Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel desperately lonely in my marriage

30 replies

wrinkledstocking · 23/05/2025 21:54

My DH and I have been married for 30+ we always have been like chalk and cheese…what’s this about opposites attract is a load of Bologny in my book…he is retired now has a health condition ..
I work part time thank god because being at home with him 24/7 I would go loony tunes with boredom…must admit I’ve been the ‘Duracell bunny’ in our relationship ,full,of ideas,where to go what to do,.love banter,chat,etc…now finding myself absolutely bored to tears and in depressed state with my marriage..feel no connection WHAT SO EVER ,even down to barely any physical contact which went out of the window about 15 yrs ago..feel need of some laughs and fun…
I’m several years younger than DH …but last time we had a laugh I really cannot recall…feel like I’m living with the lodger..or a aged parent that I have to put up with. I’m aging beyond my years….thing is because of my depressed state I’m not myself and don't have the oomph / confidence to join clubs.etc..
Beyond fed up…

OP posts:
SquashedMallow · 25/05/2025 11:51

Ps there's also a large age gap in our relationship (DH older ) and it probably adds to the disconnection to some degree.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/05/2025 11:53

I don’t understand why you stay in this relationship. Seems you would be far far happier if you leave, and join the millions of women who are enjoying much happier lives single.

Original poster
wrinkledstocking · 26/05/2025 22:27

SquashedMallow · 25/05/2025 11:48

I'm sorry. I wrote a really blunt reply the other night. I was tired and had had a drink 🥴.

My husband isn't diagnosed, but he very obviously has high functioning autism.

He's generally a good man. He's an excellent provider. He's a wonderful dad.

But there is absolutely no emotional connection. He just hasn't got that capability - with anyone. He was also bought up in a family they only communicate in small talk. Nothing deep. And I don't think this has helped matters.

It's so isolating and lonely some days. Sometimes I can cope with it absolutely fine. Other days, it gets me down.

My DH hates socialising and wouldn't care much if he never saw my family or his own to be honest. He's a very independent and "solo" person. He doesn't need connections. I desperately do. But because of his ways, he is socially awkward, he ends up making an uncomfortable atmosphere when I do get people round. He's not doing it purposefully. It's just how he is. It means over the years, I've just stopped bothering to have people over or organise social gatherings. Some days I feel very lonely. Loneliness really hits me hard occasionally. I do have friends, but seeing their lives and marriages just makes me feel even more "other".

Also, because I've got unmet needs (quite vital ones ) I fear bringing friends too close to me. I think I would end up trying to 'need' too much from the friendship and end up being too suffocating and needy. So I've always got a bit of a barrier up and keep them at a safe distance. Similar with family.

To be honest, I'm happiest when the kids bring their friends round and the house is full of children. I really enjoy that.

All in all though, I haven't got it bad. From the outside I've got a great life and I'm truly thankful for it. It's just that loneliness without an emotional connection. I feel like I've moaned a lot and probably sound like a feeling sorry for myself. But, just solidarity to you op. I think most others would advise you to build friendships and hobbies, and that Is the correct way to navigate your needs being met.

Thank you for replying….
my husband is a solo person too..doesn’t have friends and he won’t go anywhere with me ,Theatre or to see a band..and unless I can grab a friend I don’t go..but as you say they are busy with their families..so I don’t go to events..and often he’s not fun to be with he just spoils the night..because something isn’t right..
van I just say in his defence he’s happy for me to go off and do my own thing with friends ,says ‘enjoy yourself ‘ have a good time..so ..
Not having children doesn’t help either ..it’s just me and him..!

As for yourself ,by you putting up barriers you may be missing out on a great friendship..and missing out on such a lot of fun. Maybe just try to lower them a smidge and you might find someone you just click with. And no you’re not feeling sorry for your self just venting ..and we all need that.
I need to get myself out there and join clubs etc,,difficult when I haven't a lot of confidence ..but I’ll try my best.
I hope YOU too find a special person to enjoy life with ..

OP posts:
Original poster
wrinkledstocking · 28/05/2025 18:11

SquashedMallow · 25/05/2025 11:51

Ps there's also a large age gap in our relationship (DH older ) and it probably adds to the disconnection to some degree.

Think that may be it…

OP posts:
Original poster
wrinkledstocking · 28/05/2025 18:17

wrinkledstocking · 23/05/2025 21:54

My DH and I have been married for 30+ we always have been like chalk and cheese…what’s this about opposites attract is a load of Bologny in my book…he is retired now has a health condition ..
I work part time thank god because being at home with him 24/7 I would go loony tunes with boredom…must admit I’ve been the ‘Duracell bunny’ in our relationship ,full,of ideas,where to go what to do,.love banter,chat,etc…now finding myself absolutely bored to tears and in depressed state with my marriage..feel no connection WHAT SO EVER ,even down to barely any physical contact which went out of the window about 15 yrs ago..feel need of some laughs and fun…
I’m several years younger than DH …but last time we had a laugh I really cannot recall…feel like I’m living with the lodger..or a aged parent that I have to put up with. I’m aging beyond my years….thing is because of my depressed state I’m not myself and don't have the oomph / confidence to join clubs.etc..
Beyond fed up…

Thank you for everyone’s input ..I’m now going away and think about my options.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread