Is it possible to be firm about saying "no" and remain friends?

[eldermillenialmum]

My DD goes to the local primary school with two other girls who live on our street. They are friends and the parents are all friendly. We all help one another other with pick ups and host play dates but while the others may need picking up once or twice a year they ask almost once a week and it seems to be due to the way they organise things rather than something coming up unexpectedly so the other couple and us resent doing it. When we do pick up for them they don't pick up for an hour and then they hang around chatting when we need to start bedtime.The more we go the more we ask and their DC is always asking to come over. I think I'll need to be more firm in saying no but I wouldn't want to upset the apple cart as we really like the parents and confide them friends and our DCs are best friends. I also feel bad saying no if we can pick up for them but I just don't feel like having their child. I'm sure they'd do the same for us but the fact is they don't need to as we don't plan things that we know we can't do on our own.

AIBU to say no more?

Once a week… they mess up plans meaning they have to ask you to jump in?

I think they make plans expecting us or the other couple to help. They have three DC with different things on after school and if one of the parents isn't about or is busy at work they ask us for help but it's becoming a regular thing on certain days. I don't mind helping if something crops up but I don't want to be regular childcare.

Before saying no I think you need to just chat with them and say it’s becoming a bit much of a commitment for you and it’s making bedtimes etc difficult. I think this might be better than just saying no without an explanation as currently the parents don’t see an issue with the current arrangement

I've asked another parent if they would be willing to {say} drop dc1 back from cubs regularly, so that it enabled me to take dc 2 to swimming or choir where the other parent was picking up their child anyway and it only meant them stopping at the end of our drive and kicking dc1 out, as they passed but I feel that is very different from asking a parent to look after them for a couple of hours. I would also combine it with offering to take their dc to cubs / football / drama / swimming or wherever they go that my child goes.

I wouldn't expect childcare from another parent except on an occasional basis (for example if I had a hospital appt or similar).

I think you need to say to the parents that you can't commit to having their child over that regularly, although you would be willing to help in an emergency.

No, it won't affect a proper friendship. If they take offence then it would suggest they are using you rather than friends with you.

It wouldn't bother me if it was just picking up when I pick up my DD and then dropping off but it usually means bringing their DD back home and it does impact on bedtimes and is the only hour or so we have together as a family on a working day.

I think you're right that if they're real friends it won't bother them and I think they're reasonable so would get it if we just said no but I find it hard to say no especially to someone I like!

This
no drama
you really like them and good friends

It is only difficult as they don't ask can we do it every week they just ask if we can do it that day so we say yes thinking it's a one off and then it becomes every week so next time they ask I just say no as it's becoming a weekly thing?

I don't want to offend them

Well don’t

they are good friends
no drama
Just a chat

You've said that twice but it doesn't follow that "a chat"
won't offend them.

Huh?

good friends, surely just a chat about how ongoing logistics is just something very civil and calm and friendly.

clearly you do not think so with these close friends if you’re worried about offending them about simply saying that you’re not going to be able to jump in quite so regularly anymore but absolutely love having their child after school when emergencies crop up.

“It doesn’t follow that a chat won’t offend them”

if they are CFs then absolutely
but who wants to be close friends with CFs?

If you don't want to have an awkward chat then I would just start to say no more often so that they stop assuming you'll always say yes. You can have reasons, such as sorry we can't today, we've got grandparents over, or whatever, or you can just say, sorry we can't today, and leave it at that. I've done this recently myself. I have nice friends who arrange things for themselves then assume we or another family will be their childcare. Occasionally I say yes, if it's convenient for us, but I've just started more and more to say sorry we can't tonight. They've definitely stopped asking so often and we're still friends.

It seems like they’re not bothered about offending you though 🤷‍♀️ Pull up your big girl
pants and say no to their requests as it will only get worse as the years progress.

I don't think I ever said we're close friends. We're all friendly and I consider them friends as we occasionally all do things together as our children are friends. We haven't known one another more than a year when they started reception last year. I think you've misread the situation slightly.

@Itdidnttakelong @ThrowawayAccount29 Yes I agree. She seems a bit more aware whereas he turns up half an hour late to pick them up and doesn't really acknowledge it. I like her though. You're right though and ultimately I won't be taken advantage of. I think they may be the kind of people you do need to be a bit more firm with as the more you do the more they ask.

@flippertygibbet4 I think that's the best way as it stops us becoming regularly childcare without making a big deal about it.

we really like the parents and confide them friends and our DCs are best friends.

I read that as close friends

but ok just friend that you really like

so I would t see a chat as offending them!

Start a WhatsApp group. Suggest you make a rota of who does pick ups. Say that you think you all need some structure.

I think next time you just say ‘no problem giving her a lift home but I’ll need to drop and run as we are really struggling with bedtimes lately’ and then just repeat that. I don’t think it needs to be a big thing.

and yes - I rely on a friend of my son’s to get him to a club every single week. But just picking up with their son at after school club and dropping home after - and they live 2 minutes away. There’s been a few times I’ve asked them to take him back to theirs so my husband can pick up half an hour later. Once a month or so I babysit for them so they can go out in an evening as I’m very conscious we almost never help them.

Next time they ask start your reply with the word no. Saying no first gets it out of the way and the stress is over for you. Say No I can’t collect after school, can’t take to school, can’t do after school care etc what ever they ask it’s a no. No excuses and no sorry. Just repeat this and then say you have to end the conversation and go. They will quickly start to ask others.

Next time they ask say 'yes no problem but I will have to drop x straight at yours'. 'oh you won't be there? Sorry I won't be able to have X back, you will have to ask someone else '. Repeat.

our DCs are good friends and we consider them friends but I wouldn't say close friends

I've never been out with them without doing something with the kids and I wouldn't text either of them about anything else if that makes sense but we like them

I don't want a rota with them! We can pick up our own DCs. I don't mind helping them when they need it but don't want to be relied on as regular childcare.

Thanks @PurpleThistle7 @ButterCrackers @Sunshineandgrapefruit I think you're right. I need to get DH on board too as I think he has a harder time saying no than I do and then it becomes more awkward if he is the one asked as we end up doing it but with bad feeling as he makes it clear it's an imposition whereas I would just do as you say @Sunshineandgrapefruit