Aibu to wish that people would not ask me this?

[Nudelipgloss]

Around 22 years ago I was in a very violent and abusive relationship for a couple of years. It was horrific.

Long story short I got pregnant, I was young and naive, the abuse got even worse. He then cheated on me and went off with another woman while I was heavily pregnant. It was the most awful time of my life. I got myself together went back to work after mat leave, found a little house to rent near my mum and dad. He saw the baby a handful of times for a few months, never sent a penny our way for anything, stole from us instead, but there were lots of threats to take the baby and how he was going to bring the baby up with his new girlfriend then flipping to begging to get back together, then he would threaten to burn my house down with me in it. Police involved, all just horrible.

Eventually after a few months he got bored and I simply never saw or heard from him again.

Since then I’ve bought a house in a different town, have been very happily married for 15 years, had another child. Completely moved on to the point that I can go days and forget it all ever happened. The baby is of course grown up now.

Everyone close to me knows about what happened and that ex has been an absent father and that my husband has brought my child up as a step parent.

Yet I still get people asking me if I ever see or hear from my ex as if it’s as normal as asking if I’ve had a cup of tea.

It makes me cringe and shudder a bit.

Aibu to think that it’s insensitive and people should know better than to bring it up?

Seems like a perfectly normal question to me.

Really? I haven’t heard from him in 22 years.

Why do people still ask?

YANBU

My first instinct is that some people are:
Nosey
Keen for drama
Not really friends if they know it upsets you, but they still regularly bring him into conversation.

It's really not a normal question to ask. He was horribly abusive, this isn't casual wondering about an ex you just grew apart from. I'd be answering with a sharp, 'No thankfully not. I hope I never have to interact with him again and I'd kindly ask you to stop bringing it up'

Big hugs for you you. I'm sorry you have inconsiderate people in your life.

People are nosy and like to gossip. I think it’s awful, it’s never people who you’re close to or people who care, it’s insensitive and it’s rude. I’m sorry you’ve been through such a shit time OP. You need to find a response that shuts them up, or just smile and ignore, don’t answer.

He’s the father of your child, as opposed to a distant and forgotten ex boyfriend. I think it’s highly likely that he’ll turn up at some point even if it’s to ask to borrow money off his adult child 😬
It’s fair to feel your friends are insensitive for asking, but it’s not a mystery as to why they would ask

No Yanbu. People who haven’t been through trauma don’t understand that people don’t like to be reminded of it. Dropping it into conversation as casually as asking where you’re going on your holidays is insensitive and can be triggering. Just assume ignorance op. They are lucky that they don’t understand.

Are these people well aware of your history, like really close friends and family, or are they people who wouldn't necessarily know? If they know your child is from a previous relationship (which they obviously do) then it's fairly reasonable to assume you or your son are to some degree still in touch. But if they know the whole back story and are asking anyway then what the hell's wrong with them.

Thanks, this exactly. It takes a lot to rebuild yourself.

I’m glad others agree that it’s body and insensitive.

It doesn’t feel as though people ask out of concern, especially as everyone knows how much time has passed. It feels like people are hoping for a bit of gossip and drama out of mine and my child’s suffering.

You might want to think before saying things like that, then 😊

Those asking are obviously not close friends, who probably didn’t know about the violence or had forgotten about it given the amount of time.
I still get it about my own father who I last saw when I was 4, indeed it is cringe and I cut down the conversation ASAP as it makes me so uncomfortable

Yes I’m talking close friends and family.

They are well aware of what went on.

I think everyone has something that they don't like talking about and I think the best thing to do is have a short answer ready to go. Just something as simple as no he wasn't a nice person. As for people asking questions I kind of see it from both sides I have some self harm scars and I honestly wish people wouldn't ask especially strangers or question why I'm wearing long sleeves in summer but at the same time i would hate for people not to talk to me or make conversation as their to scared to say the wrong thing.

Tbh I would ask this without a second thought probably because most of the time exs are in the picture so it would be most likely most people do still see their children’s father around (my parents have been divorced over 20 but still see each other graduation, weddings, children’s birthdays etc)

For me that question is in the category of wait for the other person to bring up the subject.

That update completely changes my opinion. I had assumed it was new acquaintances who were asking a perfectly normal question, probably wondering if your first dc saw their birth father.

But it's a terrible thing for close friends and family who are aware of your traumatic past to ask. Absolutely no excuse for it.

‘I’d rather not talk about him, if you don’t mind.’

IMO when people ask this kind of question they’re just being nosy and it’s not rude to refuse to discuss the topic.

As you can see from my op this is very far from a normal situation and my close friends and family are well aware of what went on and that we haven’t been in touch for over 20 years.

in what way? How is it anyone’s business?

I have just responded with a short answer of “ no I haven’t and I’d rather not think about it”.

I’m just surprised that certain people still continue to bring it up after so long and knowing how horrific it all was.

Yeah after reading your update and that it's actually family and friends asking this it is weird I assumed you meant acquaintances.

Much empathy from me @Nudelipgloss I had almost exactly the same the only difference being that he was sporadically in touch (the restraining order had expired and in a weak moment I thought my DS would want contact), but I still didn’t want to talk about him (or to him) so I became very adept at shutting down nosey people’s attempts to discuss him or the situation. Very weirdly when he died the question switched to whether I’d seen or heard from his relatives, some people just can’t help themselves being intrusive.

Then yanbu! They should feel ashamed of themselves. Please tell them to not ever mention anything about him ever again (you can do this by text/mail if easier because you have been struggling to get to where you are today and it's a trauma you like to leave behind you. I can't believe how people who know what happened can be so insensitive. Sorry OP..

I wouldn’t keep asking you this question if I knew you. I think it’s insensitive and I would assume that if you had heard from him, and you wanted to talk about it then you would tell me