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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss dd's school presentation or AIBU to change booked plans with friend

67 replies

Applepea1 · 25/05/2025 13:30

In October last year I booked some European concerts for June. Somehow I've only just realised one of these coincides with a school event, where all the year 8's do presentations, to small groups, of a project they have been working on for months. My daughter has done a lot of research and work on this. She was very upset when we realised I was away and I feel terrible for missing it. Her dad and older sister will be going.
I'll be in Vienna and have VIP tickets 2 nights in a row (rising superfan), booked flights and accommodation with a friend. I love their gigs so much, the same set 2 nights in a row does not detract anything from the experience.
The dilemma is, if I come home a day early and miss the 2nd concert, I could be back for the presentations as it's after school. Should I?
I would obviously lose money and spend more on a different flight, but my main concern over this would be changing the plans with my friend, which would also make me feel guilty.
Either way I feel I'm letting someone down.
Just to add we are a neurodivergant family.

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 25/05/2025 13:48

I wouldn't.
I think it's really important for women to demonstrate to children that, while they might be the most important thing in your life, that isn't the same as them being the only important thing in your life - that you have relationships and interests and responsibilities outside of being just "mum," and those matter too.

It's also important to demonstrate that once you've made plans with someone you shouldn't then drop them at a later date when you get a better/different offer.

Some kids won't have anyone there at all, either because their parents aren't bothered, or don't have childcare for younger siblings, or work shifts. She'll have two family members, that's more than enough, and she can tell you all about it when you come home.

If I was your friend I'd completely understand if you changed plans if your dd was a finalist in some sort of national competition, but for a random internal school project in Year 8, I'd be a bit annoyed, tbh.

MinPinSins · 25/05/2025 13:50

It wouldn't occur to me to change my plans. She's got a parent (and a sister as a bonus there) it's attended. It's understandable that she's disappointed, she's a young teenager, but both parents for a not hugely significant year 8 presentation isn't the norm/necessary. Whilst of course I'd be understanding of her disappointment, this seems like a great learning opportunity that your plans matter too.

evtheria · 25/05/2025 13:52

I wouldn’t, and I’m the parent who (due to schedules as well as personal preference) shows up to every single school thing. She will have her dad and her sibling there, it’s “just” Y8, and you’ve booked a pretty expensive and special event.

What Thea has said is an excellent point too, re her father’s presence

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/05/2025 13:53

I agree with PP. I don't think it's really healthy for children to know that their parents will re arrange a long planned holiday just because of a date clash with something that isn't a complete one off (like a graduation or wedding). If I was your friend I'd struggle to forgive being ditched on a weekend away for a year 8 school presentation

CassieAusten · 25/05/2025 13:58

Yes definitely keep your plans and don't let your friend down. Your daughter will have her father and sister there. I also wouldn't spend too much time telling her what a shame it is and how sorry you are etc - I would be saying in a breezy way that you will want to hear all about it when you're back but the more you make a big deal about not being there, the more it becomes a big deal to her.

TheaBrandt1 · 25/05/2025 14:00

Also don’t berate yourself or hand wring over it to her. A cheery “oh shame about the clash but dad and sister will be there and I can’t wait to hear all about it”

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 25/05/2025 14:00

If you are seeing the same concert two nights in a row, I would leave to see my daughter.

Readytohealnow · 25/05/2025 14:03

Her dad and sister are going!
Sorry she’s being a bit spoilt and manipulative. Life isn’t all about her and it’s not like it’s her graduation!

Hankunamatata · 25/05/2025 14:08

Dad and sister will be there. No I wouldn't chnage plans

Original poster
Applepea1 · 25/05/2025 14:09

Thank you everyone for your kind comments 😊

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 25/05/2025 14:17

Stick with your plans and don't cancel the trip. Her dad and sister are going and it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme.

