To feel weird about DHs comment about his DD

[Lispecn]

DH and I I have 3 DC between us, I have 2 boys who are 24 and 22. He has a daughter who is 18. He has only been loosely involved in her life, mostly she was raised by her mother in a different country, but she spend much of her holidays with him and he frequently visited.

His daughter will be moving to the UK in the summer, she will be going to university in London and living with us. He went to visit her recently and when he came back he said “it worries me that she’s so attractive, she’s very smart but I worry she will get distracted by boys and let her brain rot”, he then continued that the boys would be chasing after her as she is much more attractive that men most girls. I’m not sure why but this comment left me feeling very very odd. She is a gorgeous gorgeous girl, I know everyone is inclined to think that of their children but I feel I can be more objective, she has a very pretty face and is tall/slim etc. She is definitely what many would view as being conventionally attractive and I would agree she is more “conventionally attractive” than many if not the vast majority of people. Really I’ve never thought about how attractive my sons are, I don’t know why I would and I can’t view them as anything other than the little boys I raised!

His comment has made me feel very strange, it wasn’t like he was calling her pretty and worried about her being bothered by boys. More that he was saying she was attractive and would let boys rot her brain, as though attractive women are unable to refuse advances and are destined to rest on their looks alone. I can’t pin exactly what has left me uncomfortable, maybe it’s the constant “she’s so attractive” that feels like an unnatural perspective from a dad of his daughter, or maybe the misogyny that beautiful women will rot their brain with boys?

I want to question him but I’m not sure what I’d say? His daughter is going to Cambridge for goodness sake she’s incredibly intelligent and much more than just attractive, she speaks 3 languages, is extremely kind and empathetic, she is confident yet humble and has many many qualities, it seems though that he doesn’t see these and only sees her as attractive.

AIBU to think this is a really odd way for a father to view his daughter and rather misogynistic?

I'd just speak to him v bluntly on it tbh. Definitely an old fashioned view.

At same time, many parents think their sins and daughters are God's gift, he's not that unusual on that one!

You say she's going to university in London and later say she's going to Cambridge...?

Any man who says this about his daughter is not a nice man.

It is an odd turn of phrase but perhaps clumsily worded on his part. It sounds like he has concerns that onde at university, and away from her mother, that she might go off the rails a bit. I wonder if he's actually concerned that he won't do as good a job at supervising her as her mother did, but rather than admit this, he's saying it will be caused by boys being a source of distraction instead.

Talk to him and find out what is really bothering him.

Remind him that talking like that is out of line. His daughter is pretty but she is smart.
Keep reminding him of her bright brain and how she will see right through the boys and easily look after herself.
It is a poor example to your sons - to have himtalking about women like that.

DH is shocked because he doesn't know his daughter well enough. Her looks are visible. When she visits, instigate card games, Chess, Monopoly and get to know her thinking strategies. Help your DH see his daughter as more than a young lad's girlfriend.

Living in London but going to Cambridge.

Sorry yes, I said London at first as I wasn’t going to say the university (worried I might say something later more identifying and it would be too obvious to others and felt the university wasn’t important. She will be living with us outside of the seemingly very few academic weeks Cambridge has) I said Cambridge later as I realised it actually was a pretty important point - she’s incredibly intelligent!

I'd imagine it must have been somewhat in jest. It's not that weird for a dad to think his daughter is very pretty and be wary of her getting distracted from her studies by men/boys.

I would just say 'well, she's not going to remain single forever so you may have to get over it at some point. She is an adult!'

He sounds a bit daft saying that but I wouldn't say it's that weird of a thing for a dad to think.

Has he talked about how attractive she is before? Because he has seen her growing up and he must have been aware of how she looks all her life.
If he was going to worry about her and the opposite sex then you would think he would have been concerned as soon as she hit puberty.
It sounds quite weird as though his last visit has given him a more heightened view of her sexuality and I would be uncomfortable with that.

And yes it's a really misogynistic viewpoint to think she would throw away her academic career to pursue relationships with men. A total slight to her intelligence.

