My mother and my toddlers bedtime routine

[clemfandango25]

am I being unreasonable by feeling upset here….
my mother has my daughter tonight as I am in a wedding. My daughter is 2. She only has her overnight on the odd occasion. However tonight she has her at our house.
my daughter has always been an abysmal sleeper, like… REALLY bad. We have hammered in a bedtime routine since 6 months old, but I have really struggled for these first few years of her life due to her not sleeping (this was common knowledge to all close to me) to the point that I had to enlist professionals to help me (health visitor, mental health support etc…)
anyway, my mother has her tonight and I’ve messaged to ask if everything’s okay. She has replied saying that she’s asleep in bed with her. For context my daughter sleeps in her cot (after a LONG time of her being in with us since birth we found the cot helps and we’ve managed to get her happy to go down in her own room) I ask why she is in the bed with my mother and in so many words she said basically she couldn’t be bothered to get up in the night with her if she cries so she’s put her down in the guest room with her.
am I unreasonable to feel extremely hurt that my mother has completely defied our routine ?
a routine she is well aware of….

Yeah I wouldn’t rock the boat with this one. I have a no questions asked rule with sleepovers at grandparents, bedtime and the amount of biscuits consumed is none of my business.

When someone is caring for your child overnight for you, they can do whatever they need to do to make that work for them, so long as the child is safe.

My kids have known “grandma rules” are different to “home rules” since they started staying overnight with her.

I raised three kids, one of whom was just the worst sleeper. It was like going into battle every single night and it affected my relationship with her. I look back and think why the hell did I do that to us both. So many cultures co-sleep as the norm.
I'm now in a situation where we have taken on the care of our 4 year old granddaughter. She can't sleep alone due to previous trauma so we bought a double her and I sleep with her whilst DH sleeps in our room. I miss him but we all need to sleep, it's fundamental to health and well being and it won't be forever. You sound as though this is also a battle for you and your child. I guess only you know if it's worth the fight but it does sound incredibly damaging. As for your mum, I'm with her all the way.

You’re not unreasonable to be a bit irritated by this, but you’re very unreasonable to be “extremely hurt” that feels a massive massive overreaction. Also to even post this whilst at a wedding feels an overreaction.

your mum is helping you and doing you a favour - one night won’t make a difference.

I’m fortunate that my little one is a good sleeper, but on the very odd occasion she’s slept at my MIL all rules go out the window and my MIL seems to ignore all routine and rules (which ironically would mean she gets more sleep herself!) but I let it go…it’s one night.

@clemfandango25 my son is now 5.5 and nobody has ever had him overnight because he still doesn't sleep through and takes hours to settle (he's autistic)

My parents are amazing and regularly have him in the day or a couple of hours in the evening but I've never asked them to take him overnight and they haven't offered because they knew it would be too much and that's fine. But if they had offered, I'd have just been grateful and wouldn't have cared how they got him to sleep as long as everyone was safe and feeling ok.

It's one night, just enjoy yourself!

Try not to let the sleep stress cloud the picture - she’s doing a massive favour and NO ONE will do the routine just like you will, you’re the only one that knows it inside out.

Let it go...let them have a lovely night together and crack on with your routine tonight.

She's done you a favour and its unreasonable to expect someone who isn't your daughters parent to have a disturbed night of potentially getting up and down to her, when she has come up with a workable solution

My middle one was an absolute nightmare at sleeping - I didn't give a shit what my mum did with her when she had her, I just was glad she was helping me out.

One night won't "ruin" your routine at home - kids quickly learn the ways things are different in different places and what the expectations are

Yes YABU

YOUR 'hammered in' bedtime routine since she was 6 months old, doesn't seem to have done any good does it??

even if it had, I'd understand you being a wee but annoyed but hurt?? Have a look for a grip at the hotel.

maybe just be grateful for the help & book a weekend away to catch up on some, obviously needed, sleep.

youll look back on this & laugh at yourself, wondering what you thought you were doing with a 'hammered in' sleep routine from 6 months that wasn't working.

Different caregivers have different rules, your DC is old enough to appreciate the difference. Unless it's a safety issue, gently, YABU. You're upset because it's tapping into long-standing and historic stress.

I have a family member who does things very differently when babysitting. I was initially concerned about even vague routines etc, but it just is a bit of a treat for them in a different environment. Everyone's a winner.

Not quartering grapes and blueberries is a safety issue and I would consider that a hanging offence. Pick your battles.

Oh my god, the entitlement! Buy your mother a massive bunch of flowers on the way home and stop bloody whinging about your free childcare.

I agree.

Maybe you should try co sleeping yourselves and your dd might sleep better. It worked for ours.

I think it's a total myth that co sleeping creates a rod for one's back. In our case, my dd was absolutely terrible at sleeping, but co sleeping helped her not be scared of bedtime and then we gradually put her into an open cot from 18 months, letting her crawl into our bed if she woke up in the night. She's actually a pretty good sleeper now, only sometimes wakes up once in the night, but not every night.

No "hammering" required.

I think one day we'll look at sleep training the way we now look at spanking. It's the same, parents ignoring their child's obvious acute distress and telling themselves it's "for their own good" - just like spanking.

But your routine is already broken because it's not you putting her to bed, it's a totally different person. You can't pick and choose which bits to be unhappy about.

YABVU. your daughter is sound asleep and you're enjoying a night out with free childcare.