To ask you about the times you left behind friends who couldn't get their s*** together?

[Summerloveunderthetrees]

Just that really. Was it because they didn't want help, or CONSTANTLY wanted help and never changed? Or you realised they were just wanting to moan all the time and not take action?

You gave them help and they self sabotaged on the help and took it for granted?

The help was always one sided?

Or you just got tired of how uninspiring it all is?.

What do you think it was on their part- enjoying being in victim/helplessness mode, something else?

I'm trying to fathom why so many of my friendships have been like this, and now I've cut a few out and on the verge of cutting one more out.

(Sorry for the poll, they seem to be un-removable these days).

I had a friend like this. She always had some drama going on. Couldn’t hold down a job - despite being well educated and intelligent, she had never been able to hold down a permanent job even though she was mid 30s when I met her. Largely because of the job situation she never really had many stable places to live, and she would always somehow fall out with the people she was living with. Sooner or later, every person she met turned against her. She didn’t get on with any of her family, to the point she spent several Christmases alone despite having a big family living locally. Her sister in particular once told her “with you it’s always someone else’s fault”…

I couldn’t understand it, but figured most of the above was due to some fairly significant health issues she’d had going on - and I’m sure those did play a part. When I met her she helped me through my separation and divorce, she was my rock basically.

Then she had another accommodation drama and so I invited her to stay with me for awhile. Huge mistake. We had a minor falling out - which I wasn’t blameless in - but after that she treated me like shit despite the fact she was still living with me rent free. She insulted me saying I had “no interests or hobbies” (I’m a single parent with not a lot of free time!), and that i was incapable of holding down an “intellectual conversation” 😂 She accused me of “sitting outside her room trying to get her attention” when I had woken up in the middle of the night with a migraine and went to sit on the stairs (the top of the stairs just happened to be next to her room), insulted my appearance (weight/hair), had a go at me for not “supervising my children” because I allowed my then 8 year old to go downstairs and help himself to a bowl of cereal while I was getting dressed… I have more examples but that period when I was gently coaxing her to move out was one of the worst of my life!! Thank goodness she did eventually go after 18 months of taking advantage 🥱 but of course that was fraught with more drama, she didn’t leave when she said she would, blaming other people.

It was like her sister said, it’s always someone else’s fault. She had no ability to self reflect.

I realise now, looking back, that if she thinks you are worth her time she will treat you as if you are her most special friend, trust you with all of her sob stories, and that’s how she reels you in. As soon as she realises you are a human being with faults who also makes mistakes, or that she can’t get anything more from you, she turns nasty.

I haven’t heard from her since the day she moved out. No doubt she’s found someone else to leech off! I often wonder if she’s managed to find work - if not, it’ll be 5 years now since she had any kind of job. Of course, she’s blameless in the situation.

Oh man, there's been a few. I'm a big rock music fan and have been since I was a teenager. But in my 20s I fell into a crowd who bought into the "sex, drugs, rock and roll" lifestyle - I'm not sure how as I've never even been a drinker, let alone anything else 🤣 But I clicked with a lot of them and we were like family. Most grew out of it but not all.

There's a guy I've been friends with since I was 13 (he was 16) and jesus the shite he'd get into. His family were a fecking disaster and people would joke I'd basically adopted him. I walked him to a therapy session, helped him with job seekers paperwork, lent him money, the lot. And he wasn't an arsehole or anything, he'd been at my hospital bed, always made sure I got home etc, he was just absolutely all over the place.

Things took a turn after I got married (after he and my brother were ushers at the wedding!) He got very weird, would come over to the house and be a prick, lost 2 jobs because he was mouthing off to his bosses and fell in with this awful girl and they'd just get drunk and high and kick off over nothing. His mum even called me begging me to "sort it out" but he was past listening and I was done.

He actually got in touch a couple of years ago (after a mutual friend told me he'd sorted himself out) and we talk again now and see eachother at mutual friends get togethers etc. It feels quite nice being sorted of friends again, but he'll never "get his shite together" I don't think. He lives with a friend, has a part time cleaning job and doesn't indulge anywhere like he used to. For now... But I do worry how he'll get on further down the line, I don't think he could live on his own and look after himself.

It's sad really, some people just don't seem to be built for the world.