Yes I think this is worrying him. She’s on a gap year right now and has grown up a fair amount as a result (she lived with his parents for a little and picked up a coffee shop job which I think helped her mature). Her mum and mums parents are very protective, so she was quite immature before this having attended a very strict Catholic all girls school where her mum was a teacher. Her mums family are quite poor so there is a lot of pressure on her to be the one who “makes something of herself”.

I think he underestimates her and is trapped between viewing her as a child and as a maturing adult.

Just say ‘Bob, you’re like a broken record. She’s reading X at Cambridge, therefore brain rot doesn’t seem an immediate risk, and her considerable intelligence and common sense will no doubt help her through any issues that arise from being very pretty. She’s got this.’

My dd is objectively very attractive, people comment all the time, it's not just me as her mother. My husband/her dad has never ever commented on her looks, tbh I don't think he's even noticed and always just sees her as his little girl.
So I understand why the comment has made you uncomfortable. It would seem he is objectifying his own dd. Doee he express other misogynistic views?

It’s always been she’s very pretty, which is true she is, but after this most recent visit it was like she went from being pretty to something more, it’s she’s so attractive, men will be all over her and who can blame them sort of attitude which makes me uncomfortable.

I'm conventionally attractive and I can't say my dad ever made comments like this about me (and I look identical to my mum, who he would always gush about how attractive she was) so this seems odd to me.

Maybe it's different because he didn't raise her day to day?

So he wants to, what, put her in a Burka? Confine her to the house?

So what if she dates boys, or goes wild?

It's her life.

I would see his gatekeeping comments as concerning, and indicative of a sexist, misogyny.

It's weird, a combination of sexism (what a fluffy little brain she has) and over protectiveness.

I wonder if he doesn't see her much and so suddenly realised she's all grown up and has to go out into the world and it feels too much too soon.

Tbf I've known lots of Cambridge students and they are a nerdy academic lot. There's a big pressure from the colleges to focus on your academics rather then hobbies etc. there are probably more boardgame cafes and escape rooms in the city then clubs. Students make up about 20% of the population in terms time.

There are lots of places I would be far more wary of sending my child. Assume she's in halls for her first year? Yeah she'll be absolutely fine. Might fall in the river while punting....

It sounds like he's projecting on her. I generally find dads of girls or those who grew up with sisters that they got on with respect women and have more appreciation to their humanity more than those who didn't mix much with women without her being their mother or lover.

I'd argue being unattractive hetero young woman causes more 'boy distractions', if you're used to male attention and know you're good looking it makes men take dating you seriously and you're validated and reassured of your looks everywhere you almost don't need to be in an actual relationship to feel and know you're desired and wanted. I think the dad was speaking as a hopefully reformed historic player who broke some hearts and ruined some girls lives.

I think her only going to a girls school, Mum being overprotective (perhaps not letting the daughter experience much of life or have a boyfriend maybe?), and being quite immature, are perhaps the drivers behind his comments

Well if she was at a strict all girls catholic school and living at home with a strict mum, he might reasonably be less worried than when she’s going to uni. It sounds like maybe before uni he could sort of “outsource” his worrying about her to her mum, while he was able to relax a bit more thinking “well her mum’s go this covered, she’ll be fine”. Whereas now she’ll be away from home so he’ll worry more.

Is everyone missing the point where it sounds like he's basically saying he's attracted to his daughter?!?!? I'd feel completely disgusted by that comment.

I wonder if it’s clumsy wording because him talking about different issues didn’t develop naturally. It’s like he is not used to this new feeling that she is grown up. Maybe something happened that made him thinking about it? Not necessarily even with her.
it’s like if you see someone’s kids occasionally you don’t know how to talk to them and even how to ask about them after not seeing them for a while.
Also I wonder if his comments have annoyed you because you have boys so in a way you are from the camp he is blaming.

This.

Yeah I agree

I think you're overthinking it - he's just concerned about his daughter. However mature she is, she is only 18 and I think any dad seeing his daughter go out in the world will be worried about her meeting men and possibly getting into situations where she might be at risk. Especially if she's had quite a sheltered upbringing.

My friends mum often comments on what a stunner she is. And how she attracts so many men but can you blame them, with her looks. It’s weird.