To have slammed the phone down ((TRIGGER WARNING SA))

[offnick]

To my mother
she called to say her ex partner had died. Starting going on about how great he was jow sad she was and what a good dad to me he was. I got so angry I slammed the phone down
he isn't my father but also I have memories of him making me do things of a sexual nature and I cried to her when I was young and she tried to spin it on me as a kid that I had asked him to touch him and so he let me.
now she is going and saying why would I be so rude to her. Surely she would know and remember ?
I can't even say anything as she she will just tell me iv lied or remembered wrong
now I fewl
horrible

Iv spent years googling whether it is abuse whwther I just make big things out of nothing like she says I do thinking whether I could have asked him to do that. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed iv literally told one other person in my whole life and just blocked it out. But she knew and she wants me to sit there listening to what a great person he is . I do think I need to cut her off