22:26

There is no valid reason a wedding party has to ban babies, other than to be awful selfish bastards. You see the dilema these people don't mind putting people in? I wouldn't go, not only because of it being a first birthday, but just on principle alone.

Farkinhell · 26/05/2025 22:29

I was at a wedding on the day my first baby turned one. I figured she wouldn't know the difference and she had a great time with her nanny... We celebrated the day after.

I'd go to the wedding if I were you

BIossomtoes · 26/05/2025 22:36

It would never occur to me not to go to the wedding. I remember my son’s first birthday as well as he does, ie not at all.

CarpetKnees · 26/05/2025 22:38

Fruitbat99 · 26/05/2025 20:15

I wouldn't go. She won't know, but you will. I'm not surprised that dad still wants to go. See it on here all the time, just a dilemma for mums apparently

No dilemma for me, or for the majority of posters on here.

Everyone in our family has celebrated their birthdays on days that weren't their actual birthday for all sorts of reasons over the years. The nice part is celebrating. The fact it is a week (or on occasion even a month) later isn't as important as being able to celebrate with the people you want to celebrate with.
That's as adults, as teens, as children. Obviously as babies, no-one would even have been aware.

As a Mum, same as for dh as a Dad, we would have no issue going to a wedding and doing the birthday another weekend.

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