To ask you about the times you left behind friends who couldn't get their s*** together?

[Summerloveunderthetrees]

Just that really. Was it because they didn't want help, or CONSTANTLY wanted help and never changed? Or you realised they were just wanting to moan all the time and not take action?

You gave them help and they self sabotaged on the help and took it for granted?

The help was always one sided?

Or you just got tired of how uninspiring it all is?.

What do you think it was on their part- enjoying being in victim/helplessness mode, something else?

I'm trying to fathom why so many of my friendships have been like this, and now I've cut a few out and on the verge of cutting one more out.

(Sorry for the poll, they seem to be un-removable these days).

Many people go through a phase in their life where they feel helpless. It might even happen to you OP. Giving advice or even help very rarely changes things.
If you don’t mind giving endless support then carry on. If you don’t like it, then distance yourself and stop. The point is, there’s nothing you can do to change how they feel or act. You have to decide what you can put up with and then put that into action.
If you carry on complaining or criticising them (even behind their back) then you are positioning yourself as a victim too.

The thing is, I have been through very difficult things. Hence maybe having longer than usual support and compassion for them. Some of them worse things than the people complaining, but I always looked for a solution, a way out and never burdened others with it. I have some difficulties in my life today, but spend every day looking for solutions. I've never criticized or complained about them either- only explained briefly to other mutual friends at the end of it, why I had to distance myself from that or those friends.

I do have every right to process the situations with outsiders, as I extract myself from them though...

anyway, the question was wanting to hear examples from other people with similar experiences. It helps me a lot to have a mirror or an example to learn from.

From experience....
You will get people in life that see themselves as one of life's victims yet can't seem to see that they are the maker of their own problems. Their life's a car crash and it's always someone else fault, never their own.

These type are the one's that the more you do for them the more they expect and want from you, you could give your all and it still wouldn't be enough for them.
A Cuckoo in the nest.

May be many years of helping them or a few weeks but those are the ones you let go on their way as they'll soon find someone else to harp on to....
While probably slating you off in the mean time.

You just have to whittle out those from the ones that are dealt a bad hand and just need a step up while not let anyone expect more from you than you willing can do.

I have a dear friend who has become a very bad traveller as she's anxious about everything. I no longer travel with her because as I have told her, we are travel incompatible. But I still meet her for meals and go to her house.
Can you do this?

Not a friend but I have a family member like this and it’s very draining and frustrating. They definitely suffer from MN issues and alcoholism but any suggestion of help (counselling, GP etc) falls on deaf ears as though it is more shameful and troublesome to actually seek professional help than it is to carry on like this. I think they are the sort of person who has always had someone there to do things for them and now they are on their own it’s just easier for them to become a victim than it is to navigate life solo. For example they’d never think to plan a day out or a holiday because it’s always been done for them so as a consequence they don’t go anywhere, get depressed because they have nothing to look forward to and the cycle continues.

Because it’s a close family member I can’t cut them off but I’ve had to put boundaries in place for my own sanity. Only the person involved can decide if they actually want to change so it’s pointless getting stressed about it. If I had a friend like it and no obligation to continue with the relationship then I’d probably take a step back too. Life is hard enough without having to unsuccessfully solve other people’s issues too.

Yes, I find this happens in your late thirties/forties. I had a friend, we'd been "going out" friends in London and once there was less going out and more chatting over drinks, I came to realise how 90% of our conversations were taken up with her constant (self-provoked) dramas, how everything had to be viewed through the prism of her, how I was some kind of support friend with no agency or interest myself.

I got rid. Just saw her less and less, never instigated meet ups, then left London 😆

I had a problem where I was a bit of a fixer in relationships. I’d endlessly empathise offer advice that would never be taken, have my own boundaries, limits and needs ignored and superceeded.

A few former friends of mine engaged in the opposing behaviour which was what made us compatible to begin with and once I noticed my own patterns, I stopped doing my side and we were no longer compatible as friends. These patterns have to happen on both sides to be happening and I found it helps to focus on your own side of the fence and what you need to address in yourself and see if the friendship can withstand the changes. Often if it is bad enough, they won’t.

the one that never wanted to drive, but always criticised my driving - or was too impatient to let me program the satnav & then gave crap directions.
I stopped at the side of the road, asked her to get out, haven't seen her since.

It was close-ish to a bus stop.

As you get older you realize that some people are just recreating their old patterns of trauma. When they start doing well they shoot themselves in the foot and return to their familiar levels of stress and misery. I had a friend who I kept trying to help through difficult times until I realized she always ended up in exactly the same circumstances wherever she went. I realized it didn’t make any difference if I helped her or not. It also made me realize why Buddhist monks go and live on top of mountains.

I had a friend who had mental health issues for which she wasn't willing/ready to accept professional help. She would call or message me at all hours of the day and night saying she was suicidal then turn her phone off for hours, at some point I'd get a breezy, casual message saying something along the lines of "sorry I didnt reply I was asleep/in the pub/working don't worry I'm feeling much better now". She would get very annoyed if I wasn't available to talk or meet up and when we did meet up she never asked me about myself, my family or anything really, just talked 'at' me about her work problems, relationship problems or whichever family member she had recently fallen out with. Eventually I realised it didn't feel like a friendship, it felt like I was being used as free therapy. I let the friendship drift because I knew that trying to talk to her about it would be met with a big emotional reaction but no attempt to change.

