Aibu to wish that people would not ask me this?

32 replies

Nudelipgloss · 25/05/2025 17:26

Around 22 years ago I was in a very violent and abusive relationship for a couple of years. It was horrific.

Long story short I got pregnant, I was young and naive, the abuse got even worse. He then cheated on me and went off with another woman while I was heavily pregnant. It was the most awful time of my life. I got myself together went back to work after mat leave, found a little house to rent near my mum and dad. He saw the baby a handful of times for a few months, never sent a penny our way for anything, stole from us instead, but there were lots of threats to take the baby and how he was going to bring the baby up with his new girlfriend then flipping to begging to get back together, then he would threaten to burn my house down with me in it. Police involved, all just horrible.

Eventually after a few months he got bored and I simply never saw or heard from him again.

Since then I’ve bought a house in a different town, have been very happily married for 15 years, had another child. Completely moved on to the point that I can go days and forget it all ever happened. The baby is of course grown up now.

Everyone close to me knows about what happened and that ex has been an absent father and that my husband has brought my child up as a step parent.

Yet I still get people asking me if I ever see or hear from my ex as if it’s as normal as asking if I’ve had a cup of tea.

It makes me cringe and shudder a bit.

Aibu to think that it’s insensitive and people should know better than to bring it up?

OP posts:

Tarotwithaball · 25/05/2025 19:09

If they are close friends and family, and know that for over a decade you haven't been in touch then yes its really odd of them. I ask "have you heard from so and so" where I know people might be occasionally in touch, or where a recent life event might have prompted contact.

Not where I know that it's been 15 years, the person was an absolute rat and you haven't mentioned them.

LeaveALittleNote · 25/05/2025 19:12

Hmm I’d probably ask this question as a way of letting you know you can talk about it if you want to. I’d also not realise that this would be so triggering for you. It’s not a judgey question.

JDM625 · 25/05/2025 19:41

It does seem odd that close family that know the history would ask this! I'd likely reply something like 'You are well aware of the history, I'd prefer not to have to keep discussing it!' Change subject. Or ask them 'why do you ask then when you know the history???'.

I thought you meant randoms or people that don't know the history are asking. I personally wouldn't assume an abusive reason for leaving! My mum was widowed in her 30's and DH's parents divorced when he was 4, because they were young parents and just grew apart. There are other reasons to be a single parent or children with various father's, but in my case, violence wouldn't be my 1st thought.

Endofyear · 25/05/2025 21:29

Who specifically is asking you this and how often? If they know what an awful time you had, it seems intrusive and insensitive of them to ask. I would just say No and change the subject. If they persist I would be very blunt and say I don't want to discuss this. Walk away if you have to.

BustingBaoBun · 25/05/2025 21:33

After a couple of decades I think it is an awful question to ask! It's a sensitive subject and people are just being nosy.

EllasNonny · 25/05/2025 21:59

They're disgusting if they know the facts. I assumed you meant vague acquaintances who were making small talk. I would probably be quite rude and leave them in no uncertain terms that they're not to bring it up ever again.

Grendel7 · 27/05/2025 10:40