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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and my toddlers bedtime routine

39 replies

clemfandango25 · 23/05/2025 23:13

am I being unreasonable by feeling upset here….
my mother has my daughter tonight as I am in a wedding. My daughter is 2. She only has her overnight on the odd occasion. However tonight she has her at our house.
my daughter has always been an abysmal sleeper, like… REALLY bad. We have hammered in a bedtime routine since 6 months old, but I have really struggled for these first few years of her life due to her not sleeping (this was common knowledge to all close to me) to the point that I had to enlist professionals to help me (health visitor, mental health support etc…)
anyway, my mother has her tonight and I’ve messaged to ask if everything’s okay. She has replied saying that she’s asleep in bed with her. For context my daughter sleeps in her cot (after a LONG time of her being in with us since birth we found the cot helps and we’ve managed to get her happy to go down in her own room) I ask why she is in the bed with my mother and in so many words she said basically she couldn’t be bothered to get up in the night with her if she cries so she’s put her down in the guest room with her.
am I unreasonable to feel extremely hurt that my mother has completely defied our routine ?
a routine she is well aware of….

OP posts:
Readytohealnow · 23/05/2025 23:15

The fact that she is helping you out (for free) means you can’t say anything. Roll your eyes and prepare to buckle in and be firm when you get her back to your house.

Franchisingentrepreneur · 23/05/2025 23:16

Let it go. You mum is doing you a big favour having your daughter overnight. One night at your mums won’t ruin your routine.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 23/05/2025 23:24

It's your routine, not your mum's. If she's doing you a favour then it's her way. If you want it done your way you have to do it yourself or train and pay someone to do it exactly how you want.

It's one night, and having a child unable to adapt to 1 night just isn't sustainable. Everyone has had to take them out, had them up later than ideal for a family party or wedding or sleep somewhere different to ideal.

You can tell her that because she disregarded your wishes she won't be having her again, but then you've lost your free childcare so you need to decide what's more important to you.

And I say this as a parent of an awful sleeper. Mine reached a year old without ever having a stretch of sleep longer than 2 hours and was still waking average of 3 times a night and cosleeping half the night at 18 months.

wingingit1987 · 23/05/2025 23:25

She isn’t doing anything dangerous or harmful- I think this is one of those things you need to let slide. Your mum is doing you a favour and there is nothing to say your daughter would have stuck to her normal routine easily without you or your partner being there.

Arrestedforit · 23/05/2025 23:29

YABU and enjoy your child free night. Get to sleep!

Dinosweetpea · 24/05/2025 00:41

YABU, it's one night and she's doing you a favour.

Renabrook · 24/05/2025 00:44

So don't use her for free babysitting again but 'hurt'? Really?

nutbrownhare15 · 24/05/2025 00:47

Be grateful she's having your kid. It's one night, with her. She's doing you a big favour and has come up with the best way for her. It won't affect your routine. And even if it does, go back to the start of my message.

Bollihobs · 24/05/2025 00:58

It's one night. One.

She's helping you out.

YABU.

Tbrh · 24/05/2025 01:08

Hope they have a great time, yay more nights off for you!

RawBloomers · 24/05/2025 01:51

We had this issue with MiL when ours were very young.

Your DM is doing you a huge favour by babysitting at all and she wont really appreciate the horror she is causing for you by not going that extra mile and sticking to your routine. I know the idea of disturbed sleep while you struggle to get your DC back into routine will feel overwhelming, but try not to let it spoil your night. It’s done now you may as well enjoy what you have. And don’t let it wreck your relationship with your DM, she is trying to be nice to you. You will get through these years and things will get better.

It doesn’t work with invites to evening events, but we got around the wrecked bedtime routine issue by getting MiL to babysit during the day time more (and, tbh, DH and I were more awake for daytime dates and events than for evening ones in the early years) until the DC were old enough that it didn’t matter so much.

AlorsTimeForWine · 24/05/2025 01:54

I have a 3 and 1 yr old.

Yes yabu.
Its 1 night shes helping you out hugely and it's probably hard for her. She's doing ehat she can

Eenameenadeeka · 24/05/2025 03:03

Yes, you are being unreasonable. She's doing you a massive favor. It won't do any harm if she does it differently to you for one night.

numbbumm · 24/05/2025 03:09

If you don’t like it don’t leave her overnight.

Endofyear · 24/05/2025 03:20

Yes you are being unreasonable. It's one night and it's a disruption to your child's routine anyway staying at her Granny's. She will be fine, just stick to your normal routine tomorrow.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 24/05/2025 05:21

i’ve had 3 children all slept with me. my now 18 year old didn’t get out until she was 6. i’ve still got my 3 year old in the middle of me and his dad. I’ve not had a broken night sleep since he was 4 weeks old - well not because of him anyway.

i think all the emphasis and pressure put on moms about routine and sleep just adds to the tension and makes sleep an issue.

your mom is doing you a favour, don’t be ungrateful

faerietales · 24/05/2025 06:24

I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone helping you out for free to get an awful nights’ sleep unnecessarily.

Thickasabrick89 · 24/05/2025 07:00

I have a perfect sleeper and my parents won't have her overnight.

If i had a grown up daughter and was in my 60s or 70s and asked to look after a terrible sleeping toddler overnight, I'd make it as easy as possible for me as i know I'd be shattered for a day or two after if she is genuinely as bad as you say

Sofiewoo · 24/05/2025 07:02

Your 2 year old who rarely has overnights with others isn’t going to settle well being looked after in another house, I think it’s reasonable for your mum to do whatever it takes to both get some sleep.

Hercisback1 · 24/05/2025 07:03

Let. It go.

She's helping you out massively.

Kids know grannies have different rules.

SillyOP · 24/05/2025 07:20

100% YABU replies so far…

JellyAnd · 24/05/2025 07:42

You’re really lucky that your mum is willing to do overnight childcare when your DC doesn’t sleep well! My mum is great with my kids but wouldn’t have them overnight until they were reliably sleeping through. Be grateful and let Granny do it her way unless you never want to have overnight childcare again would be my advice!

Secularbeaver · 25/05/2025 07:35

My mother let me non sleeping child stay up until 11pm (he still woke her up at 6) on Friday night...
And he had the BEST time with his nana. Let it go as long as you kid is safe and loved.

rrrrrreatt · 25/05/2025 07:41

If it has to be done your way, you’re the only person who can do it. It’s one night - let it go and be glad your mum loves your daughter and is happy to look after her.

IamnotSethRogan · 25/05/2025 07:47

Tbf your routine can't be working that well if your toddler is still sleeping badly.

I'd be happy with my mother getting through the night with a child who doesn't sleep any way she can.

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