So true. I have long since stopped trying to help people. It's hard enough helping my own DC!

I've had to step back from one friend

I met her 10 years ago when she was dating the biggest wanker known to man

He left her for another woman and she banged on about him for years,she refused to let go,even though she was the one to end it (he'd been knocking the ow off when she said 'enough is enough,we are over' and ow came out of the woodwork)

Every single message I got from her was 'him/her/his family' (for ten years-many times a day-i don't care!)

It got boring and draining having to say 'block him/her and get on with your life'

She'd swear she had,but either hadn't or had unblocked them again

She then met another bloke who is the same (only wants her for a fuck once a week) and I've said to walk away so many times but she says she will,then shags him again

Then I get the tears and 'I've told him it's over'

Til the following week,when she shows up for his shag,she does it and then off he goes again

She had some things to do for work,I offered to help as she's not very technical and she said yes

Long story short,she lost her job over this but it was everyone else's fault-all she had to do is message me and arrange to meet for a coffee-i would have sorted it (and I did ask but she was always 'busy'i know lots of people offered to help)

She lost her step father due to covid but it was all her mothers fault for her not going to the funeral as her mum refused to pick her up to take her (she lives about a 5/10 minute walk away from where it was held)

She's forever falling out with people but it's never her fault-it's a classic case of she pokes the bear but acts amazed when it bites back

It's got back to me that she's been slagging me off behind my back while being nice to my face

It's draining and I'm done

Great post, makes so much sense. I can smell these people now and dodge them!

And to add,she has no interest in my life at all

She just spoke at me all the bloody time-dp calls it 'me,myself and I syndrome'

My ds got married and had his first baby (my fisrt grandchild) and she doesn't have a clue as she's not interested enough to find out

I'm not here to be her sounding board

I've found that some people like to talk about their woe with no intention of ever wanting to change things. I leave them to it.
Professionally I work with those leaving prison. Here many of them have become very happy to pass the responsibility of life onto others. Such as, expecting housing to always be provided to them no matter how many times they fail to pay rent/ damage the property/ not follow the reasonable rules of the agreement that they signed, complain about contents of their foodbank parcel, sign up to but don't attend the courses that provide a guaranteed interview, think that calling 1 recruitment agency once should be enough to get a job. They will all swear blind that they want to change.
Can you tell I'm burnt out?!

Yes I dumped my group of former school friends aged 26 cos they were excruciatingly immature for their age

Yes sadly. I do miss her but being begged at for money constantly takes a toll

I got so severely burned by one of these in my 30s I vowed to never do anything for anyone else ever again. I have of course but I have an eye in the back of my head now.

She was a co-worker and I became friends with her and helped her find a place to live. I then helped her furnish it and....well it just went on and on.

I overheard her talking about me in a bar one evening and I realised she had taken me for a mug from the outset.

She is one of those people that never learned to be an adult. She is genuinely helpless but I decided to stop making that my problem. She lost her house and moved into a caravan in a friends yard and lost that too. I have no idea what happened to her and after what I heard her say about me, I don't give a shit.

I've been friends with two different women who were perpetual victims. It was exhausting and annoying. Everything is someone else's fault and their feelings are continuously hurt! They are usually very selfish people, as they think of no one else but themselves! I can't be bothered with people like that on a long term basis, especially when nothing's happened to make them behave that way. Usually it's learned behaviour, negative reactions for attentions sake.

I think there's a difference between people who struggle a bit but are constantly trying and those who are almost invested in misery. I have a couple of friends who are genuinely unlucky but are constantly trying to pick themselves up. I never get fed up with them. But the ones who abdicate all responsibility for their own lives are just tiresome.

Had one of these too, unfortunately it's a family member but I just found so much peace without them in my life . Poor mental health and alcohol are not good bedfellows . Even rehab didn't improve their attitude they came out expecting everyone to rush to them rather than them reaching out . Same old abusive messages ,threatening suicide and back drinking .

must be so exhausting never being able to make a breakthrough with them!

I had a friend who was so involved in her own web of misery it was painful. She was incapable of being proactive and taking action about anything. She refused proper MH support which she clearly needed and was determined to just keep dumping her crap onto me. She’d turn up at mine and just talk at me for hours. She wouldn’t leave when asked. I eventually started to arrange to meet her only at cafes so I could leave on my terms and she took the hump.

She started out in my life as such a positive and caring person and but eventually she sucked the friendship dry like a vampire. Turns out others had the same experience!

@CatOnAHotRadiator i had a similar friend who would come across very kind and caring. after a while, i realised she was using my own situation to validate herself from not taking action on her own- like 'oh it's just so hard isn't it, but you're doing great as it is. it's the same for me and that's why i'm stuck xyz'...... but the funny thing was, was that i'd only be trying to share my positive steps out of the situation, and i noticed i wasn't feeling good after the conversations.