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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to going over to MIL for dinner last night ?

39 replies

notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:26

it was SIL’s birthday at the weekend. MIL invited us to her house yesterday afternoon, for around 8:30 pm dinner. FIL works on Sundays and doesn’t get back until then.

we declined. We have two kids, 4 and 2.

we’ve had a full on weekend with them and I am solo parenting today, with both at home and I’ve also been unwell over the weekend. We just wanted to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and not go over there for dinner at 8:30 pm. We only live 10 minutes away, but like I said- it was a rough weekend and we just wanted to get the kids by 8 pm and chill out a bit.

I know MIL would feel aggrieved by this for sure. She immediately sent a video of the cake and singing for SIL to the family group ( we were the only ones who didn’t go ).

am I unreasonable to just do something for SIL ourselves and not always take part in these celebrations that MIL hosts ? I usually take a card and a present to her or take her out for a spa day or afternoon tea. Which is what I’ve offered to do this time.

OP posts:
Notlookingforwardtosummer · 26/05/2025 13:28

Not at all. Have you ever said that’s too late for the kids? If you some times do meet at that time she will think it’s fine.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2025 13:29

You weren’t unreasonable to not go, nor the dc who would presumably be in bed, but, if I was your husband I would have gone.

Original poster
notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:29

I’ve said that, but she will have assumed that it shouldn’t be a problem as it’s a bank holiday today and we don’t need to go to school etc. but I’m solo today and it’s still a lot.

OP posts:
LizzoBennett · 26/05/2025 13:30

It doesn't sound like your MIL has done anything wrong to be honest. Who cares if she's a bit peeved? So long as she behaves reasonably (which she has), then I don't see the problem. It would have been rude not to extend an invite.

WhatNoRaisins · 26/05/2025 13:31

No, I wouldn't have attempted that sort of thing when mine were that young whether or not it was a busy weekend. I suspect your MIL has that false memory thing that some grandparents have where they don't remember what small kids are really like.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/05/2025 13:31

You weren't unreasonable not to go but it doesn't sound like MIL has done anything to warrant you accusing her of being "aggrieved"

Pancakeflipper · 26/05/2025 13:32

I don't blame you. 8.30pm dinner isn't great for little ones. And when you've already had a full-on weekend, bedtime and sofa sitting is wonderful.

Original poster
notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:33

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/05/2025 13:31

You weren't unreasonable not to go but it doesn't sound like MIL has done anything to warrant you accusing her of being "aggrieved"

I just know her. So I know she’s aggrieved. I also don’t think we needed the video tbh.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 26/05/2025 13:37

Possibly she sent the video so you felt included?

The alternative was that she did something at a child friendly time, but FIL wouldn't have been present.

If it had been DH's family we would have said it's too late for DS, so Create will stay home with him but Mr Create will come along. If it had been my family then DH would have stayed with DS and I would have joined my family.

Original poster
notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:38

Createausername1970 · 26/05/2025 13:37

Possibly she sent the video so you felt included?

The alternative was that she did something at a child friendly time, but FIL wouldn't have been present.

If it had been DH's family we would have said it's too late for DS, so Create will stay home with him but Mr Create will come along. If it had been my family then DH would have stayed with DS and I would have joined my family.

He didn’t want to go. Not sure she sent it for us to feel included..

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 26/05/2025 13:40

I don’t think mil did anything wrong in waiting for her husband to be home from work. I don’t think you did anything wrong declining on basis of children’s bedtime. I think your DH sounds a bit heartless not celebrating his sisters birthday but at least she’ll know not to make the effort for him.

Penthrowingsurvivor · 26/05/2025 13:40

Afternoon invitation for diner that evening?

Of course YANBU to decline, you don't have to come up with a million reasons.
It was nice of her to invite, and nothing wrong with last minute plans, but if it doesn't work for you, just say no, which you did.

However, I wouldn't keep banging on about "being solo" because you were a few hours with your own 2 kids, it sounds like you are making excuses and bad ones.

Motheranddaughter · 26/05/2025 13:41

Don't really get why you DH didn’t go
For a special occasion like this I would have gone but if neither of you wanted to go then that’s obviously fine

Original poster
notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:41

Penthrowingsurvivor · 26/05/2025 13:40

Afternoon invitation for diner that evening?