Trickabrick · 25/05/2025 14:19

CyberStrider · 25/05/2025 13:33

For a random year 8 presentation where her Dad and sister are attending anyway I wouldn't be changing plans that involved flights and hotels

Totally agree with this.

beAsensible1 · 25/05/2025 14:21

dont change your plans, its a presentation not graduation and her father will be there. It’s not realistic for your both to be at everything, share the load and let your daughter see that as well

Olika · 25/05/2025 14:22

Don’t cancel. Her dad and sister will be there.

blackbird77 · 25/05/2025 14:29

Don’t even consider it. Agree with all the posters above. All sensible comments. Don’t cancel. It would be unfair and hurtful to your friend. It’s a random unimportant Y8 presentation. She has other family members there. These things happen all the time in life. Parents miss kids performances, open evenings, award ceremonies etc. all the time. It’s just a fact of life. If you make a big deal out of it, she will make a big deal out of it.

Don’t handwring about this to your child either or apologise profusely. As others have said, just say “that’s a shame, tell me about it when I get back!” It is extremely important and healthy for children to see their mothers have passions and hobbies and interests that are valuable and that sometimes these should take priority over a child activity or interest.

hedgerunner · 25/05/2025 14:32

No way would I change those plans for a year 8 presentation. She will have her dad and sister there.

Cynic17 · 25/05/2025 14:38

CyberStrider · 25/05/2025 13:33

For a random year 8 presentation where her Dad and sister are attending anyway I wouldn't be changing plans that involved flights and hotels

Exactly this. She needs to understand that you have made a commitment.
And what is this need to have entire families at everything anyway? It's just not practical.

LucyMonth · 25/05/2025 14:39

Could her Dad have you on a (silent) FaceTime call during the presentation? I think that would be sweet to let your DD know you really care and want to see her presentation without the expense and hassle of changing such significant plans.

Vienna is my favourite big European city! Enjoy!

Clockpic · 25/05/2025 14:42

I think as you can come back 1 day early and still see the presentation you should do that.

Whyherewego · 25/05/2025 14:47

No need to change plans. Dad and sis are there. That's enough

Oganesson118 · 25/05/2025 15:13

Applepea1 · 25/05/2025 13:30

In October last year I booked some European concerts for June. Somehow I've only just realised one of these coincides with a school event, where all the year 8's do presentations, to small groups, of a project they have been working on for months. My daughter has done a lot of research and work on this. She was very upset when we realised I was away and I feel terrible for missing it. Her dad and older sister will be going.
I'll be in Vienna and have VIP tickets 2 nights in a row (rising superfan), booked flights and accommodation with a friend. I love their gigs so much, the same set 2 nights in a row does not detract anything from the experience.
The dilemma is, if I come home a day early and miss the 2nd concert, I could be back for the presentations as it's after school. Should I?
I would obviously lose money and spend more on a different flight, but my main concern over this would be changing the plans with my friend, which would also make me feel guilty.
Either way I feel I'm letting someone down.
Just to add we are a neurodivergant family.

I'd just go to one concert and come back for my kid's presentation. Don't understand why you need to go to the same concert twice and if my daughter was very upset then I'd make that compromise.

Apparently I'm in a massive minority here so this may also have to do with me not being that bothered about concerts and fangirling.

TheaBrandt1 · 25/05/2025 15:32

Yes you are in a minority. Can’t you switch out concerts to something you enjoy and have spent a significant amount of money on and have a friend relying on you who has also presumably spent money based on your commitment to go? I think it would be quite unfair on the friend to bail for this reason.

Howdoesithappenlikethis · 25/05/2025 15:36

No I wouldn't come back, they are usually only short and soon forgotten about tbh. Get her dad to live stream it to you.

Koalafan · 25/05/2025 15:40

You wouldn't be unreasonable to go on a trip you'd already planned, especially if other family members can see her presentation. That said, will you end up feeling like you should be there, regardless of knowing it's ok not to be?

CrazyGoatLady · 25/05/2025 15:41

The school may not allow parents to video or livestream because some parents might not consent to their child being recorded by other adults. The policy at DS2 school is no videoing unless done by school. But I wonder if the school will be videoing them for other parents who can't go? Worth an ask.

I honestly wouldn't change plans and ditch a friend, unless I was the only parent available to go. Her dad and sister will be there, and it will be ok. It is ok to have a life outside being mum, yes, even when our families are ND.