School Mum mean to me

[Helpisneeded100]

Hi All,

Wondering if I should confront a school mum? We used to be friendly, see each other occasionally at family event, school events etc I really liked her although looking back on reflection we don’t have lots of things in common and it was definitely more me keen to be friends. However I was never pushy etc Anyway we had a few meet ups without the kids, coffees etc which I thought went well. She then went quiet on me, I tried one last time suggested a catchup which she ignored.

A bit miffed but I took the hint and didn’t get in touch again. When we would bump into each other I would always be friendly and she would always say oh we need to catch up etc and if she messaged me a question related school again would say oh we need to catch up let me look at the calendar. I always responded that would be lovely but never chased her about meeting up. Which of course never happened.

recently though when I see her, which is not often she actively ignores me, blanks me and one time she even scowled. I do not know what I have done wrong. I am struggling with this as I am a people pleaser and don’t cope well if I think people dislike me.

I understand she doesn’t want to be friends and I am fine with that, however to actively blank me, scowl etc I feel is mean and not necessary. Just smile and move on, no need to chat etc

anyway, should I call her and ask her what’s up? Not sure it will resolve anything really? But I dread just bumping into her and not sure what to do anymore.

how do other people cope when school mums actively display their dislike of you?

Yes maybe she does thrive on it. Either way you need to make peace with the fact you will probably never know the reasons behind it.

Did you ever ask her round to yours? Or come back to her with a date to go to hers?
It sounds like she did try to reach out to you but you were unable to co ordinated a time.
The thing is, sometimes shyness or look ack of confidence can come across as disinterest?

I am quite confident, it wouldn't cross my mind that I'd annoyed her! I would wonder if she was ok? Has something bad happened that you don't know of?

Also, could this be DC related? Is your DC bullying hers?

Exactly this! I get you don’t like me, I am ok with that, a bit why not at first but fine. Not everyone will like you. But why does she feel the need to make it known to me she doesn’t like me? What is she getting out of this? Our kids go to the same school just smile and move on. Make life easier for all. But she has to make it known she doesn’t like me. I find it odd, on the one hand I am like I don’t care I have friends and am happy. On the other hand I feel anxious as who knows how she might react next time I see her?

Previously I had asked her round to mine when we did meet up. It definitely began to feel one sided and I don’t go for those types of friendships and I made one last effort to meet for coffee and she didn’t respond. So I took the hint and backed off, when she did frt in touch to ask some questions I always left the ball firmly in her court. I don’t want to pressure anyone into a catch up and she is very sociable so if she wanted to meet up she would have followed through on her invitation to have us round.

it’s not kid related, our children are different sexes, not in the same class and don’t socialise together or do clubs together at all. Hence why I only see her on occasion at school events where all the parents got.

She just sounds like one of life's unpleasant individuals. There's a lot of them around. Just ignore her. Act as if she isn't there. And you will soon forget she even exists.

i think you need to make peace with not knowing. If you’ve upset or offended her then it’s unintentionally and in a way that you know nothing about . If she has a habit to dropping people and ignoring them, or if she’s distracted by some personal problem, you can’t know that either.
You do know that you have done your best to be respectful and pleasant without crowding her. Let that be enough.

This is a her problem, not a you problem. Let her act however she wants - it’s how you react that important. Don’t let her have any impact on your life, feelings, self esteem because it shouldn’t.

being able to let stuff like this go will be incredibly freeing on your life. Be thankful that you don’t treat people how she treats people!

read up on the Mel Robbins Let Them theory

Sounds like she wants to be chased and have you put in effort, you backed off where previously you had been taking the lead and kept putting things back in her court. Maybe she thinks you went cold and her questions she could have asked anyone were to try and reach out, but you responded with generic friendly but unenthusiastic responses and never made any effort to initiate contact. She probably thinks she did something wrong for you to change your behaviour towards her over the last year.

Just block her on your phone and on SM so out of sight and out of mind. Eventually she'll become a distant face you sort of recognise but don't need to acknowledge. I did this with someone after she behaved similarly but the problem now is she wants a relationship & I don't! 🤔

I need to grow a back bone and stop caring so much what other people think about me.

Basically, yes. This is the only solution. Please don't try to confront her; that would be a huge overreaction and would put off any other parents who heard about it.

Forget it and move on.
It doesn't sound like you're compatible as friends.

