To have said no to going over to MIL for dinner last night ?

[notgoin]

it was SIL’s birthday at the weekend. MIL invited us to her house yesterday afternoon, for around 8:30 pm dinner. FIL works on Sundays and doesn’t get back until then.

we declined. We have two kids, 4 and 2.

we’ve had a full on weekend with them and I am solo parenting today, with both at home and I’ve also been unwell over the weekend. We just wanted to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and not go over there for dinner at 8:30 pm. We only live 10 minutes away, but like I said- it was a rough weekend and we just wanted to get the kids by 8 pm and chill out a bit.

I know MIL would feel aggrieved by this for sure. She immediately sent a video of the cake and singing for SIL to the family group ( we were the only ones who didn’t go ).

am I unreasonable to just do something for SIL ourselves and not always take part in these celebrations that MIL hosts ? I usually take a card and a present to her or take her out for a spa day or afternoon tea. Which is what I’ve offered to do this time.

I personally would have compromised. I’d have told MIL up front that the kids are asleep by 7 or 8 or whenever their bedtime is which leaves room for that compromise: “We’ll come for the afternoon to celebrate SIL. I’m going to get the kids home for bath and bed by 6. Husband will stay on for dinner with the family.”

Easy solution. Everyone’s happy. Birthdays aren’t every day and this is the area where you have to give a little while also setting a healthy boundary.

I’m a much older woman, OP and my kids are grown. But I can feel that you’re spread thin. Nothing’s as exhausting as those early years and you spend so much of your time being active. Also, living near in-laws isn’t a cake walk. Let’s be honest. 😬
It’ll all calm down over the years. But for now, it’s essential to set your boundaries while also giving extended family that bit of loving support. Birthdays matter. Choose your battles. Know when to say ‘no’ but leave room for compromise always.

You didn’t want to go! That’s fine don’t go. Simply saying sorry bit too late for the kids but you guys have fun was enough. If you want it be offended by the video then be offended. Sounds like your in-laws can’t win with you

We usually go to these things, even when it really doesn’t suit us at all. I’m just trying to look after myself a bit more as I’m unwell and it’s all a lot at the moment. I don’t want to be made to feel like we did something wrong by turning it down this once.

we have plans with SIL and are caring of her. It’s just a lot at the moment. We both felt bad about the whole thing and worse when we were sent the video and also no acknowledgement or understanding of why we didn’t come. We did explain.

They were not unreasonable to invite, you were not unreasonable to decline, they were not unreasonable to send the video.

What a drama about nothing.

This!

constant use of solo 🎻

Try not to worry too much OP. Nothing terrible has happened in the least. Life is just so full on when you have a young family and extended family nearby. It’s a lovely blessing but a tiring one! 😅

Drip feed incoming!

Perfectly reasonable not to go for dinner so late with little ones.

I’d try to take the video at face value and say you are glad everyone had fun, DC were fast asleep by then but you’re looking forward to catching up soon.

@notgoin I think you would have had less grief on this thread if you had stated in your first post that you aren't well.

On the face of it, it doesn't sound like your MIL has made an unreasonable request. All you needed to say was "that doesn't work for us".

Does she even know you aren't well?

Unfortunately, lots of posters will only read your first post then stick the boot in, so please ignore them.

I hope you feel better soon 💐

@RampantIvy In fairness to the OP she did state in her 1st post she wasn't well.

I stand corrected
If MIL knew this she shouldn't have said anything.

It was fine for you not to go.
It was also fine for MIL to send you the video and to maybe a bit upset that her son wasn't there.

It all sounds like a big drama over nothing, tbh.

I think it was fine to decline under these particular circumstances. I don’t think you should always do separate things for your SIL’s birthday though. Unless there’s a reason not to participate, whole family celebrations are good for bonding and create nice memories for the children.

I would respond with…
“Thank you so much for the video, looks like you had a lovely time 🥳 we’re so pleased for you all. Hopefully next year we can arrange a mutually agreeable time so we and the children can join in the fun. Happy birthday! 🎂 xxxx”