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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Don't want my partners friend staying!

49 replies

Violet1964 · 24/05/2025 07:21

Soooo I'm basically just wondering if I'm in the wrong here. A while ago me and my partner broke up for a bit and while I moved out of the house, my partner let his friend, his partner and his daughter stay at ours for a few days...he gave them our bedroom and ensuite and he slept on the sofa. Fast forward we got back together so I moved back into our home.
Last year his friend messages him saying they were coming down again and asked if they could all stay again, I said I'm not comfortable with 3 people I don't know staying in my home. My partner messages him back saying, sorry there won't be enough room now (I'm back) and he replies with we don't need a bedroom we can just sleep in your front room! I thought this was so cheeky. We have a very tiny little cottage, I'm a very private person who likes my own space.
Anyway the time comes to him coming down, my partner insists he's found somewhere else to stay. He then turns up to see my partner for the evening and says he has no where to stay, my partner felt guilty and said he could. (He has parents live close to us) this caused a massive argument between us. I have had things happen in my life that have led me to not trust men. A Family member who I fully trusted abused me. I also suffer with ocd and anxiety.
Anyway he's just come down again for a week. I've told my partner I don't want him staying here, I don't even know him. Partner seems to think he has somewhere to stay. He turns up again last night and my partner asks where are you staying? He says he doesn't know and that he will just sleep in his car or something.....am I weird for thinking this is odd? He has come down for a week with no where to stay, I'm assuming with the presumption, that people will feel guilty and just let him stay. He's a 42 Yr old man that works, why can't he just get an air b&b? Or stay at his parents? It pisses me off that he comes down and just expects free accomidation.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/05/2025 07:25

He’s using you both, and taking the piss, wouldn’t want to be his friend.

sesquipedalian · 24/05/2025 07:28

Utterly bizarre behaviour. Who goes anywhere for a WEEK with no idea where they’ll be staying? Tell me he didn’t do this with his partner and daughter? And why would he be talking about sleeping in his car if his parents live nearby? This all sounds like a ruse to guilt your DP into putting him/them up - don’t let him fall for it, or you’ll be hosting them for ever more.

ThejoyofNC · 24/05/2025 07:31

You're, I presume, a grown woman. Tell him no, he can't stay at your place.

LemonLass · 24/05/2025 07:32

@Violet1964
I am sorry you experienced that in your past.

With your experience aside, this person is being a CF and disregarding your and OH boundaries. You said no. OH said no? Answer = no.

It is only now a problem if you or OH cave to "friend's" pressure. Dont make their problem your problem. It is not.

Stick to your boundaries together on this as it is important to you (to have personal space).

So speak to OH to discuss approach and let them sleep in the car if that is their "plan"?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 24/05/2025 07:34

I wouldn’t b surprised if he agreed with your dh that he’d turn up and say that. Get dh off the hook with you, get to stay anyway.

AgentJohnson · 24/05/2025 07:36

Hmm, interesting. The ‘friend’ sounds like a cf but I’m guessing that the property belongs to your partner and now you’re back together you feel comfortable dictating who can stay in it.

ZekeZeke · 24/05/2025 07:38

Who owns the property?
Joint-you have an equal say.
His-he can dictate who stays

eldermillenialmum · 24/05/2025 07:50

If you both live there then I think it's reasonable of you to say no.

It is odd and the fact he's saying he had nowhere to stay tells me he's trying to guilt you into letting him stay. That pill annoy me and if still say no and he'll have to find somewhere.

Nopenousername · 24/05/2025 07:51

He can’t stay with you this time even if that was ok in the past. End of discussion.

Violet1964 · 24/05/2025 07:53

I forgot to mention, the partner and kid didn't end up coming down with him this time! We don't own it, it's rented together. We have had previous friends of his stay over for a night, but these are friends I've know for years and become friends with myself and I trust. I think just the fact my partner said no to him before because there isn't enough space and he just said we will sleep in the living room, it got my back up, thinking that response was so cheeky. The fact his parents live close but isn't staying there, why he doesn't just book a cheap hotel.....I find it quite odd. Which then makes me trust him even less....

OP posts:
Violet1964 · 24/05/2025 07:55

ZekeZeke · 24/05/2025 07:38

Who owns the property?
Joint-you have an equal say.
His-he can dictate who stays

Rented together.