Of course YANBU to decline, you don't have to come up with a million reasons.
It was nice of her to invite, and nothing wrong with last minute plans, but if it doesn't work for you, just say no, which you did.

However, I wouldn't keep banging on about "being solo" because you were a few hours with your own 2 kids, it sounds like you are making excuses and bad ones.

You literally have f all idea about how things are for me at the moment and why I’m saying that. So don’t be a dick.

OP posts:
Original poster
notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:43

harriethoyle · 26/05/2025 13:40

I don’t think mil did anything wrong in waiting for her husband to be home from work. I don’t think you did anything wrong declining on basis of children’s bedtime. I think your DH sounds a bit heartless not celebrating his sisters birthday but at least she’ll know not to make the effort for him.

Do you have to celebrate every siblings birthday every year with MIL ? Can we not celebrate it / do something special our own way ?

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 26/05/2025 13:46

@notgoin he had no other plans and they’re obviously geographically close to you. Just seems like a dick move to me 🤷🏻‍♀️ but from the tone of your last couple of replies, you’re determined your MIL is in the wrong and your family is not so I’m not sure what the point of your post was, save for slavish affirmation?

EsmeSusanOgg · 26/05/2025 13:47

notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:43

Do you have to celebrate every siblings birthday every year with MIL ? Can we not celebrate it / do something special our own way ?

Show quote history

No... But an invite is not a summons. If it was only round the corner I would have popped in for my sister or brother. But then they would not have minded if I could not.

It feels like there is a lot of back story here? Do you want to spill the beans on that? As you have presented it you were invited somewhere - said no, because of kids bedtimes - and a video was shared in a family chat. It all sounds quite innocuous on the face of it. But if there is more context, please share.

Penthrowingsurvivor · 26/05/2025 13:49

notgoin · 26/05/2025 13:41

You literally have f all idea about how things are for me at the moment and why I’m saying that. So don’t be a dick.

Show quote history

If that's how you communicate with your in-laws? 😂

And taking a video personally? You are being ridiculous.
It wasn't convenient, you said no, stop being a drama queen.

Do you have to celebrate every siblings birthday every year with MIL ? Can we not celebrate it / do something special our own way ?
you are obviously in a very bad mood!

Snorlaxo · 26/05/2025 13:50

It’s fine that you and the kids didn’t go (it’s too late for kids that age) but your h should have gone as he know what his sister and mother are like since it’s only 10 mins away.

It’s difficult to comment on attending celebrations at MIL’s house. How old is SIL and has she been hosting these celebrations for decades? In which case, of course MIL is going to be thrown by your h suddenly not attending. I assume she hosts a gathering for your h too in which case accepting hospitality when it’s his birthday but not attending other gatherings is pretty rude. How many birthday gatherings are we talking about - more than one a month?

lap90 · 26/05/2025 13:51

Your MIL sent an invite, you declined, she sent a video in the family group chat - no biggie, nobody is being unreasonable.

MsDDxx · 26/05/2025 13:52

OP, you may need to expand a little on your situation or you’re going to get a lot of grief here I think.

Penthrowingsurvivor · 26/05/2025 13:52

but your h should have gone as he know what his sister and mother are like since it’s only 10 mins away.

Nothing wrong with last minute plans, but no, you never have to go to someone when you're only told the afternoon for the evening.

JellyAnd · 26/05/2025 13:57

Just one of those unfortunate things where they couldn’t do early (FIL’s work) and you couldn’t do late (the kids). I feel sorry for the sister though- if my brother was only 10 mins away and declined a family birthday dinner because he’d rather sit on the sofa at home then I’d be pretty upset.

jeaux90 · 26/05/2025 13:58

No one is being unreasonable apart from your use of solo parenting. I’m a lone parent and this gives me the cringe and rage in equal measures.

Original poster
notgoin · 26/05/2025 14:01

I don’t think MIL needs to be the one to dictate how or what DH does for his sister every year. He’s already got a plan. It doesn’t make him a dick that he didn’t go, this once.

OP posts:
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