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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU yo have a word here?!

47 replies

Mayspring · 25/05/2025 11:17

Please excuse the apparent hot headedness of this post, but something happened yesterday, and I did nothing, but I’ve been thinking and thinking about it and now Im really angry. So my SIL has become increasingly hostile towards me due to a fall-out she has had with her brother. Yes cross words were said on both parts (my husband and hers) but DH and I have since decided to distance ourselves from her. She lives with our in-laws so inevitably we will see her. Yesterday me and my 3 yo DD were sitting having a chat with in laws, in a seat that has a door opening next to it. SIL took one look at me and DD, stormed past us and aggressively slammed the door towards the seat we were sitting in (it did not hit us, it slammed against the armchair of the seat) DD looked at me in shock and I said oh dear what a loud bang ! In laws sat there and said nothing. This follows another few incidents of hostility, aggressive short sharp words and swearing towards me, a “push or jab” from her when I walked in front of her to grab something (well she came up from behind me quite quickly pretending to carry an object that she ‘oops nearly lost a hold of’ she has previously been violent towards DH as well. I feel like I should have told her not to be so purposefuly agressive in front of my DD, she could have easily banged her head. I know the whole “oh i didn't mean it stop being stupid would”come out with her”i am aware her past aggressive issues may be clouding my judgement here, so, am i being unreasonable to have a word?!

OP posts:
Blackdow · 25/05/2025 11:21

I’d be telling the in laws that all visits will stop due to her increasing violent outburst. She has pushed you, jabbed you and now slammed a good into the seat you and your child were sitting in. She has been violent to her brother. Nope. No more visits if she is there.

You’re a parent. You have to protect your child from people like that, even if it is uncomfortable for you.

No more visits if she is going to be there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2025 11:23

They seem to think her behaviour is acceptable so I wouldn’t go there again and I wouldn’t be overly keen to host them either. Horrible people.

Original poster
Mayspring · 25/05/2025 11:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2025 11:23

They seem to think her behaviour is acceptable so I wouldn’t go there again and I wouldn’t be overly keen to host them either. Horrible people.

This really upset me as well, they just openly allowed her to be hostile towards their innocent granddaughter! And me, I wouldn’t mind (on my part, I do for DD) but i recently put alot of work in to helping them out, plus its never nice to be at the receiving end of aggression

OP posts:
CloudPop · 25/05/2025 11:46

Well there’s no more help for them from you, and no more visits. They don’t get to treat you this badly and everyone just carries on enabling them to.

Gingercatlover · 25/05/2025 11:46

Stop going until they do something about her, you don’t go there to be abused.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/05/2025 11:48

Stop going over there and inform your in laws they will have to come to you as you don’t want your child seeing behaviour like that

Helpmeplease2025 · 25/05/2025 11:49

Well, they raised her and didn’t sort these issues at the time, so they’re not likely to now.

I’d stop going there immediately.

Tortielady · 25/05/2025 11:52

You wouldn't be unreasonable to have a word, but be careful. Your SiL isn't shy about putting her hostility and aggression on display in front of a small child. What would she be like if the child in question was elsewhere when you broached the matter? She doesn't mind lashing out at her brother; where does that leave you and why should you be her punch-bag?

As a pp says, you could tell your PiL that you won't be going over to theirs while SiL is there and she will not be invited to yours. As they seem to be enabling her behaviour, they would be wise to see this as a warning about the possible impact on their relationship with you (and especially their DGD) of continuing down this path.

AutumnFroglets · 25/05/2025 11:58

Stop putting your child in situations where there is a violent person, ie stop visiting.

I wouldn't even tell the grandparents why until they asked why you stopped visiting because, personally, they are enabling the violence to their son and granddaughter and are just as culpable as your SIL. It's a violent household.

Endofyear · 25/05/2025 12:04

Surely it's a waste of time saying anything because as you say, she will make an excuse or say it was an accident. I'd just not visit in laws in future and invite them to visit you.

Original poster
Mayspring · 25/05/2025 12:04

Tortielady · 25/05/2025 11:52

You wouldn't be unreasonable to have a word, but be careful. Your SiL isn't shy about putting her hostility and aggression on display in front of a small child. What would she be like if the child in question was elsewhere when you broached the matter? She doesn't mind lashing out at her brother; where does that leave you and why should you be her punch-bag?

As a pp says, you could tell your PiL that you won't be going over to theirs while SiL is there and she will not be invited to yours. As they seem to be enabling her behaviour, they would be wise to see this as a warning about the possible impact on their relationship with you (and especially their DGD) of continuing down this path.

