To not mention miscarriage to pregnant friend?

[ScentOverTheEdge]

Hi all. Sorry if this is the wrong forum but need advice. My sister is pregnant, due in July following a miscarriage a few months ago. I’m thinking it would be triggering to mention my friend has just had one too, or am I overthinking? If she asks how my friend is shall I just deflect and not tell her? YABU = Be honest about friend’s MC. YANBU = Deflect and don’t mention MC to her. Thanks in advance x
edited to add - title should say sister!

If someone didn't khow about the pregnancy at all then why would you mention it? Not a rhetorical question, a straight question?

Why would you need to deflect? If she doesn't know your friend was pregnant, it won't come up unless you bring it up. Unless I'm missing something, I would just not bring it up.

Because she knows my friend and has done for years, we’re all fairly close. I am asking for advice about whether it might foster a sense of solidarity as mc can be (completely wrongly) stigmatised and swept under the rug. If society can talk about it more openly and eradicate that sense of secrecy might that be better? As I said, just asking for advice in good faith!

no, I won’t bring it up - I’m asking about if sister asks how friend is. Otherwise, of course I wouldn’t bring it up

Oh, well if your sister didn’t know she was pg, then no, don’t mention her mc.

Just say she’s fine, or she’s been a bit under the weather, or that you don’t no. It’s not your business to tell

Have you had a recent miscarriage too?

I'm not sure this counts as "society" talking more openly about miscarriage to be honest. If my friend had discussed my miscarriage with her sister, I wouldn't have seen it as eradicating secrecy, I would've seen it as being used as a source of gossip.

You can't use your friend's miscarriage to cure society's ills.

It's literally nothing to do with you.

Your friend has a voice. If she's that close to your sister she'll tell her herself if she wants her to know.

Totally, but isn’t society made up of individuals?

Sorry, I feel it’s getting a little personal now. I was asking for advice in good faith but now feel like I’m being insensitive. Not meaning that at all!

Totally, but isn’t society made up of individuals?

Yes but you and your sister are not the individuals that matter when it comes to someone else's miscarriage are you?

Then no! Why would you bring it up?

When I miscarried a close family member was due her baby any day (she didn’t know I was pregnant it was early - 9 weeks) and so I didn’t rush to tell her about my miscarriage because she had a enough going on with her own pregnancy and I didn’t need to put that on her or try to deflect from her happy time in any way.

I also felt it was personal and wanted to keep it private and not have people ‘passing on the news’ etc, I just didn’t want anyone to know about it or talk about it. Everyone is different.

Oh no, I get you're asking in good faith. I would say not for you to share though. It's very personal. If your friend wants to let others know she can do.

I know you mean well but it isn't really something to bring others into. Fine for you to check on her xx

Thing is OP, you are making this about you and your desire to do your part. But actually, to break the stigma you need to actually do you’re part and ask your friend how she is, don’t hide from her because she’s had a miscarriage, or make her a project, because that’s what good friends do. I don’t need anyone to use the loss of my baby as a talking point, I just need my friends to not be afraid to let me discuss it on my terms.

Don’t share other peoples miscarriages with others who are unaware, it’s personal, painful and will look like gossiping.

It's for your friend to choose whether to discuss her miscarriage. She is not responsible for moving society forward while grieving. It's not your place to pass on such awful and personal information, especially to people who weren't close enough to her to know about the pregnancy.

Unfortunately you are being quite insensitive here, although I'm sure it's unintentional. I would find something else to talk about with your sister.

It’s not your news to tell.

I have had two miscarriages. The people I wanted to know were the people I told.
I would hate to think people were taking about my miscarriages behind my back!

But if your sister didn’t know friend was pregnant then there’s nothing to explain.
Sister didn’t know friend was pregnant so why can’t you just say she’s doing good thanks, then talk about something else

I think you're not making the distinction between something that would have been a public occasion for grief within society such as a baby (well, a person of any age living and dying, or usually being born at term), and an earlier miscarriage.

A difference is that a miscarriage is often very sad but it is often not public or marked in the same way. It wouldn't be appropriate to announce both the pregnancy and the fact that it sadly didn't progress to people on behalf of someone else. A lot of parents (not all) at this stage would prefer to maintain some privacy and control over who is aware and what discussions they wish to have. That's not to say they may not need support. But they may not wish to hear about it unexpectedly or from those they have not told themselves.

I told a few people when I had a miscarriage. That made it public knowledge and if someone else I knew had asked someone I had told soon after "how's Dappled?" I would expect the friend who knew to answer with my most recent news, which at the time would have been my miscarriage.

Completely normal to me to talk about it directly and indirectly.

I think you're coming from a perfectly reasonable viewpoint. I would probably answer the question including tne miscarriage if it was me. I wouldn't be overthinking about keeping it a secret unless the other friend had specifically said it was.

But the thread's not about you is it?

If the OP knew it would be 100% ok, she wouldn't have started the thread.

Except she's only not sure about from the point of view of the pregnant friend who might be "triggered". Not sure why. OP doesn’t seem to think friend who has had miscarriage wants it kept secret and unless it's been specifically stated as such I don't think it's unreasonable to assume it isn't a secret

It's not about it being either a clearly marked secret or assumed open season. I think that kind of information would default to to 'private' or 'their business to share' once a miscarriage has happened. For me, 'fine last I heard' is a perfectly sufficient answer.

That’s what people do. Talk. Talk about people they know. Good news, terrible news, sad news. it’s human nature.

I would mention to my Mum or sister things like this all the time. ‘I spoke to Jenny the other day. It’s really sad, she’s lost the baby. Understandably she was upset, she was XX weeks. We’re meeting up next week, so it will be nice to see her.

How is that bad? Obviously if someone said NOT to discuss I wouldn’t dream of it.