Is it possible to be firm about saying "no" and remain friends?

[eldermillenialmum]

My DD goes to the local primary school with two other girls who live on our street. They are friends and the parents are all friendly. We all help one another other with pick ups and host play dates but while the others may need picking up once or twice a year they ask almost once a week and it seems to be due to the way they organise things rather than something coming up unexpectedly so the other couple and us resent doing it. When we do pick up for them they don't pick up for an hour and then they hang around chatting when we need to start bedtime.The more we go the more we ask and their DC is always asking to come over. I think I'll need to be more firm in saying no but I wouldn't want to upset the apple cart as we really like the parents and confide them friends and our DCs are best friends. I also feel bad saying no if we can pick up for them but I just don't feel like having their child. I'm sure they'd do the same for us but the fact is they don't need to as we don't plan things that we know we can't do on our own.

AIBU to say no more?

I’ve learnt the hard way in similar circumstances. I had to start saying no and it was difficult but it worked. They moved on to asking and using another parent. Keep your boundary and you’ll get respect for that.

You are right.

What happened op?

did they take offence?!

I think it is best to do this outside of a specific ask. Tell them that you want to flag in advance that you’re finding everything a bit much generally, you’re looking at how to simply things and you’ve realised the regularity of the help has become a bit much and you need to dial it back. Ok for very occasional or emergency help but you think you may have inadvertently given the impression every week was fine with you.

once they’ve agreed with that you could bring up the point of picking up when agreed as it is making bedtimes difficult.

I haven't said anything yet as I haven't seen her and it's school holidays this week.

It wouldn’t reflect well on a “friend” if they took offence at a friend explaining very reasonably that its tricky to be so involved with their childcare arrangements BUT they still love having their child over for the odd play date and very happy to help out when an emergency.

It wouldn’t occur to me to take offence if I was them, but rather be mortified that I’d failed to realise I was being a bit thoughtless.

No sorry, can’t do today…
end of. On repeat.

you don’t need to justify why you can’t support their lifestyle. You just need to politely decline. They will get the message .

You're here worrying they might or might not take offence, while they don't think twice about imposing on your time and goodwill with frequent requests. They know they're taking the piss, yet they count on putting you on the spot so you'll feel unable to say no.

Consider this.

Sure, if they respect your boundaries. If not just friendly will do.

I think you're all right and the saying no when they ask is probably my style as opposed to having a big conversation about it. She asked this morning if we can pick up tomorrow and I said no. We are actually busy and I think it was definitely worse when we said yes for weeks in a row.

Id point them towards the local childminders as thats what they actually need! you are being used for free childminding and
need to make it clear that isnt what you signed up for and you arent happy to continue.

If it’s the same day each week you need to make plans for that day if it gives you extra strength to say no as xyz

well done for saying no tomorrow