I have this at my school. There's a clique of mums who are hot and cold with everyone. They went to school together, stayed friends and have married within the clique. I think they are scared of being associated with the wrong faces but then they struggle because their children can't only be friends with each other at school so they have this hot and cold behaviour. Having heard some of their gossip they are like mean school girls

Maybe she thinks you went cold and her questions she could have asked anyone were to try to reach out, but you responded with generic responses and never made any attempts to initiate contact. She probably thinks she did something wrong for you to change your behaviour towards her over the past year.

This may be true. It’s for you to decided whether or not to reach out to her with a ‘I have noticed you’ve really cooled to me I am thinking perhaps I have offended you. I’m not sure how as that was not my intention.’ She sounds really thin skinned and easily upset so it’s for you to decide what is easier for you.

Possibly she's just one of life's unpleasant people, But, most likely scenario is that the 1 time she scowled was a mistake, and was scowling at something else or accidentally scowling and the blanking/actively ignoring is because she's not sure where she stands with you (as you aren't with her) so doesn't want to be first to smile/wave and strike up a conversation for fear of looking stupid - given that she still messages in a cheery way I'd say this is the most likely scenario. Intentionally mean people are pretty rare, whereas misunderstandings are very common.

I would just match her energy and be cold back. And I wouldn’t lose sleep on what happened. Rather than what have I done wrong… wow she’s a weird and irrational person.

So the Army havd an expression for this: owning thd ground. This means you must be bright and smiley but walk past. Do not avoid her, but don’t seek her out. My indtinct is to hide away at the school gates from thd scowler but don’t give ground to her - that’s what she wants

I've only ever had this once. It shook my confidence. I remember messaging her asking was all ok and she said I thought you'd text everything is fine. I then realised she was a narcissist. I thought you don't deserve my anxiety. You get a kick out of making other people feel bad. Id never ever treat anyone like that. If someone had contacted me worried they'd offended me I'd be reassuring and kind. Years later, I bumped into another school Mom and she told me she'd done exactly the same thing to her and other Moms. This isn't about you OP. It's about her and her Narc ways getting a kick out of you being insecure. She's an idiot. Don't give her a second thought.

Sounds familiar. 😂

I’m going to suggest her scowling at you has nothing to do with you. People go through things and maybe she’s having difficulty in her marriage/job/health. Or maybe not. Either way, you are taking it too personally. Just acknowledge her as you would normally but then do not give it another thought. Don’t waste your energy on this.

Yes just keep busy. Hard when you dont know the reason. School mums can be strange all friendly when they want something! Op I reached out to a few people lately re coffee. No reply. People are odd

It was nice to reach out but why do people automatically have to go for coffee and if they don't they are odd?

I have a completely different take on this. I have many friends and acquaintances, and like them all, but I'm just the sort of person who might really want to meet with someone but forget to reply. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but I'm saying it's nothing against the person who I've forgotten about.

Also sometimes people look like they are scowling when they're actually deep in thought/got the sun in their eyes/worried about something.

Maybe she likes your but is largely indifferent to you, whilst your are analysing every interaction.

A woman from playgroup once asked me if I had a problem with seeing her in public. She said I always just say hi and walk on, or ignore her. She really pulled me up on it and it led to such an awkward situation where I just denied it. I wondered what she thought she would ever get out of a confrontation like that. I was often friendly to this woman, but she stops and talks for ages and over shares quite often, so sometimes I would do the 'hi' and carry on walking. I wouldn't say I behaved any different to her than to other Mums, but she had a particular idea of how much chat / sharing should go on than anyone else I met. Anyway, her confronting me just made me want to avoid her more, but if course I couldn't, so I had to have fake nice chats with her whenever I saw her, even if I was in a rush. She probably thinks she is ane asy person to know but she annoyed me by demanding my time.

That's probably not the same as your situation but it's just to show that it can be a minefield out there. There are loads of Mum's that I would have liked to be friends with but they just blank me when we see each other. I just think 'oh well' you never know what someone has going on really. Not everyone has the bandwidth to be friendly all the time. It's a bit off to blank someone after having a few Mum dates with them though.

I think it might have been the no reply that was odd,

Agreed.
I've little interest in going for coffee with random folk who just happen to have had a child around the same time I did. I'll be polite and not unfriendly, but I already have enough social interaction in my life. I find it better to have friends outwith the parent group.