AIBU yo have a word here?!

[Mayspring]

Please excuse the apparent hot headedness of this post, but something happened yesterday, and I did nothing, but I’ve been thinking and thinking about it and now Im really angry. So my SIL has become increasingly hostile towards me due to a fall-out she has had with her brother. Yes cross words were said on both parts (my husband and hers) but DH and I have since decided to distance ourselves from her. She lives with our in-laws so inevitably we will see her. Yesterday me and my 3 yo DD were sitting having a chat with in laws, in a seat that has a door opening next to it. SIL took one look at me and DD, stormed past us and aggressively slammed the door towards the seat we were sitting in (it did not hit us, it slammed against the armchair of the seat) DD looked at me in shock and I said oh dear what a loud bang ! In laws sat there and said nothing. This follows another few incidents of hostility, aggressive short sharp words and swearing towards me, a “push or jab” from her when I walked in front of her to grab something (well she came up from behind me quite quickly pretending to carry an object that she ‘oops nearly lost a hold of’ she has previously been violent towards DH as well. I feel like I should have told her not to be so purposefuly agressive in front of my DD, she could have easily banged her head. I know the whole “oh i didn't mean it stop being stupid would”come out with her”i am aware her past aggressive issues may be clouding my judgement here, so, am i being unreasonable to have a word?!

This particular time we webt down due to FILs increasing ill health, FIL needed our help with a few things and we of course went and I went to support MIL with a few things. We had just finished off and MIL was making a cuppa when this happened. I feel some awkward conversations will need to be had.

If your PIL need your help yet are OK with turning a blind eye to what their DD is doing to their visitors you need to stop helping as they are as bad as her.

Your FIL may have ill health but you need to stop using that as a reason to help out if all it's going to lead to is you being abused, both by words or physically and especially in front of your DD.

You and your DH are reading from the same page, which is good.
Both need to let your PIL know that while you don't mind helping after the latest events with SIL you will not be going their house while she is in situ.

You do not need to tell your SIL anything, I wouldn't even speak to her she's perfectly aware of what she's doing to you, give her no reason to come at you.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm probably closer to her age than yours and don't mind saying it for both of you. "Absolutely not!" You, your DH and your little DD have a right to feel safe and you shouldn't be expected to tolerate people who threaten you. As you say upthread, we all have our off-days, but most of us accept that we are responsible for our own behaviour.

The fact that your FiL needs help doesn't mean you have to accept whatever his DD chooses to dish out. Reliance on others imposes certain obligations on us, eg to respect the dignity and personhood of the one doing the helping. By allowing you to be abused under their roof, your PiL aren't doing that. You would be well within your rights to step back.

Thank you :)

That's shocking behaviour.

Pushing you and slamming a door into your chair has clearly crossed the line into assaultive behaviour. It's a shame for pil but you have to protect yourself and your dc.

I would let pil know that due to sil violence you won't be able to go over there again regardless of their needs. Maybe your dh could gentle ask if sil has been violent towards them? Any chance they are afraid of her and needs help getting her out of the house?

Is there any chance they are scared of her behaviour and just trying not to upset her? Whilst that may not be good for you, they do currently have to live with her and her outbursts so could be self preservation?

Yes DH certainly thinks they are afraid of her. This is one of the first things that came up when we were talking about the incident, I asked why on earth do they just let her do these things? He said quite simply “because they are scared her”. She and MIL have quite a strange relationship in that you would think sil is the mother and mil is the daughter the way SIL treats her! She is often forced to go places with sil even though she is tired etc, mil has to pander to her, make all her food, will make her coffee etc its so strange.

Then it sounds very much like they are victims of domestic abuse.

I certainly think so but trying to get them to see would be extremely hard. I have (before the hostility towards myself) had to leave the table because i just could not stand how sil would speak to her parents , and if I said anything then I would be the problem.

I'd have told her if she didn't pack up being a twat then I'd give her something to be grumpy about. But the grown up thing is just to stop visiting and tell PIL why.

True! Ive gotten to the stage I get so anxious to go near their house now in case she is there, i am filled with dread.

Im also getting increasingly annoyed at husbands lack of interest in the fact that it happened

There’s no way you should be taking your dc there. If fil needs help, surely sil can do it? They can come to you but no way should you be going there.

Keep well away from her.

I had a 'friend' who became violent when she didn't get her own way - 'accidentally' stomped on my feet when I was dressed up at a party and wearing new shoes, etc. Hit someone else and claimed that her diabetes was the cause...

I just kept well away from her in the end. Should have done it sooner, to be honest.

If she's been violent towards your husband, perhaps his "lack of interest" is actually self-preservation. Listen to what he's telling you by his behaviour. Stop interacting with his parents and his demented sister. Its a shame that they can't prioritise your daughter but they can't, for whatever reason, so you have to. Keep her safe, stop taking her there. Let her send little videos or whatever, if you must, but keep her away from SIL.

Send your husband alone. If he’s minimising or not taking the concerns seriously then that’s on him but your child shouldn’t be negatively impacted. Someone has to be the person who refuses to enable this woman by tiptoeing around her.

No more help from you then! If they want to see their granddaughter, they come to you.

I'm horrified they didn't do/say anything to stop her!

So today DH went down there with DD (she wanted to see DGdad) on the promise he would not leave her alone there and would be supervising DD with DG and SIL at all times. A couple of hours later he is back, I ask where DD was and he said “oh she wanted to play with DGparents” I said “so i assume SIL wasnt there?” He said yes she was “what do you want me to do tell her to f off?!” I said “no you smask her to behave and control herself or DD is not going in to that house!” He is now saying I have “issues” and cant always “ control where DD goes!”

Would his argument be the same if dd was in a rowdy pub where it was kicking off? Presumably he wouldn’t use the can’t control where dd goes argument in that situation? Or perhaps he would just say well I wouldn’t take her there. In which case why is it ok if inappropriate behaviour happens in the family home and is done by a family member? Because if his argument is that it’s different in that situation he would presumably be fine if when she’s an adult she has a partner who treats her like shit at home?

So he's obviously not prepared to back you up then!

I’d have put DD down, followed her out and headbutted the c*nt.

Ive had lots of very kind, very sensible replies about how to best deal with the situation, but this, this I like and its made me feel a bit better😂