OP posts:
GRex · 24/05/2025 07:58

DH has a mate like this, he'll message out of the blue that he's in town and we never know if he'll stay or not. He's agreed to stay here before then stayed elsewhere, and not arranged anything then turns out he had nowhere to stay. Couple of differences, 1) he would find somewhere else to stay if we said no, 2) I don't mind him staying. I think first step is to be really clear if you and your DP are on the same page or not. Sounds like it's his house, and he's been happy with it before. So you're asking him to say no to something he wants for you. Is he happy with that?

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 07:59

I wouldn't allow my partner to say that my friends can never stay over. That would show me that we need to live separately at least, but probably break up. I have friends, theyre important to me and welcome to stay in my home. I generally partner with people who have similar friendships and views.

I am unsure why you'd think you have the last say on this in a joint home.

Cucy · 24/05/2025 08:12

I think you were BU to say you don’t want him staying the first time.

I’m not a fan of people staying in my home but I would put up with it on a rare occasion.

However, I would absolutely be putting my foot down now because he’s a piss taker thinking he can just turn up knowing your DP is too kind to turn him away.

Next time, DP needs to tell him that someone else is staying over and so there no room in the front room either.
If that means having no where to stay, then so be it.

Gonk123 · 24/05/2025 08:13

Sweaty men sleeping on sofa…no thanks…

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2025 08:16

Bloke’s taking the piss. Why doesn’t he stay with his parents? You need to tell your dp to give him the heads up that he can’t stay next time he calls before he turns up. Alternatively, speak to him where turns up and say ‘Presumably you’re staying with your parents?’

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 08:16

Gonk123 · 24/05/2025 08:13

Sweaty men sleeping on sofa…no thanks…

Isn't it one man? Doesn't OP sleep with a "sweaty man" every night?

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 08:17

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2025 08:16

Bloke’s taking the piss. Why doesn’t he stay with his parents? You need to tell your dp to give him the heads up that he can’t stay next time he calls before he turns up. Alternatively, speak to him where turns up and say ‘Presumably you’re staying with your parents?’

Why cant he stay?

Violet1964 · 24/05/2025 08:23

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 07:59

I wouldn't allow my partner to say that my friends can never stay over. That would show me that we need to live separately at least, but probably break up. I have friends, theyre important to me and welcome to stay in my home. I generally partner with people who have similar friendships and views.

I am unsure why you'd think you have the last say on this in a joint home.

You missed the part where I have said, he does have friends stay. Which I am OK with, but I have known them for a long time and feel comfortable around them.

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 24/05/2025 08:24

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 08:16

Isn't it one man? Doesn't OP sleep with a "sweaty man" every night?

Picky!

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 08:26

Violet1964 · 24/05/2025 08:23

You missed the part where I have said, he does have friends stay. Which I am OK with, but I have known them for a long time and feel comfortable around them.

Okay but knowing someone is something you can do. You can GET to know them. I still don't think your comfort levels are what dictates whether his friends stays. It wouldn't be in my relationships and I am unsure why you're so sure that your word rules.

Moonlightexpress · 24/05/2025 08:30

ZekeZeke · 24/05/2025 07:38

Who owns the property?
Joint-you have an equal say.
His-he can dictate who stays

His-he can dictate who stays

What nonsense. Even if he owns the house he can't dictate when it comes to random men coming over. There's something called having some respect for another person , it is allowed you know, to respect someone else's wishes especially when it's your partner and you live together

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 08:31

Moonlightexpress · 24/05/2025 08:30

His-he can dictate who stays

What nonsense. Even if he owns the house he can't dictate when it comes to random men coming over. There's something called having some respect for another person , it is allowed you know, to respect someone else's wishes especially when it's your partner and you live together

It's not a random man. It's his friend.

Moonlightexpress · 24/05/2025 08:35

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 08:31

It's not a random man. It's his friend.

Op said she's doesn't know him . Of course it's his friend.. but he's random to op. Do you understand context? She doesn't want him there end of. Ops partner needs to have respect for his relationship not a friend who keeps taking the piss with his visits.

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2025 08:42

MyOliveHelper · 24/05/2025 08:17

Why cant he stay?

Because it’s her home too and she isn’t comfortable with him staying. Whilst I would normally agree that you can’t tell your dp no t9 friends staying, presumably he knows she isn’t comfortable and would rather this friend didn’t stay. Plus, she says there’s no room. I would hate people staying in my living room, what a total pain, wanting to stay for a week! This friend has parents nearby, why can’t he stay with them?

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