’m almost 40. For context, my mum and I have had a complicated relationship over the years, she had me young and my childhood was tricky. My dad was an alcoholic and though they separated when I was small my mum made poor choices - she met someone else after my dad but new stepfather was unpleasant and clearly did not want the package deal of a small child, they eventually got divorced.
There’s more to this story and a lot to put down here but I did not feel my mother protected me from these experiences and passively stood back. Growing up was a lonely experience and I spent large amounts of time alone. My grandmother was heavily involved in my upbringing and feel she was more like a mum figure to me at times.
looking back mum and I never had a ‘normal’ mother daughter relationship, or spent bonding time together just the two of us. I felt envious hearing peers talk about their mums and how supportive they were. I often feel she has prioritised her relationships with others, including the various step fathers I had as a child and I came second. She looked after my physical needs however when I later did therapy as an adult I realised in hindsight she had been emotionally neglectful.
I left home at 18 and ended up moving to the other side of the country to go to university, mum pushed me to go to uni as unlike her she wanted me to get a decent education and felt a degree would open up options for me. When I went to uni I had a breakdown and suffered with severe depression. Felt my mum wasn’t bothered, she rarely reached out to me and i ended up being the one to make the long journey for home visits, when I suggested she visit me she would fob me off and would never text or call. I felt lost as an adult and no surprise that I got into relationships with friends/partners who were very self centred and narcissistic and took more than they gave.
I decided to settle where I was and started to feel resentment that I was the one making all the effort. Mum visited me only once for my graduation for two days but was on edge and anxious the whole time and wanted to get back home and thought about going back home early despite my being hurt over it. I tried to be understanding but it really got me down as it took the shine off what should have been a special occasion for me.
When I went into therapy I started seeing things differently and realised I hadn’t had a lot of empathy from her and I ended up pulling back from mum and dropped the rope to see if she would step up - the end result was we didn’t speak and ended up estranged for around 4-5 years though she would still send cards at Christmas and my birthday. We eventually resumed contact as she was involved in a serious car accident about ten years ago which she was lucky to survive- fortunately she made a full recovery, then over time our relationship gradually improved.
Over time mum has reflected on things, she’s become less obnoxious and our relationship is better than it used to be. We’ve had some honest conversations and she partly acknowledges things have been difficult for me, though there is still a bit of denial on her part. She apologised for not getting it right with me growing up which meant a lot. I have tried to be gracious and understanding and don’t hold grudges as I accept parents aren’t perfect. I’m more concerned with the here and now.
Last year my grandmother who lived near to my mum passed away. Another long backstory to this but in a nutshell my mum was my grandmothers full time caretaker both emotionally and in her later years physically when she went into a care home with dementia the last few years of her life. My mum was very devoted and enmeshed with my grandmother and my nan has always relied heavily upon my mum emotionally and otherwise.
Since nan has passed away I think my mum has been reflecting and has regrets. She keeps saying she wishes we lived closer and confessed to me last year that she secretly felt hurt that I chose to leave home so far away all those years ago which was new to me and has strongly hinted about me moving closer to her as she says it’s impossible for us to have a meaningful relationship living at the distance we do. When I point out that she rarely makes the effort to come and visit she maintains that it was me who chose to move away and I could have stayed and settled there if I’d wanted to which I suppose is a fair point.
There’s no question of her moving to be near me as she hasn’t got the financial capability to do so having never really worked or planned ahead, also her and my stepfather would not want to leave the area. Mum has lots of hangups and issues in general with anxiety. She won’t go willingly to many places and hasn’t ever really been on holiday even within the UK, She hasn’t been abroad since I was small. Clearly there’s a mental block there and I’ve tried to be patient and understanding but I struggle at times dealing with it.
I feel conflicted as although I don’t know if I want to stay where I am forever, I have a reasonably well paid job, a nice house and live in a nice area. I have lived round here for the best part of 20 years and moving back to my hometown would be a significant financial and emotional upheaval for both me and my DP. I do like my hometown and am not against ever moving back there if it felt right and my mum is not unpleasant , I enjoy her company but our relationship still feels one sided and I’ve realised there’s still not a lot of give and take and it’s part of the old well worn pattern. She has missed out on huge chunks of my life and I have been left to go it alone.
Getting my mum to visit me and share the load is like pulling teeth and she’s been fobbing me off for almost two years since her last visit here, it seems it’s always down to me to visit. In the last few years I have been over there a lot due to my grandmother being poorly and my mum needed practical support which was fine but now I am feeling burned out with it and would like some reciprocity which doesn’t seem to be forthcoming. I understand living nearer to family is important to strengthen relationships because I realise the distance does make it harder but I am reluctant to uproot my entire life for someone who isn’t pulling their weight and there is no compromise on anything. Mum has let me down several times recently - promised she’d visit and then made excuses when I asked about it, and point blank refused to come and meet me halfway in London when I needed to get nans ashes sent there as part of her final wishes, amongst other things. She doesn’t seem to appreciate or empathise with the strain this causes or how her issues and lack of flexibility affects me even though I have bluntly told her.
I was strongly considering at one point and looking into moving closer but recently have gone very cold on the idea. DP is supportive of us moving but for now thinks I should drop the rope with mum and see what happens. Just wanted other people views and wondering AIBU to pull back from this.