School Mum mean to me

[Helpisneeded100]

Hi All,

Wondering if I should confront a school mum? We used to be friendly, see each other occasionally at family event, school events etc I really liked her although looking back on reflection we don’t have lots of things in common and it was definitely more me keen to be friends. However I was never pushy etc Anyway we had a few meet ups without the kids, coffees etc which I thought went well. She then went quiet on me, I tried one last time suggested a catchup which she ignored.

A bit miffed but I took the hint and didn’t get in touch again. When we would bump into each other I would always be friendly and she would always say oh we need to catch up etc and if she messaged me a question related school again would say oh we need to catch up let me look at the calendar. I always responded that would be lovely but never chased her about meeting up. Which of course never happened.

recently though when I see her, which is not often she actively ignores me, blanks me and one time she even scowled. I do not know what I have done wrong. I am struggling with this as I am a people pleaser and don’t cope well if I think people dislike me.

I understand she doesn’t want to be friends and I am fine with that, however to actively blank me, scowl etc I feel is mean and not necessary. Just smile and move on, no need to chat etc

anyway, should I call her and ask her what’s up? Not sure it will resolve anything really? But I dread just bumping into her and not sure what to do anymore.

how do other people cope when school mums actively display their dislike of you?

I think your thread title is vastly overreacting. You had a go at forming a friendship, in some way you aren't on the same wavelength as one another, maybe she is scatty and hard to pin down or likes to be chased, maybe you came on a bit strong or a are a bit rigid in your planningof get togethers....neither are necessarily wrong but either way it was't working for the two of you. You had already checked out and stopped pursuing a friendship with her. She has now decided its too much effort as well. She isn't really being mean, that would be spreading rumors or calling you names. I guess she's just decided it's too much effort. I would just ignore her back now.

There are some school mums who actively dislike me. Most of it comes down to wealth and not being part of the range rovers and pony club type set.

I don't bother with them either and just speak to the ones I do have time for.

See, I’m not sure about the ignoring and the smiling and the waving. People like her need a jolt, and I wouldn’t tolerate being mugged off by her.
I’d probably send a text to say ‘I’m getting bad vibes off you in the playground. If there’s anything you want to talk about, you know where I am’.
But then I’m quite direct and would want to call her out on her behaviour, especially as it’s getting you down.
At the very least, she’ll know that you’re aware and stop her immature behaviour.

At the school events don't look or glance her way, she can't scowl at you if you aren't noticing her.
Non of this 'hi' and smiling at her nonsense, practice a 'soft gaze' where you look but don't focus on a thing or person.
From now on, as far as you are concerned she doesn't exist.

Yes, I think the OP is massively over-attuned to the nuances of a minor acquaintance’s facial expressions.

I’ve said this on here before, but I once gave myself a total complex about a woman with whom I’d once had what I thought was a very nice conversation in the village park. I’d meant to ask for her number and suggest coffee, we’d got on so well. She totally blanked me the next day, and the day after etc etc, till, weeks later, she was effusively friendly when we got the same bus. Before then blanking me again.

Months later, long after I’d given myself a shake and put it out of my head, someone told me she was significantly visually impaired. Basically, unless I was very close to her, or spoke, she wasn’t recognising me.

But, looking back now, the fact that I gave it any headspace at all suggests I was vulnerable at the time, which is true (foreigner and new mother in a spectacularly insular village).

What are you 12? 🙄

Yanbu. Basic courtesy costs nothing and she could nod & smile without getting more involved.

However an increasing number of people are bad tempered, stressed, ignorant, rude or all four. You can't change them so don't try.

I normally go with a smile and a breezy 'morning, ignore the rudeness and move on. Honestly, don't let her spoil your day.

Well done for being cold enough block all negative emotions beyond the age of 12. Most emotionally well rounded adult people are capable of processing negative feelings and most would be at least a little hurt to have this happen to them.

Thank god Im past this stage of school mums and pleasantries. Re coffee they suggested it so I came back with dates. No reply. Its rude. I left it at that.

It doesn’t require ‘coldness’ or anything like it. It just requires basic maturity and common sense not to let a potential friendship that didn’t get off the ground continue to upset you for a long time. For whatever reason this woman wasn’t keen on being friends, and for whatever reason, she’s not performing friendliness at the OP on the school run. There’s nothing the OP can do about either one. Her only choices involve changing her own mindset.

Well, she’s very pointedly doing this (rather than being two faced) so the one thing to know is that she wants you to know there’s an issue and she wants you to feel uncomfortable. Don’t give her that. I really think that pretending to not notice is the best idea here. Carry on smiling and looking totally unruffled by her behaviour. Be extra lovely and friendly to those around her so her grumpy miserable sneer looks even weirder.

So she’s wrong when she politely says “oh yeah we must catch up soon!” When she doesn’t like you, but also in the wrong for not initiating conversation.

This is one of women’s worst traits imo, she doesn’t like you, she doesn’t want to be friends, she doesn’t have to pursue a relationship with you. Just move on and leave her alone.

In my experience there are women who cannot end a social interaction without saying..let’s get together soon. Run into them at store or school and always this. And when I say I’m available every tues and Fri let’s keep it simple just coffee or coffee at my house of course never hear from them. I currently have 3 coworkers who cold shoulder me randomly. I’m not their direct boss but I’m senior in pay experience and responsibility and yet they chastise me for “touching their counter “ or handing a patient another colleagues business card which are absolutely meant to be given to patients. It’s so very weird to me to have this work place conflict but I say good morning and not much else. Honestly they are petty and I get along with everyone else and they don’t. Stop looking at her stop seeking any eye contact and if forced just say hello and walk on by. Some people thrive on this up and down relationship style but can only if you let Definitely don’t say anything to her in any way…voice text email. She will not have the insight into her behavior to make changes.

Don't worry, OP. You rarely see other parents once they've moved up to secondary.

One mum who I used to be quite friendly with before our kids went to secondary school blanked me the other day. We made eye contact and she looked away. She’s done it twice now.
It really is no loss to me. If she was to ever smile and say hello I would of course be pleasant and say hello back. But if we never speak again and pass each other as if we’ve never met before, I’m fine with that too.

I suppose it might feel different if you see this mum all the time and it’s more obvious to you that she might be blanking you. But even then, you end up getting used to it so much that you don’t even notice them anymore because they’re not someone you speak to anymore. Like any friendship, they sometimes fizzle out and that’s ok.

Just smile and walk past her, never stop & chat. Don't ask what went wrong, that would just be a difficult conversation for you. Treat her like a stranger, then you're protecting yourself from her. She's unkind.

Confronting her will just bring more stress. You’ll be left analysing the conversation, wondering if you did the right thing, wondering who she’ll tell about it etc. I would just continue as you are and leave her to it.