I know another girl who was going the same way, but she has a supportive family who managed to eventually get her help. She lives with her mum and her sister, husband and 3 kids live just down the road - she helps look after all the kids, does the housework and batch cooks for a homeless charity. She doesn't go out much as it's too much for her, but she has a sense of purpose and man those kids adore her. I see her regularly and it's always nice catching up with her!

One was a university friend whose life consisted of a lot of hash-smoking and temp jobs at a time when I was getting myself together. It was the way she’d drawl on about waiting for a really great job to come along, joint in hand. I started to see that she wasn’t ever going to work towards anything, as she hadn’t really worked towards her degree, and I found it so boring that I just didn’t contact her when I moved so we lost touch.

Another was someone who is always ready with a sad story about being alone, but I can see that she’s alone because she talks and thinks about herself all the time.

I have a friend who is a perpetual victim. In general I'm not always sure where I fall between the conclusion that someone who says everyone is an asshole is probably the asshole or the understanding that abusers know who is best to victimise. I hear about most of it second hand anyway so who knows.

I've decided that I'm not going to offer advice, just listening and sympathy as that feels less frustrating. I'm not always a fan of the fixer approach myself, sometimes people do just need to express negative emotions without expecting you to solve it. Some people's advice is crap and they get really offended when you don't take it.

Ah yes, I had a similar role for a while. My conclusion was that trying to help these people as adults was pretty futile- there should have been a lot more intervention in their early years. Not all of them, but most.

Yes , I have left a long standing friendship that I was very close to .

I miss her sometimes, but in myself I feel so much better not being involved in her constant drama (a lot of times made worse then it needed to be)

sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not there supporting, but she quickly found another muppet to do childcare/ pet sitting and a million other things

I have wondered if I’m a bad friend from bowing out of what might have been a bit of a break down, but her behaviour was destructive and occasionally illegal and didn’t align with my values shall we say ?

I hope her life has settled down in the last few years, but I imagine that she will continually cycle .

sometimes I think you need to put your own mental health and family first

I once had a very supportive friend and I relied on her too much...the last straw was I expected her to help me organise my small child's birthday party on the day, having done it three years running. She announced she was going to just drop her child off this year and leave me to it, and the penny dropped! I managed and it taught me a lesson.
Good friends don't have to do EVERYTHING! Tbh I think she was a natural "rescuer".
In turn I have found myself becoming a rescuer and feeling very responsible for the happiness of others in some situation over ten years period, disproportionate to their understanding of what this was costing me emotionally. I had to "let someone down", they wanted to stay for a week, were tone deaf about my reasons for saying no. They were shocked /furious and didn't speak for a year and a half. But when we got back in touch (their choice) I like to feel they had learnt their own coping techniques and this had been a turning point.
Rescuing people constantly is not supportive.

I do think there is a kind of ruthlessness that afflicts people, particularly when they have their own shit to deal with (work, family, finances) which can make them reluctant to do the smallest thing for you, for fear of you asking for more.
i think people are worried about how to set boundaries and so they end up just opting out of kindness and neighbourliness completely, whilst on paper being all for these qualities, but only to the deserving.

Cadburyegg omgoodness 18 months! I couldn't cope with a week!

I had a close friend once - who was always having some sort of issue.

Now they were real issues. This is the thing. Abusive partner. Health issues requiring surgery (multiple) work issues etc etc. So so many

I supported her through them all without question.

Many years later - I became unwell and while she did have some important things going on in her life by then - children - it was very very apparent that no support was forthcoming for me.

Unfortunately I was ill for some time, with surgery and a permanent diagnosis. I expected that at some point after her child was born she would at least text to ask how I was. Even if months later.

Nope. Nothing. She had her perfect setup now and didn’t want to be bothered with her friend of a decade anymore.

Ive eventually just blocked her. I’ve never spoken to her again.

I was thinking the same @cadburyegg how did you manage to not kick her out sooner?

Yeah I had a friend who would basically get bored if there wasn’t some drama going on. She would create the drama herself just to have something to do.

Some of her classic things were leaving jobs at the drop of a hat. Changing relationships constantly, including marrying someone then promptly leaving him after they had spent £25k. Moving countries several times, not to mention moves within the UK. Career changes multiple times. Pissing people off my not showing up. Untreated health issues that then became major issues eg not going to the dentist with a small toothache that then develops into a massive abscess etc.

This sort of behaviour you can get away with for a bit when you’re young. After a while it gets really boring. Nothing was ever quite right. She always wanted to change something major about her life.