She is certainly golden girl and they always seem to have a reason fir her poor behaviour which “oh shes tired, shes stressed, shes upset” i personally could not care less for their excuses we all feel this at times but i have certainly never EVER lashed out in aggression for being “tired” there is a huge chance she certainly would be even more hostile if I did approach her or PIL’s about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayspring · 25/05/2025 12:05

Endofyear · 25/05/2025 12:04

Surely it's a waste of time saying anything because as you say, she will make an excuse or say it was an accident. I'd just not visit in laws in future and invite them to visit you.

Yes i fear so but at the same time i really feel the need to point out how awful she is

OP posts:
LakieLady · 25/05/2025 12:12

Mayspring · 25/05/2025 12:05

Yes i fear so but at the same time i really feel the need to point out how awful she is

Show quote history

She's their daughter; they're unlikely to "see it". Love is blind and all that.

See MIL in your home, don't go to theirs unless you know SIL is out or away on holiday.

Original poster
Mayspring · 25/05/2025 12:13

I mean, would anyone else tolerate that? They (PIL’s) and her have honestly got me into such a state of questioning myself, minimizing her behaviour, making excuses I honestly dont know anymore! My mother has not long passed and I miss having that guidance of “absolutely not!”

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 25/05/2025 12:17

Why on Earth do you keep visiting? I wouldn’t be taking my child anywhere where someone was behaving in an aggressive way around them and the adults in the home were allowing the behaviour and not challenging the person.

TinyTempest · 25/05/2025 12:17

It's a shame when two siblings fall out and other people get involved.

But ultimately if you've decided to distance yourself, it's not really going to work while she's living at home, if you and your DH still want to visit his parents.

It looks like they'll have to visit you from now on.

TrolleySong · 25/05/2025 12:19

So they visit you from now on?

Macwoodfleet · 25/05/2025 12:19

Mayspring · 25/05/2025 12:13

I mean, would anyone else tolerate that? They (PIL’s) and her have honestly got me into such a state of questioning myself, minimizing her behaviour, making excuses I honestly dont know anymore! My mother has not long passed and I miss having that guidance of “absolutely not!”

Edited

No. I wouldn't tolerate that.
Stop going

outerspacepotato · 25/05/2025 12:22

Your SIL is escalating from verbal aggression to physical. You should have got your child and left the second she slammed the door into where you were sitting.

Stop going over to your inlaws. Do NOT expose your child to her, she's going to get hurt if you keep this up. Why would you want your kid to see you getting verbally or physically abused?

Inlaws don't like it, tough. They could rein her in and choose not to. Stop helping people who condone verbal and physical violence in their home towards you.

verycloakanddaggers · 25/05/2025 12:23

Mayspring · 25/05/2025 12:05

Yes i fear so but at the same time i really feel the need to point out how awful she is

Show quote history

There's no need to do that, it'll achieve nothing. It just feels like drama escalation.

Just say you don't feel comfortable visiting as she's visibly angry.

Distance yourself.

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/05/2025 12:24

If she is physically violent towards you, your DH or DC you ignore the fact that she's related to you and you go to the police.

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 25/05/2025 12:25

As others have said, I wouldn’t be going round there, neither would my child due to SIL behaviour. I wouldn’t be in a massive hurry to have them round your house either as I seriously question the judgement of anyone who can think of nothing to say when their adult child behaves so aggressively in front of a small child.

JockTamsonsBairns · 25/05/2025 12:28

Mayspring · 25/05/2025 12:05

Yes i fear so but at the same time i really feel the need to point out how awful she is

Show quote history

No, that's just ramping up the drama.

Stop visiting. The in-laws can come to you.

Solved.

WiddlinDiddlin · 25/05/2025 12:30

Yep there is no point attempting to point out anything to anyone.

They know she's behaving awfully.
She doesn't care, she's doing it on purpose.

The only solution is that your DH tell them that you're not going to be visiting their/her home in future, so if they wish to see you all, they'll need to visit you.

DelphiniumBlue · 25/05/2025 12:32

They saw her behaviour.
So they can't pretend it isn't happening. Tell them that you can't be behaving DD exposed to that sort of aggression and so you won't be coming round anymore.
She is clearly a bully, and behaving like that in front of everyone was clearly her issuing a challenge.
DH can speak/message her if he wants to, but probably best if he does it rather than you.