Don't want my partners friend staying!

[Violet1964]

Soooo I'm basically just wondering if I'm in the wrong here. A while ago me and my partner broke up for a bit and while I moved out of the house, my partner let his friend, his partner and his daughter stay at ours for a few days...he gave them our bedroom and ensuite and he slept on the sofa. Fast forward we got back together so I moved back into our home.
Last year his friend messages him saying they were coming down again and asked if they could all stay again, I said I'm not comfortable with 3 people I don't know staying in my home. My partner messages him back saying, sorry there won't be enough room now (I'm back) and he replies with we don't need a bedroom we can just sleep in your front room! I thought this was so cheeky. We have a very tiny little cottage, I'm a very private person who likes my own space.
Anyway the time comes to him coming down, my partner insists he's found somewhere else to stay. He then turns up to see my partner for the evening and says he has no where to stay, my partner felt guilty and said he could. (He has parents live close to us) this caused a massive argument between us. I have had things happen in my life that have led me to not trust men. A Family member who I fully trusted abused me. I also suffer with ocd and anxiety.
Anyway he's just come down again for a week. I've told my partner I don't want him staying here, I don't even know him. Partner seems to think he has somewhere to stay. He turns up again last night and my partner asks where are you staying? He says he doesn't know and that he will just sleep in his car or something.....am I weird for thinking this is odd? He has come down for a week with no where to stay, I'm assuming with the presumption, that people will feel guilty and just let him stay. He's a 42 Yr old man that works, why can't he just get an air b&b? Or stay at his parents? It pisses me off that he comes down and just expects free accomidation.

I bet your DP has established a pattern of always sharing and helping out this friend, who can’t see that things change when theres a live in partner. It’s not sinister I don’t think but annoying. At least your partner is trying to set boundaries now and you can decide together what to do next time. I’d suggest that he has a proper talk with his friend and explains that he can no longer put him up because the cottage is small and it’s unfair o you . So he must make other arrangements from now on.

Well, he has previously had the last say in his friend staying as he did let him stay last time, despite OP feeling very uncomfortable due to her past history of abuse by a trusted family member.

This friend also has his own parents living nearby and an income which means he could afford to pay for an air bnb or other accommodation.

Thank you! My point exactly. I wouldn't ever want to put my partner in a position where he felt uncomfortable.

If I said to my partner that I wasn't comfortable about someone staying, then he'd ensure they didn't stay. And vice versa. Because we're considerate towards each other, and want each other to be happy.

jointly owned/rented means joint decision. 2 yes's = yes, 1x yes and 1 x no = no. 2 no's = no. end of.

Yeah my first thought was that your DH was lying on both occasions and he had no intention of arranging somewhere else to stay. I don’t particularly like people staying in my home and especially not people I barely know.
Is the home jointly owned/rented? I only ask because you said you moved out briefly which made me wonder if it might be his house? If so it makes it a bit harder for you to insist he doesn’t stay, however a loving partner should still take your views and experiences into account.
Tell your partner to not invite him again and that you’ll be highly suspicious if he shows up again and ‘magically’ has no other accommodation options.

Tell him there's this fabulous new invention its called Airbnb.

Not quite sure it works like that. Regardless of who owns the house, it is OP’s home. She shouldn’t be forced to feel uncomfortable in her home.

She’s explained her reasons.

The sweaty man she sleeps with every night is the sweaty man of her choice. The sweaty man trying to force himself onto her sofa is not.

Your DP's friend is rude as hell. He didn't make plans to stay at a hotel or airbnb because he fully intended to exploit your DP. He wasn't going to take no for an answer, especially after he first offered up YOUR living room and then gave the manipulative guilt trip about staying in his car when his own parents are nearby as an option. As for staying in his car--his choice! He's a grown ass man who needs to take responsibility for himself.

It's your home as much as DPs and you therefore have the right to say that you aren't comfortable with a man you've never met (or an unknown family of three as it was originally presented) staying in your front room.

I would not be comfortable in this situation, either. I like my privacy and at best, it's awkward in the mornings. The tightness of the living quarters as described only adds to it.

Don't feel guilty. This is a grown man with his own family who is only thinking of himself. I can't imagine pushing myself onto someone when they've let me know I'm overstepping. This man has no shame!

This is bang out of order your partner should be saying well i’ll help you find a local travel lodge/bNb or air bNb unless you want to try your parents first.

A week is too long probably, especially if you don't have a spare room. But not letting a friend stay seems off to me. That's just what friends do isn't it when they live far apart?

This. Far more comfortable for all parties. I really would not want to sleep in someone’s living room for the week.

He’s taking the piss big time

Do you need to make it clearer to DP that this man isn’t welcome in the future? Otherwise I suspect the ‘last minute fait accompli’ performance will be repeated.

I'm not sure that's fair. My landlord owns my flat, but it's my home so I get to decide who stays here.

On the other hand, I wouldn't let a partner ban my friends from staying over. It's a normal and expected part of friendship.

He’s not arranging accommodation excuse he know you’ll back down / your partner will. You need to stand your ground and ignore the awkwardness if there is any.

you’re adults, and you can say who does and doesn’t stay at your house

This is not the same situation but I had a friends wedding abroad in was going to alone, another friend going asked if I wanted to share a hotel room to save costs. I politely said no, I work full time, have a toddler and this would be my first night alone in 2 years!
she didn’t respond and then turns out she hadn’t booked a hotel room (had driven abroad doing some pre- wedding travelling) and “was going to sleep in her car or something”. I just knew at this point she wouldn’t book accommodation and would expect to stay with me at the end of the night. She then asked if she could get ready in my room (which genuinely was the size of a postage stamp) I had to say no and explicitly had to say that she was not going to be able to stay in my room last minute…at which point she booked a hotel room.

you have to be so upfront with people who try it on like this!!

Get your DP to send him a link to the nearest Travelodge next time he mentions he'll be in the area. Get ahead of the game and he'll realise it isn't working .

Who said any of the men are sweaty? Is this another silly negative stereotype against a large subset of the population?

I agree. I detest capitalist principles being applied to human relationships which are not business/legal agreements.

He expects free accommodation because he gets free accommodation. It's too bad that your comfort isn't much to the forefront of your partner's mind.

@MyOliveHelper said he was sweaty