To have slammed the phone down ((TRIGGER WARNING SA))

[offnick]

To my mother
she called to say her ex partner had died. Starting going on about how great he was jow sad she was and what a good dad to me he was. I got so angry I slammed the phone down
he isn't my father but also I have memories of him making me do things of a sexual nature and I cried to her when I was young and she tried to spin it on me as a kid that I had asked him to touch him and so he let me.
now she is going and saying why would I be so rude to her. Surely she would know and remember ?
I can't even say anything as she she will just tell me iv lied or remembered wrong
now I fewl
horrible

Christ, NO! You are not at all unreasonable. I am so sorry that you had to go through that and your mother is in denial.

I feel like I owe her an explanation but I also know she will say I'm making it up
iv remembered it wrong I always say things that aren't true etc plus I don't want to talk about it or even remember it

You do not owe her an explanation.

You were not on the wrong and even though he’s dead it’s not too late to report this to the police so it is recorded. This may help with your feelings being validated as that isn’t coming from your mother, who if I was in your shoes, I’d never speak to again

I’m sorry but I’m surprised you even let her have your phone number after what she did.

just tell her that her partner was a paedophile, you are disgusted she failed to protect you and you want nothing more to do with her.
And block

She's made me think things aren't true and I'm only really just realising that my memories are real

I wish it was safe enough to do that

Get some therapy, OP. Don't try to work this out with your mum's help, it can't work.

Surely she would remember why I don't want to soak about him I can't get why she can't remember or is she just lying because she doesn't want to admit she knew

So sorry for your situation but you have to tell your mum how her partner fucked u up, and then totally ignore the back slash. As it will come.

Your mum gaslit you and prioritised her partner over her child's safety and wellbeing.

It is no wonder you're angry at her. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

You know what happened to you. Deny it as she might, to herself, to you, your mother knows what happened to you, and what her fucking pissant useless, self serving response was, that's why she's still trying to control the narrative, with you, and from you, as to what happened and what that vile excuse for a human being that she was married to, was.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, you poor love, and that your mother was not the person, the mother, she should have been for you. But, believe your truth. I think you sound like you can trust yourself a whole lot more than your mother. And protect yourself, and take care of yourself, particularly from your mother. Let others around you help and shelter you too.

And you owe her NOTHING.

what hold does she have on you that you can't break away?
I had similar issues with my mother regarding a family member (unfortunately still alive), I was no contact with her for much of my adult life (and the abuser).
She is dead now, there's still stuff I regret. like not having had an adult relationship with her, but even if I had addressed it again as an adult, no idea whether I would have got the response I wanted - so ultimately I think it was the right decision.

Please try and get some counselling to help you break away and come to terms with your feelings. You can't change what happened as a child, but don't let this toxic woman destroy the rest of your life.

Thank you I think the issue is I have spent so so long not bringing anything from my child hood up as she kicks off and it becomes so massive and always used against me so I avoid it. She also just tells me I'm lying and will say really bad stuff so I get scared to soeak out so iv just kept it inside. I have just lived with it and not really mentioned it since I was a teenager I think - it was minimised and framed as I (the child) was curious and had asked to touch him. Now I'm the age I am I realise that's completely gaslighting a child but I have always felt bad and ashamed like I was the one to blame so I just smile and listen to her rantings but yesterday it just pushed me over the edge hearing he was a great dad to me. No he was not he messed my head up

This is horrible you have basically been let down and abused by both of them. You need to focus on yourself and don't let her continue to hurt you.
I am sorry this happened to you, and that she didn't support you

Even now I keep asking myself am I lying have I made this up?

I’m so sorry that happened to you op. Of course she remembers, she would just rather rewrite history at the expense of your feelings, to save her own, and I wonder whether possibly to alleviate her guilt for letting you down so awfully.
My mums ex husband did very similar to me and my sisters, when we were children/ young teens, and my mum was similarly unsupportive. It’s brutal, and I feel for you. It’s so unsettling to have no one in your corner and to feel you can’t even rely on your own mother to have your back.

I don't know whether to actually say what I know now I just know I'm not ever going to get the response that's the truth

She does remember. She is just gaslighting you. She let her own daughter be sexually abused by her partner so she could stay in a relationship with him. She chose a sex offender over her own daughter.

You have a disgraceful mother and it is only fear about what she might do or say that is stopping you from cutting her off completely. Please speak to your GP about therapy to make you strong enough to cut all ties with her.

She knows op and she is determined to shut you down. She knows she let you down and is rewriting history. This is shown in her strength of reaction when you wont bend to her truth.

Back off and do not engage op. I have no doubt your memories are correct. They were the words of a child and to be believed. He assaulted you and she turned a blind eye. It is that simple but it does not help with your pain and anger.

@offnick why are you still in touch with her?

Your mum lives in fantasy land, she will never admit the truth as she enabled the SA by doing her utmost to gaslight you into thinking you asked for him to abuse you. WTF!! She has emotionally abused you @offnick and continues to do so. I’m so sorry you were so massively let down and abused by your caregivers as an innocent child but you are an adult now and have the power to protect yourself from harm.
You need counselling to let go off the misplaced guilt that was placed upon you by a paedophile and his enabling wife that you wanted him to abuse you. You need to not be ashamed of the truth, let it all out and grieve for the trauma you’ve had to hide in order to have a relationship with your mum.
No one has the right to take your voice or the truth from you!

Allowing a child to touch your genitals is abuse, however it’s framed. She can adjust the narrative in anyway she likes but the bottom line is she failed to protect you against a sexual predator.